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Susan Mayer Quotes
 | Season 6 / Episode 15: - Lovely Susan Mayer: Oh don't cry, why you crying? Strippers are supposed to be tough. Robin Gallagher: Stop calling me that. Yes, I was a stripper. But you know what? You were the only person who never treated me like one, until now. Susan Mayer: Oh. Robin Gallagher: And I'm really sorry if I crossed the line with Mike. You know I guess after working nine years in the club I just don't know where the line is anymore. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 20: - Rose's Turn Mike Delfino: Why are you mopping the roof? Susan Mayer: I was cooking, alright? Mike Delfino: Lids Susan. You really gotta start using lids. Susan Mayer: Sometimes it's the stoves fault. |
| Season 5 / Episode 20: - Rose's Turn Susan Mayer: [Susan thinks that Dave is suicidal] I will be back after work, to check on you. But until then here's the phone, in case you wanna order chinese, or call a hotline or something. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 19: - Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know Susan Mayer: [to Edie] Don't worry Edie, you're gonna be just fine. |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know Gabrielle Solis: Ok my hour's up someone else hold Edie now. Lynette Scavo: I'll take her! [Gabby hands Lynette the urn and after a few second of holding it Lynette opens the it] kinda looks like cat litter. Susan Mayer: Lynette! Don't look at Edie... Lynette Scavo: Or what I'll turn to stone? She's all rough and gritty... Bree Van De Kamp: Uh Gabby... before we learn what Edie tastes like. Gabrielle Solis: I got it... Bree Van De Kamp: I think a little more reverence for the dead is in order. Lynette Scavo: Oh please we're talking about Edie. A little more irreverence is what we need. |
| Season 5 / Episode 19: - Look Into Their Eyes and You See What They Know Susan Mayer: What do you mean 'you two' were the hottest chicks on the lane? Lynette Scavo: She called me a 'baby factory'? Karen McCluskey: Yeah Gabby in hindsight maybe you shouldn't have told that part of the story Gabrielle Solis: Oh pfft! |
 | Season 5 / Episode 18: - A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. Susan Mayer: Karl. What are you doing here? Karl Mayer: Well I just enrolled Evan. Susan Mayer: Wow. and I was worried that we'd be out of each others lives forever... lucky lucky. Karl Mayer: What are you doing here? Susan Mayer: I am an art teacher. Karl Mayer: Really? Do they know that? Susan Mayer: And now I'm ignoring you and moving on to Evan. Hello Evan. Karl Mayer: Evan, this is Susan. She's your sister Julie's mother, we used to be married. She was a lot younger then. Susan Mayer: Evan, why don't you head into the classroom? I need to talk to your daddy and I may need to use some grown up words. Karl Mayer: Ok Susie Q, what's wrong? Get it off that chest you wouldn't let me enhance. Susan Mayer: Listen it's bad enough that I have one husband running around the halls. I don't need the faculty and the parents knowing that I have two. So not a word about us having been married. No more wise cracks. No Susie Q's. I am Miss Susan. Art teacher. [starts to walk off into the classroom] Karl Mayer: Yes Miss Susan. Can I bang your erasers after class? Susan Mayer: [steps out of the classroom and glares at Karl] Karl I'm serious don't mess with me. I have a yard stick and I'm not afraid to use it. |
| Season 5 / Episode 18: - A Spark. To Pierce the Dark. Karl Mayer: You called me down here for this? It's a kid playing with a soccer ball. Susan Mayer: It's a head and he's stabbing someone with a sword. Karl Mayer: Well maybe it was in self defence! Principal Hobson: Mr Mayer, generally when kids exhibit this type of behaviour, there's a problem [phone rings] excuse me. [looks at phone] I have to take this, sorry. [walks out of the room talking on the phone] Karl Mayer: Thanks for ratting out my kid on his first day! Susan Mayer: It's not my fault. I showed this to the school pyschologist, she gave it to the Principal. My hands are tied! Karl Mayer: So right away it's Evan's fault? Did you ever consider that he didn't understand the assignment? Susan Mayer: I told the class to draw what made them happy! All the other kids drew kittens and rainbows! Your son drew small intestines on the end of a stick! Karl Mayer: Let's cut to what this is really about. You hate me! And you don't want my son in your class! Susan Mayer: That is not true! Karl Mayer: It is to! You're still punishing me for what happened between us! you're still stuck in the past blaming me for your screwed up life! Susan Mayer: Ok well someone call Guineus because you just set the world record for the biggest load of crap in one sentence! Karl Mayer: Oh bite me! Principal Hobson: [walks back in the room] How long was I gone? [stares from Karl to Susan] Susan Mayer: Uh this is nothing Mr Hobson. We're just having a difference of opinion. Karl Mayer: Yeah. And my opinion is your teacher doesn't understand the difference between emotional problems and creativity! Susan Mayer: Shut up Karl! Principal Hobson: [to Susan] Excuse me. Did you just tell him to 'shut up'? Karl Mayer: You know this is typical [gestures with hand] "Susan" behaviour and you wonder why no man can stay with you! Susan Mayer: [throws paint in Karl's face as Principal Hobson looks on shocked] [to Principal Hobson] Would this seem any less shocking if I told you we were once married for twelve years? |
 | Season 5 / Episode 17: - The Story of Lucy and Jessie Gabrielle Solis: Susan, if you're not sure what Jessie ment by it, why don't you just talk to her? Susan Mayer: Oh, that would be way to awkward. She's my boss. Lynette Scavo: She's your boss? Let her kiss you again and then sue her! Gabrielle Solis: Okay, we're going to figure this out for you. Were her eyes open or shut? Susan Mayer: I don't know. Gabrielle Solis: Well, how many seconds did the kiss last? Susan Mayer: I don't remember. Gabrielle Solis: [frustrated] Oh, for God's sake, was it this? Gabrielle Solis: Or was it this? Susan Mayer: Uh... the second one. Lynette Scavo: Congratulations. You're now dating a lesbian. Lee McDermott: [snickers] See you at the parade. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 14: - Mama Spent Money When She Had None Katherine Mayfair: Susan Mayer for God's sake, give me back my pearls. Susan Mayer: [Susan grabs hold of the towel] Pearls or towel, you decide. Katherine Mayfair: You wouldn't dare! Susan Mayer: I have been naked once on this street. It would be nice to take the heat off that story. Katherine Mayfair: Have you lost your mind? Susan Mayer: Mike said he can't afford to pay for MJ's private school, now I know why! He wants to see his girlfriend wearing pearls when she flashes him! Katherine Mayfair: He wouldn't pay for MJ's school? Susan Mayer: No. So, I was gonna take these and sell them to try to pay for it and now that I'm saying it out loud, I hear how stupid that sounds. Katherine Mayfair: I can't believe Mike would do that. Susan Mayer: Well... he did. Parker Scavo: [Smiling, waves to them] Hey Mrs. Mayfair, it's nice to see you. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 9: - Me and My Town Susan Mayer: [spits out cookie] I hate macadamia nuts. You think they're white chocolate chips until it's too late. Stupid Hawaii. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 3: - The Game Susan Mayer: When our babies go to college, we'll be like... Bree Van De Kamp: Dead? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 22: - What Would We Do Without You? Susan Mayer: Getting married is scary, but at least we'll be doing it together. Gabrielle Solis: Oh my God! We should totally do that! Susan Mayer: What? Gabrielle Solis: Get married! Together! Susan Mayer: You and me? Well... I'm beyond flattered. I find you to be an incredibly attractive woman. I just... Gabrielle Solis: No, stupid! I mean a double wedding! Susan Mayer: Oh... Oh! I would love that! Gabrielle Solis: I know! Then you wouldn't be mad, and I wouldn't feel guilty. Susan Mayer: And we could be brides together! Gabrielle Solis: Together! Let's celebrate! More chocolate! And, just you know, if I was a lesbian, I'd totally do you. Susan Mayer: That's good to know. |
| Season 3 / Episode 22: - What Would We Do Without You? Susan Mayer: Marriage is like these bonbons. You never know what you're getting until you're right in the middle of it. Susan Mayer: [gasps] It's one of those hard jelly ones. Do you think that's an omen? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 20: - Gossip Susan Mayer: Oh, that's right she babysat your kids. Lynette Scavo: Oh, please I don't wanna think of how many times she brought them ice cream from that basement. I mean geez, if you wanna keep your husband on ice, at least have a dedicated freezer. Susan Mayer: Do you think she actually killed him? Gabrielle Solis: Uh, yeah. Why else would she have hid the body? Lynette Scavo: Well so far all they've charged her with is improper disposal of a corpse. Gabrielle Solis: Once they defrost the body and do an autopsy, i guarentee you their gonna find a belly full of arsenic! Parker Scavo: What's arsenic? Lynette Scavo: It's just, it's something yucky. Go and play! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 19: - God, That's Good Susan Mayer: Did I mention that Maggie is an amazing chef? We're embarrassed to be cooking for her. Maggie Gilroy: Stop. So, um, Mike, do you have a favorite type of cuisine? Mike Delfino: Nah. After three months of prison food, everything tastes good to me. Maggie Gilroy: So you were in prison? Susan Mayer: He was totally innocent. Mike Delfino: Yeah, a woman was bludgeoned to death, and her blood wound up on my wrench. Maggie Gilroy: Oh, my god. Susan Mayer: But he was cleared. All charges dropped. Here. Eat this. [She shoves an hors d'oeuvre into his mouth] Maggie Gilroy: It's just so awful. I mean, to go to jail for a crime you didn't commit. Mike Delfino: Oh, it was just a few months. Now my first stretch for manslaughter... that was brutal. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 18: - Liaisons Edie Britt: No man respects an easy conquest. I make all my men wait. Susan Mayer: It's true, she has a little room with magazines and an aquarium. Edie Britt: I have so missed our friendship. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 7: - Bang Susan Mayer: [using speakerphone] "Release Julie and I will take her place. I repeat, release Julie. I will be a model hostage... " Julie Mayer: [sighs] |
| Season 3 / Episode 7: - Bang Julie Mayer: You know I wouldn't steal! Susan Mayer: I'd like to believe you, but drinking beer? Bringing home boys? Austin Britt: And next thing you know she'll be listening to that rock music everyone's talking about. |
| Season 3 / Episode 7: - Bang Susan Mayer: Hey, is that the new neighbor? Gabrielle Solis: He's cute! Lynette Scavo: Edie said he's a bachelor. Gabrielle Solis: Keep talking. Lynette Scavo: Who lives with his invalid sister. Gabrielle Solis: You can stop now. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 11: - Move On Susan Mayer: [singing "New York, New York" to live piano accompaniment after just learning from neighbor Edie that she had had an indiscretion with Carl, her ex] Start spreading the news, I'm leavin' today. I wanna be a part of it, New York, New York. These vagabond shoes... [whispers in the mike to Carl] You're an ass, you know that? [piano stops] No, keep playing. [resumes singing] Are longing to stray. [speaks] There's a word you know, right? [sings] And get around the heart of it, New York, New York. I wanna... [speaks] just tell you that the affair was one thing. I mean, I forgave you because on some small level, I thought you were in love with her, and now I find out that you were just groping people at parties. [sings] Top of the heap. [speaks] Karl, don't you turn away from me. Look at me! You know, what else were you doing during our marriage? How many other women were you sticking it to? As God is my witness, it will snow on the hills of hell before I ever feel sorry for you again! [awkward silence in the bar; finishes song] New York! [piano fluorish] |
 | Season 1 / Episode 9: - Suspicious Minds Susan Mayer: Gabrielle, he's in high school, and it's illegal and you're married. If Carlos found out, this would kill him. Gabrielle Solis: It's just sex. [whispers] It's totally harmless. Susan Mayer: How could you call something like this harmless? After everything you know about what I went through with Carl? Gabrielle Solis: This isn't about you. Susan Mayer: Yes, it is. It's about me, and about every other person who was screwed over by somebody they loved. Gabrielle Solis: Ugh. Susan Mayer: When Carl ran off with Brandi, you saw what a basket case I was. I was crying, I - I was tearing up his clothes, I couldn't get out of bed all day. You were right there. How could you do the same thing? Gabrielle Solis: Uh, how can you compare me to Carl? That's not fair. You have *no* idea what my life is like. Susan Mayer: Well, why don't you enlighten me? You are beautiful, you have more money than you can spend, and you have a husband who adores you. Gabrielle Solis: No, he doesn't adore me. He adores *having* me. Susan Mayer: That's a rationalization, and you know it. |
 | Season 1 / Episode 7: - Anything You Can Do Bree Van De Kamp: God, I couldn't wait to get rid of them! So, Lynette said that you found Zack. Susan Mayer: He's at a rehabilitation center. Julie snuck in and actually talked to him. Lynette Scavo: Did he say anything about his mother's suicide? Susan Mayer: There wasn't enough time. He did say one thing that was kind of mysterious. He said something happened to someone named Dana, and that he could never ever talk about it. Gabrielle Solis: Who the hell's Dana? Lynette Scavo: That's the mystery part. Susan Mayer: I figure Dana has something to do with what Mary Alice was trying to hide. Lynette Scavo: So somebody found out Mary Alice's secret... Bree Van De Kamp: ...and sent the note. Gabrielle Solis: So who the hell is that? |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Anything You Can Do Julie Mayer: Mom, you're getting too dressed up. Susan Mayer: I know, but I wanna look really sexy. Julie Mayer: I told Mike I expect him to have you home by eleven. Susan Mayer: Hmm. How about midnight? Julie Mayer: All right, but no later. You know how I worry. So, you, uh, got protection? Susan Mayer: Oh my god. We are so not having this conversation. Julie Mayer: We are because I enjoy being an only child. Susan Mayer: Are you finished? Julie Mayer: Almost. You know, I always assumed I would have sex for the first time before you would have it again. Susan Mayer: Okay, you can leave now. |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Anything You Can Do Susan Mayer: Hey, Edie! Edie Britt: Wow! Get a load of you! You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you. Susan Mayer: Oh this? Well, I have a date. Right now. With Mike. We kissed. FYI. |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Anything You Can Do Susan Mayer: Ooo, love that jacket. Good choice. Mike Delfino: Um, look, Susan, I'm really sorry, but I've got to cancel. I had an -unexpected house guest. |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Anything You Can Do Kendra Taylor: Coming through! Oh, sorry. Hi, I'm Kendra. Susan Mayer: Susan. Kendra Taylor: I'm gonna run to the car and get my stuff. |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Anything You Can Do Mike Delfino: I know how this looks, but there is nothing between us. Kendra is just an old friend. Susan Mayer: Old friend? Mike Delfino: Yeah, you know... Susan Mayer: Yeah. Yeah. No, actually no, I don't know. So, by old friend, do you mean college pal, bowling buddy, saved you from drowning? Mike Delfino: It's hard to explain. Susan Mayer: Could you give it a shot? |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Anything You Can Do Mike Delfino: I promise, I'll make this up to you. And you look... amazing. Kendra Taylor: Mike, where are the towels? Susan Mayer: Thanks. |
| Season 1 / Episode 7: - Anything You Can Do Edie Britt: Hey, how was your big date? Susan Mayer: Mike had to reschedule. Edie Britt: Oh. Because of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? Gosh, how devastating for you. FYI. |
| Next: Gabrielle Solis |
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