Al Swearengen

Deadwood

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Played by:

Ian McShane
Award-winning character actor Ian McShane was born on September 29, 1942, in Blackburn, Lancashire, ...

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Al Swearengen Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 11: - The Cat Bird Seat Al Swearengen: [to Trixie] Loopy fucking cunt.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - A Constant Throb Al Swearengen: What are you doing here? Richardson: Too afraid. Al Swearengen: If you were too afraid, you wouldn't be here. Richardson: Too afraid to explain. Johnny Burns: He's got a note pinned on him, Al. Al Swearengen: Take it off him. Then stick him in the eye with the fucking pin. Johnny Burns: He don't mean it. Al Swearengen: Tell him "Nothing". Richardson: I'll just keep quiet. Al Swearengen: No. Tell E.B., "Nothing's going on." And then tell him, "If I wanted to tell you anything, I'd have told you. Don't send the imbecile over with no more notes." Richardson: I can't remember all that! Al Swearengen: Can you remember "Nothing's going on"? Richardson: Yes. Al Swearengen: Tell him that, then. Richardson: Thank you.
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Amateur Night A. W. Merrick: Have I bled on your bed linens, Al? Al Swearengen: You wouldn't be the first.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Unauthorized Cinnamon Al Swearengen: We'd a meeting I ought to have asked you to. Jack Langrishe: What topic commended my presence? Reprobates? The elderly?
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Unauthorized Cinnamon Al Swearengen: Open the place back up! Tell the whores if their legs ain't in the air, they'd better be off their asses!
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - A Rich Find E.B. Farnum: Hearst... is he Caesar? To have fights to the death for diversion, murder his workers at whim, smash passages in the fucking wall? A man of less wealth would be in fucking restraints! Al Swearengen: We are in the presence of the new. E.B. Farnum: Fuck the fucking new! Jesus Christ, Al... is it over for us here? Al Swearengen: Go back to the hotel, E.B. E.B. Farnum: Save us. Think of something! Al Swearengen: Have I ever not?
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Full Faith And Credit Al Swearengen: [about Hearst] He must think I'm a fucking dog, forgives the blow first friendly scratch at the ear.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Full Faith And Credit Al Swearengen: Another fuckin' invite. Fuckin' Hearst must take me for an optimist. Dan Dority: I'm gonna kill that cocksucker. Al Swearengen: All in good time.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Full Faith And Credit Al Swearengen: Tell me who you want in the election. Dolly: Star for Mayor and Harry Manning for Sheriff. Al Swearengen: Star for Mayor and Bullock for fucking Sheriff. Dolly: Bullock yells at you. Al Swearengen: Get out. Shut up and get out.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Full Faith And Credit Al Swearengen: Fuckin' cold in here anyway. Dolly: You want a blanket? Al Swearengen: If I do, I'll put it round me. You ain't the boss of the fuckin' bedclothes.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Full Faith And Credit E.B. Farnum: What have the Gods decreed? Al Swearengen: Too fearful and upset to relive it, E.B.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Full Faith And Credit Dan Dority: You know you hurt my feelings. Al Swearengen: Dan. Dan Dority: That's the long and short of it, Al. You fucking pick Adams to represent you, you hurt my feelings and that is the fucking matter's end.
	Season 3 / Episode 4: - Full Faith And Credit Al Swearengen: It's not the fucking hour. It's not the fucking vantage of the chair. It's you, that's changed the level of you suction somehow. That's the fucking sum and substance of it. Dolly: Maybe if I get on my knees? Al Swearengen: You're the cocksucker. Change the fucking angle.
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - True Colors Al Swearengen: Ever wonder if you expressed yourself more directly Merrick, you might fucking weigh less?
	Season 3 / Episode 3: - True Colors Al Swearengen: Tuesdays, he'll often hold Amateur Nights. I been to several. Guy farted it seems near an hour. Johnny Burns: Don't sound like no amateur.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - I Am Not the Fine Man You Take Me For Al Swearengen: Would you close your flap, that I don't forego my boiled eggs?
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Tell Your God to Ready for Blood Al Swearengen: I will profane your fucking remains, E.B. E.B. Farnum: Not my remains, Al. Al Swearengen: Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Tell Your God to Ready for Blood Al Swearengen: Lie the fuck back, and listen. I need your truthful reply - lie, I will know it... and death will be no respite. E.B. Farnum: I told Hearst nothing of Bullock and the widow. Al Swearengen: I will profane your fucking remains, E.B.! E.B. Farnum: Not my remains, Al... Al Swearengen: Gabriel's trumpet will produce you from the ass of a pig.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Tell Your God to Ready for Blood Al Swearengen: Don't I yearn for the days when a draw across the throat made fucking resolution.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Tell Your God to Ready for Blood Al Swearengen: It's Albert Swearengen.
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Tell Your God to Ready for Blood Al Swearengen: Anyway, tonight's speeches are fucking canceled. Nurse your fucking wounds. E.B. Farnum: Thank you. Al Swearengen: I do not mean here.
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - The Whores Can Come Al Swearengen: My God, act civilized even if you ain't. Lee: I am a civilized person. Al Swearengen: Then take your civilization and get the fuck out of here!
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - E.B. Was Left Out Al Swearengen: Pain or damage don't end the world. Or despair, or fucking beatings. The world ends when you're dead. Until then, you got more punishment in store. Stand it like a man... and give some back.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - E.B. Was Left Out E.B. Farnum: And if she pries and pokes and prods me to elicit your intentions? Al Swearengen: Tell her I wouldn't say. E.B. Farnum: And if she asks me why you wouldn't? Al Swearengen: Say you're a pain in my balls that can't desist from inquiry till told to shut his fucking mouth and act on the task he was asked to fucking do! E.B. Farnum: Yes sir. Fine, thank you.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - E.B. Was Left Out Al Swearengen: What do you know of the fisticuffs? E.B. Farnum: Amongst who? Johnny Burns: Utter and that fella you was sitting with downstairs the other day. E.B. Farnum: Wolcott? Just now, when I was leaving the hotel, Wolcitt had accidentally stepped on Utter's foot. Johnny Burns: If Utter's got corns, that might could have touched it off.
	Season 2 / Episode 6: - Something Very Expensive Al Swearengen: I hope you're getting paid for the pussy. Don't put a price to it, you'll lose their respect. Trixie: He's teaching me accounts. Al Swearengen: That's all right then. Learnin' is like currency to them. Trixie: He stares in my eyes when he fucks me, longing-like. Al Swearengen: Jesus Christ!
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - A Lie Agreed Upon (2) Al Swearengen: [Dolly sticks her thumb in Al's ass] Oh! Now, I'm halfway thinking this exaggerates the condition rather than alleviates it. If I might should query the Doc, but then that cocksucker will only ask after gleets. [Al gasps] Oh my God. [Al tries to move away, but Dolly scoots after him and keeps her thumb in his ass] Take it out. Take it out. Remove your fucking thumb. [Dolly finally removes her thumb] Why, if I was moving forward to get away from you, would you have fucking pursued me? When I stopped, pressed on yourself to drive your thumb into my intestine?
	Season 2 / Episode 2: - A Lie Agreed Upon (2) Al Swearengen: The entire area of my fucking asshole is now one gigantic fucking throb. I have no idea what's transpiring in there. Dolly: Shall I suck your prick? Al Swearengen: Please.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Sold Under Sin Seth Bullock: I'll be the fucking sheriff. Al Swearengen: Starting when? Seth Bullock: Starting now. Al Swearengen: You have the tin? Seth Bullock: I do. Al Swearengen: Produce it. Al Swearengen: On the tit. Seth Bullock: I know where it goes.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Sold Under Sin Al Swearengen: Announcing your plans is a good way to hear God laugh.

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