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Rube Sofer Quotes
|Season 2 / Episode 5: - Hurry|
Rube Sofer: I have a question for you. Is everyone in this line an asshole?
Cutting Woman: Eh, excuse me?
Rube Sofer: Is everyone you just cut in front of an asshole?
Cutting Woman: Eh, no.
Rube Sofer: So it's just you then.
Cutting Woman: I have children in the car.
Rube Sofer: I have a cake in the oven. He's got three minutes left on the meter, she's got a lunch meeting. We all have a finite amount of time. Now get in the back of the line. And don't use your children like that - it's shameful.
|Season 2 / Episode 1: - Send in the Clown|
Daisy Adair: These are all at the Farmer's Market in exactly 27 minutes. I smell a disaster.
Mason: No, five deaths is not a disaster.
George: How many deaths is a disaster?
Mason: More than five. Five's bullshit.
George: How many?
Mason: 16-20 is a disaster. 21 and up: catastrophe. 8-15 is a calamity.
Rube Sofer: Seven and under?
Mason: That's a crying shame.
|Season 1 / Episode 9: - Sunday Mornings|
Roxy Harvey: I didn't know you smoked a pipe.
Rube Sofer: You need to fix this.
Roxy Harvey: He put his hands on me.
Rube Sofer: Last time I checked, being pissed off wasn't enough of a reason to remove a person's soul from their body. Don't do that again.
Roxy Harvey: I didn't know he'd turn into a nutball.
Rube Sofer: Well, how would you have responded, Roxy? God appeared to the man.
Roxy Harvey: I wouldn't be making up words and shit.
Rube Sofer: He's creating a mythology to take back to his people. Joseph Smith had the same thing happened to him and now the Mormons have a monopoly on the hotel industry.
Roxy Harvey: This is nothing.
Rube Sofer: A hundred years from now, people will have little plastic meter maids with bobbing heads hanging from their rearview mirrors.
Roxy Harvey: What do you want me to do.
Rube Sofer: It's about restoring the status quo. The guy wasn't supposed to get enlightened, he was supposed to get a parking ticket. You've got to turn him back into a prick. If you ever take someone's soul again without first having a post-it, I gonna break this pipe off in your ass.
|Season 1 / Episode 7: - Reaper Madness|
Rube Sofer: All men are liars when pretty girls are implicated. You can see their noses growing.
|Season 1 / Episode 6: - My Room|
Rube Sofer: You here to see... Dr. Plotkin?
Joy Lass: You mean Dr. Hanson?
Rube Sofer: Right Hanson. Plotkin's my podiatrist, I don't know why I was thinking about Plotkin, must have been staring at my foot...
Joy Lass: Are you here to see Dr. Hanson?
Rube Sofer: I've got the next appointment.
Joy Lass: She's a child psychologist.
Rube Sofer: Inner child.
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