Jake Morgendorffer

Daria

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Played by:

Julián Rebolledo

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Jake Morgendorffer Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Aunt Nauseam Jake Morgendorffer: What do you think, Daria? Stonewall Jackson fed his men these Johnny cakes the night before the battle of Chancellorsville. Daria Morgendorffer: Well, that explains why they shot him there.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - Sappy Anniversary Jake Morgendorffer: Damn computer. It ate everything. Big, fat, smug, damn stupid crappy piece of crappy crap.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Dye! Dye! My Darling! Jake Morgendorffer: They're going to make it illegal to shoot squirrels? Damn it. What kind of town is this?
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Jane's Addition Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [Helen, Jake and Quinn are all offscreen, leaving the house] Meeting! Jake Morgendorffer: Golf! Quinn Morgendorffer: Date! Daria Morgendorffer: Sarcasm!
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Lane Miserables Jake Morgendorffer: I just don't get it; if B.C. is a caveman, how can he celebrate Ash Wednesday?
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Lane Miserables Jake Morgendorffer: Why don't they just put Marmaduke to sleep?
	Season 3 / Episode 1: - Daria! Jake Morgendorffer: Who do you want in an emergency? Superman, or your damn inner-child?
	Season 2 / Episode 13: - Write Where It Hurts Jake Morgendorffer: Hey, kiddo! Guess you're wondering what old Dad is up to with the big stew pot! Daria: Guess again.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - The New Kid Helen: Who is Ted and why haven't you told us about him, and is he trying to get you to join a cult? Daria: Oh, brother. Jake Morgendorffer: He calls himself brother? You mean like Brother Ted? Daria: No, like, "Oh, brother, you're all crazy." Ted is a nice guy from yearbook. He's odd, but he's not in a cult. And for the last time, we are not going out! [Daria exits] Helen: She's obviously lying. Jake Morgendorffer: Absolutely. Quinn: No question.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - I Don't Jake Morgendorffer: Helen, um, you're being kind of loud. Helen Morgendorffer: Oh, no! We don't want a scene, do we? We don't want to spoil the lovely wedding that lovely Mother spent so much lovely money on.
	Season 2 / Episode 1: - Arts 'n' Crass Daria: What's wrong? Helen: Your father had a little business setback, dear. He lost a client. Jake Morgendorffer: "I got a great idea," he said. "A million dollar idea," he said. "Cigars for pets. What do you think?" he said. "I want you to be honest," he said. What the hell made me believe him?
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - The Teachings of Don Jake Jake Morgendorffer: [telling campfire stories at night] Then, lying there in the darkness, the boy heard a tiny splashing sound. Psh! Psh! Like waves on a faraway shore. Except... the nearest ocean was a hundred miles away. The boy reached out for his sleeping father... but he was gone. Shaking with fear, the boy stumbled out of the rickety lean-to, and that's when he saw it: his father, sitting alone at the campfire. Alone... with a whole case of beer! Psh! Psh! [pantomimes gulping beer out of a can] The selfish old bastard was wasted again. [Daria and Quinn glare with boredom at Jake]
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - Road Worrier Helen: Your father went to one of the most famous festivals of the decade. Quinn: Woodstock? Jake Morgendorffer: Altamont! Terrible tragedy, but I demanded my money back and I got it. Daria: Wasn't Altamont free? Jake Morgendorffer: That's the same line they tried to use on me.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Malled Quinn: How will I hold my head up in the Fashion Club? Daria: A traction pulley? Quinn: Just because you're not interested in what's new and attractive and popular... Daria: Oh, I'm interested. But why go a mere 100 miles away? I bet they have some fascinating malls in Southeast Asia. Jake Morgendorffer: Southeast Asia? To go to a mall? Dammit! Helen: Sit down, dear. It was a joke. Jake Morgendorffer: [angrily] Oh! [Calm] Oh.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Cafe Disaffecto Daria: Then we filled out this worksheet, and that was pretty much it. Money well spent, since it wasn't my money. Quinn Morgendorffer: You left out the best part. Daria: Getting a date with the instructor is only the best part to you. Quinn Morgendorffer: It's not a date. We're meeting to discuss scholarship options. Jake Morgendorffer: Scholarship? Way to go, sweetie. Daria: There's no such thing as a making-out scholarship. Quinn Morgendorffer: Uh, excuse me, but I think he would know better than you.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Cafe Disaffecto Quinn Morgendorffer: Anyway, the best part, I meant, was the trip. Jake Morgendorffer: What trip? Quinn Morgendorffer: We have to visit a college of our choosing. Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Great! We'll go to Middleton! Jake Morgendorffer: We'll all head up to the old alma mater this weekend! Quinn Morgendorffer: Wait! We get to pick the college, and no one said you could come. Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: But Quinn, your father and I would love it if you kids followed in our footsteps. Quinn Morgendorffer: We're walking? Ugh! Daria: [to Helen] Maybe we should visit your old nursery school first.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Cafe Disaffecto Jake Morgendorffer: [Daria walks in the living room and sees the rest of her family seated] Hey, Daria! Come on in! Daria: Uh... what happened? Quinn Morgendorffer: Nothing - only somebody in this family turned out to be college material. Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Quinn was accepted to Manatee College in Florida! Quinn Morgendorffer: Remember those stupid worksheets we had to fill out for that course? Mine won. Jake Morgendorffer: I'm so proud of you, honey. Quinn Morgendorffer: Manatee... it sounds kind of European, don't you think? Daria: Uh, did you guys read this letter? Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Yes, and it says right there that she's in. Daria: And here at the bottom it also says, "Manatee College has no classes, but offers beachfront accommodations at a cost of $10,000 per semester." Quinn Morgendorffer: That's even better than we thought, right, Dad? Jake Morgendorffer: [Snatches letter from Daria] Give me that!
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Cafe Disaffecto Quinn Morgendorffer: [the car the Morgendorffers are in runs over road kill] Daddy! Jake Morgendorffer: It was dead already, sweetheart. Just like the others. Quinn Morgendorffer: How do you know? Daria: You didn't hear any screaming, did you? Quinn Morgendorffer: I think people who run over animals should get run over themselves to see how they like it. Daria: What about unpopular animals? Quinn Morgendorffer: Unpopular animals don't count. Daria: What about the stupid ones? Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: Come on, girls. We'll be at Susan and Doug's soon. Daria: Hooray. Jake Morgendorffer: It'll be fun. You can hang out with Ramona. Daria: Ramona's three.
	Unknown Episode: Jake Morgendorffer: [flustered as usual, during a kitchen fire] What's the number for 9-1-1?
	Unknown Episode: Jake Morgendorffer: [flustered as usual, during a kitchen fire] What's the number for 9-1-1?
	Unknown Episode: Jake Morgendorffer: [flustered as usual, during a kitchen fire] What's the number for 9-1-1?

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