Daria Morgendorffer

Daria

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Played by:

Tracy Grandstaff

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Daria Morgendorffer Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 10: - Aunt Nauseam Jake Morgendorffer: What do you think, Daria? Stonewall Jackson fed his men these Johnny cakes the night before the battle of Chancellorsville. Daria Morgendorffer: Well, that explains why they shot him there.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Lucky Strike Ms. Angela Li: Students of Lawndale High. Jane Lane: Is that the voice in my head that tells me to kill and kill again? Daria Morgendorffer: No. Satan's voice is lower, and he has an English accent.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Lucky Strike Daria Morgendorffer: Okay. We know Mr. O'Neill assigned a play, and you're pretty sure the title didn't contain the word "alien." Do you remember anything else? Joey: Uh, I think the guy on the cover was wearing tights. Daria Morgendorffer: Hmm... Since there are no wrestling dramas on the syllabus, I'm guessing Shakespeare. Jeffy: Wait, I remember now. He's a stalker! He follows girls home from parties and peeks in their windows. Daria Morgendorffer: Romeo and Juliet.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Story of D Joey: "An Ode to Aubergine?" Jamie: "A Good Pluck?" Jeffy: "Please Remember to Blush?" Jane Lane: There must be a lot going on in the boys' room that we don't know about. Daria Morgendorffer: And really, that's as it should be.
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - The Story of D Jodie Abigail Landon: Hey, Daria, congratulations. A published story, that's amazing. Daria Morgendorffer: Um, it's not exactly published. I sent it in, but I haven't heard back. Kevin Thompson: Then why are you telling everybody that it's been published? Jane Lane: Oh, you know Daria and her compulsive need to impress. Brittany Taylor: Oh. But then instead of making up stuff about writing, shouldn't you pick something good? Daria Morgendorffer: How's this? During the day, I'm a mild-mannered student. But at night, I fight crime in a stretchy-stretchy costume.
	Season 5 / Episode 4: - Camp Fear Amelia: This reminds me of the time you boycotted the end of summer campfire by the lake. That was so cool. Daria Morgendorffer: Actually, I wasn't invited. Amelia: Oh. Amelia: Remember the time you took of on your horse and left us all behind. Daria Morgendorffer: You mean the horse ran off with me on it, and tossed me in the river, and I had to get nine stitches.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - Sappy Anniversary Tom: Hey... if you're not going to leave a flaming bag of dog crap on the doorstep, at least come in. Daria Morgendorffer: Well, can't resist an invitation like that.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Fizz Ed Daria Morgendorffer: Do you think I complain too much? Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What are you bitching about now?
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Dye! Dye! My Darling! Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Why is everyone so mad at me? Daria Morgendorffer: Why? Why? Because I moved to this town and I knew immediately I'd be a total outcast. And in the one moment of good luck I've had in my entire life, I met another outcast who I could really be friends with and not have to feel completely alone. And then you came along and screwed the whole thing up! Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: All I did was meet a girl I thought was cool and I went out with her for a while. We started to get bored with each other. It happens all the time. It's nobody's fault. Daria Morgendorffer: Oh yeah? Would you still be bored with her if I weren't around? Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Probably. And more to the point, she'd be bored with me. It's got nothing to do with you. Daria Morgendorffer: Good. Because I'm not interested in you, and I'd be stabbing my friend in the back if I even considered it Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Exactly. And what kind of a jerk would that make me? Daria Morgendorffer: Exactly. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: All right then. Daria Morgendorffer: Okay. Daria Morgendorffer: Dammit! Dammit, dammit, dammit! Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I liked it, too. Daria Morgendorffer: That's not funny! Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I know. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: That was definitely not funny. Daria Morgendorffer: I gotta go! [runs out of the car]
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Dye! Dye! My Darling! Daria Morgendorffer: So... what happens now? Jane Lane: I was hoping you knew. Daria Morgendorffer: Are we still friends? Daria Morgendorffer: Are we? Jane Lane: Yeah. We're the kind of friends who can't stand the sight of each other. Daria Morgendorffer: Temporarily, right? Jane Lane: I hope so, Daria.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Dye! Dye! My Darling! Jane Lane: Maybe we'd better to talk about this later. Daria Morgendorffer: There's nothing to talk about. You're delusional. Jane Lane: Oh, well, in that case, I can just talk to myself about it.
	Season 4 / Episode 12: - Fire! Quinn Morgendorffer: Ewww. You're not going to eat that fat, are you? Daria Morgendorffer: No. I'm going to stick it in my boots, 'cuz I love the squishy, squishy feeling 'round my toes.
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Mart of Darkness Jane Lane: [sneaks up to Andrea] Caught ya! Daria Morgendorffer: [Andrea turns around] Andrea? Andrea: Well, you found me... Now you can make fun of the pathetic goth chick who's parents make her work at a crappy job in a stupid warehouse store. Go on, cut me up like you do everyone else... Daria Morgendorffer: ...I just want a shoelace. Jane Lane: Besides, I don't think we can cut you up anymore than you just did.
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Psycho Therapy Daria Morgendorffer: Damn. I'll have to make my own breakfast. Daria Morgendorffer: Now I'm too tired to eat.
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Jane's Addition Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey. Jane Lane: Hey. Daria Morgendorffer: What are you doing here? Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Those really good friends of mine - they totally blew me off. I figured you guys might be here. Jane Lane: Well, pull up a bench. We'll order another pie. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: No, I'll just get a slice. I'm only going to stay a minute. Daria Morgendorffer: Wanna borrow my stopwatch? Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey, Daria, if you want me to leave, just say so. Daria Morgendorffer: Okay, bye now. Jane Lane: Hey, come on, Daria. I thought we were going to see a movie. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: What movie? Daria Morgendorffer: It's called "The Big Chick Movie That Appeals Only to Girls and Makes Men and Boys Vomit." Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Hey, Daria, did I say I wanted to go to the movie with you? Daria Morgendorffer: No, but you never mentioned wanting to horn in on our pizza time, either. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Daria, you're so darn pleasant and friendly, I don't see how anyone could resist an evening with you. But just on a crazy whim, I think I'll go home and watch TV by myself.
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Jane's Addition Trent Lane: Listen, I got to get to rehearsal. I'm late. Daria Morgendorffer: How do you know? You don't wear a watch. Trent Lane: I'm always late. That's why I don't wear a watch. They depress me. Daria Morgendorffer: You know, Trent, somehow that makes perfect sense. Trent Lane: Sorry again about, you know... everything. Daria Morgendorffer: That's okay. Trent Lane: All right then, Daria. See you around. [Trent kisses Daria on the cheek and leaves] Daria Morgendorffer: See ya.
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Jane's Addition Helen Barksdale Morgendorffer: [Helen, Jake and Quinn are all offscreen, leaving the house] Meeting! Jake Morgendorffer: Golf! Quinn Morgendorffer: Date! Daria Morgendorffer: Sarcasm!
	Season 3 / Episode 13: - Jane's Addition Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Look, I'd like to talk to you, okay? Daria Morgendorffer: So, talk. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Listen, you don't like me and that's fine. There's no reason you should. Daria Morgendorffer: I agree. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: But it would be really nice if you could try and get along with me a little. At least in front of Jane. Daria Morgendorffer: Why should I? Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Because she's your best friend, and I really like her and want to get to know her. Daria Morgendorffer: So? Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: So you hating me puts her in a very awkward position. Daria Morgendorffer: I don't hate you. I don't even know you. But I'm not going to sit by while you take my friend away. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I'm not taking your friend away. All she talks about is "Daria said this," "Daria did this," "listen to what Daria told this moron." Daria Morgendorffer: Don't bother with the flattery, Tom... I'm immune. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: I'm not flattering you, Daria. I don't care if you don't like me. I'm just saying you'd have to be pretty stupid to think anything or anybody is going to shake your friendship with Jane. Daria Morgendorffer: Yeah, pretty stupid. Look, I may conceivably have been acting like a jerk toward you... Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: It's possible; don't worry about it. Daria Morgendorffer: But you and I are not friends. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: Definitely not. Daria Morgendorffer: And even if we were friends, I still wouldn't ride in that car. Thomas 'Tom' Sloane: That's just plain common sense.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - Speedtrapped Quinn Morgendorffer: Tense? Daria Morgendorffer: No, there's a lot of stuff going on. You have no idea how complicated driving is. Quinn Morgendorffer: It's not that hard. Daria Morgendorffer: How would you know? Daria Morgendorffer: Dah! A giant truck!
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - It Happened One Nut Helen: "Your lack of interest in personal interaction makes you an ideal candidate for working with the dead." Daria, have you given any thought to your career plans? Daria Morgendorffer: I guess I'll just wait around for people to kick the bucket. Helen: I can't believe you're not more ambitious. Daria Morgendorffer: You want me to kill people to drum up business?
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Lost Girls Quinn Morgendorffer: "Spotlight: Lawndale Fashion Club - A Val Magazine Special Photo Spread." What do you think? Daria Morgendorffer: I think the world's gone mad. Mad, I tell you. Quinn Morgendorffer: This is our chance to be the next international style center. Daria Morgendorffer: Paris. New York. Milan. Lawndale.
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Lost Girls Daria Morgendorffer: As far as I can make out, "edgy" occurs when middlebrow, middle-aged profiteers are looking to suck the energy - not to mention the spending money - out of the "youth culture." So they come up with this fake concept of seeming to be dangerous when every move they make is the result of market research and a corporate master plan.
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Lost Girls Val: Now look here, missy. I mean, what are you, Dar, a teacher? I am a role model! I'm in touch with the teen within. Daria Morgendorffer: Why don't you get in touch with the 30-something without?
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Lost Girls Mr. Timothy O'Neill: We won, Daria. We won! [hugs Daria] Daria Morgendorffer: Lawsuit. Mr. Timothy O'Neill: Sorry! [lets go]
	Season 2 / Episode 9: - Ill Daria Morgendorffer: Look, I'm sorry about last night. Jane Lane: Aw, forget it. It was a rare opportunity, getting to hang out with Brittany in a grunge club. Although her hair did leak onto my shoes. Daria Morgendorffer: You're sure that wasn't her brain? Jane Lane: No, there was too much of it.
	Season 2 / Episode 9: - Ill Brittany Taylor: [Brittany goes to visit Daria in the hospital] Daria? Daria Morgendorffer: Brittany? What are you doing here? Brittany Taylor: Um, I just wanted to thank you for not going back on our deal, and I thought I might find Jane here and tell her I did kind of go back on our deal, but I also kind of went back on your part of our deal so there's no use in you doing that. Jane Lane: We had a deal?
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Gifted Daria Morgendorffer: My goal is to not wake up aged 40 thinking I've wasted my life because I had to choose a career path while still in my teens.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - I Don't Daria Morgendorffer: Amy, is life always tawdry, stupid, and humiliating, or is it just a phase? Aunt Amy Barksdale: Just a phase. I'm expecting to grow out of it anytime now.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - I Don't Jane Lane: [Daria is trying on bridesmaid dresses] [In Southern accent] Oh Scarlett, you grow lovelier by the day! Daria Morgendorffer: I will kill you. And bury your body in this dress.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - I Don't Daria Morgendorffer: [the Morgendorffers are approaching the wedding hotel] Redrum! Redrum!

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