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 | Season 9 / Episode 6: - Never Too Old Jones: Is Mrs Fox in love with me for myself or is she in love with me for my meat. |
| Season 9 / Episode 6: - Never Too Old Jones, Capt. George Mainwaring, Sgt. Arthur Wilson, Pte. James Frazer, Pte. Charles Godfrey, Pte. Frank Pike: To Britain's Home Guard! |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - The Miser's Hoard Frazer: Captain Mainwaring. I've only got one thing to say to you. If you think you're getting your hands on my gold you can think again. I don't trust banks, I don't trust bankers and I don't trust you. That's all I wanted to say. Thank you. |
| Season 8 / Episode 1: - Ring Dem Bells Pike: [dressed in a German officer's uniform and speaking with a German accent] Schwein hund, you have five seconds to tell us your plans or it is - kaput! |
| Season 7 / Episode 6: - Turkey Dinner Jones: Well Mrs. Fox is an excellent cook. Aren't you Mrs. Fox? Mrs. Fox: Well. You've always been very nice about my dumplings. |
| Season 7 / Episode 5: - The Captain's Car Wilson: Sir? What would you do with a Rolls Royce? Mainwaring: Well, I'd use it as my staff car. Wilson: Well, a shiny and bright Rolls Royce like that. Wouldn't it look a bit untidy? Mainwaring: How do you mean untidy? Wilson: Well... Um... Well I suppose we could always sit you on a cushion. |
| Season 6 / Episode 5: - The Honourable Man Mainwaring: I've been waiting years to get into that golf club. Wilson: I believe they're awfully particular. |
| Season 6 / Episode 4: - We Knows Our Onions Capt. George Mainwaring: [when Jones volunteered to be thrown over the fence] That's the spirit! I like to see some guts! Sgt. Arthur Wilson: And you probably will... |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - The Deadly Attachment U-Boat Captain: I am making notes, Captain, and when we win the war, you will be brought to account Mainwaring: You can write what you like. You're not going to win this war. U-Boat Captain: Oh, yes we are! Mainwaring: Oh no you're not! U-Boat Captain: Oh yes we are! Pike: [sings] Whistle while you work / Hitler is a twerp / He's half barmy, so's his army / Whistle while you work. U-Boat Captain: [pointing at Pike] Your name will also go on zee list. What is it? Mainwaring: Don't tell him, Pike! U-Boat Captain: Pike. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - The Deadly Attachment Jones: Sir? Now that the crisis is past could you ask Private Frazer to take his hand out of my trousers. |
| Season 6 / Episode 1: - The Deadly Attachment Mainwaring: I'm going to talk to them! Sgt. Arthur Wilson: You can't speak German! Mainwaring: They'll know from the natural authority in my voice that I'm in charge. [pause] You'd better come with me. |
| Season 5 / Episode 13: - Broadcast To The Empire (Short) German Pilot: [hanging from the town clock] Bitte, mein Herr! Oh, bitte, bitte! Jones: It's no good trying to apologize. German Pilot: Schnell. Schnell. Jones: Never mind about the smell. That's got nothing to do with it. |
| Season 5 / Episode 13: - Broadcast To The Empire (Short) Jones: [speaking to the German hanging from the clock tower] Now my captain's going to ponder with you now listen. Mainwaring: Further resistance is useless. In the name of the King I demand that you surrender. |
| Season 5 / Episode 12: - Round and Round Went the Great Big Wheel Mainwaring: Oh you'd stick up for him of course wouldn't you? You both went to public school didn't you? Wilson: You know sir, I can't help feeling that you've got a bit of a chip on your shoulder about that. Mainwaring: There's no chip on my shoulder. I'll tell you what is though. Three pips - and don't you forget it. |
| Season 5 / Episode 8: - All is Safely Gathered In Pte. James Frazer: Yon Godfrey has a queer, fey look. More than likely he's a sexual maniac. |
| Season 5 / Episode 8: - All is Safely Gathered In LCpl. Jack Jones: It's like this, sir. Just before the beginning of the commencement of the Boer War, it all started. Mr Godfrey here, he was a dandy young buck of some twenty summers. Sgt. Arthur Wilson: I'm terribly sorry, I didn't quite catch that. Capt. George Mainwaring: Dandy, dandy. Sgt. Arthur Wilson: [relieved] Oh! Dandy; I'm so sorry. |
| Season 5 / Episode 3: - A Soldier's Farewell Mainwaring: [dreaming he's Napoleon overlooking the battlefield at Waterloo after a cinema trip and a toasted cheese supper] I can't see through all this smoke. Pvt. Sponge: Well, it's your own fault. I told you we should have sat down the front in the ninepennies. |
| Season 5 / Episode 2: - Keep Young and Beautiful Mainwaring: I think we're going to have to split this platoon into two halves, you know. One half for those who are fit and strong, and the other half for those who are not up to battle standards. Wilson: Yes, well, I tried that once, sir. It looked rather untidy. Mainwaring: How d'you mean, "untidy"? Wilson: Well, there were two in one half, and twenty-one in the other. |
| Season 4 / Episode 5: - Don't Fence Me In Mainwaring: [the platoon is trying to communicate with an Italian P.O.W] Does anyone speak Italian? Godfrey: I speak a little, sir. Godfrey: [to the Italian POW] Vostro piccolo mano e ghiacciato. Permesso e caldo ancora a vita. Mainwaring: What did you say to him, Godfrey? Godfrey: Your tiny hands are frozen. Mainwaring: What on earth did you say that for? Godfrey: It's the only Italian I know, sir - you see, I'm a very keen opera fan. |
| Season 3 / Episode 13: - No Spring for Frazer Frazer: I won't have to clean that thing for three weeks. Mainwaring: That is not the right attitude to adopt Frazer. You should consider it an honour and a privilege to use this Lewis gun. Frazer: I think it's a privilege us ever getting a look in with you and the Sergeant using it all the time. Mainwaring: That'll do. That'll do. The butterfly spring seems to be missing from here Frazer. Frazer: What? Oh aye. So it is. I must have left it in me workshop. Mainwaring: Your workshop? Frazer: Aye. I took the gun home to be cleaned. Mainwaring: Look. For a start you've got no right to take that gun off these premises. Most of all that gun is totally useless without it's butterfly spring. If a Nazi Storm Trooper came rushing in from the sky you could do nothing with that but hit him with it. Jones: Permission to speak sir. If Frazer hit him with it, it wouldn't half make his eyes water. |
| Season 3 / Episode 13: - No Spring for Frazer Frazer: [about Jones' not volunteering to dig up a coffin] He never volunteers for anything unless Captain Mainwaring's watching. Jones: That's a very hurtful thing to say, I'm not a bit like that. Very well, I will volunteer to do this grisly thing. Frazer: Ah. Tell Captain Mainwaring after. Jones: Listen, if it wasn't for my age, I'd punch your 'ead in. As it is, I am giving you formal notice I shall not honour your meat coupons. |
| Season 3 / Episode 13: - No Spring for Frazer Mr. Blewitt: Hey, my brother's got a screw loose! Pte. Charles Godfrey: Oh dear. They say there's one in most families. |
| Season 3 / Episode 11: - Branded Pte. Charles Godfrey: I went into the larder to get the milk, then I saw something that made me realise that I just couldn't carry on. Capt. George Mainwaring: What on earth was it? Pte. Charles Godfrey: A mouse. Capt. George Mainwaring: A mouse? Pte. Charles Godfrey: Yes, you see in the larder was a great big, empty pudding basin - a mouse had fallen inside, and it was running round and round trying to get out. I know I ought to kill it because we're overrun with mice, so I got hold of it, and as I held it in my hand, I could feel it's little heart beating under it's fur - and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Capt. George Mainwaring: So, what did you do? Pte. Charles Godfrey: I took it into the garden and let it go. Capt. George Mainwaring: Look, Godfrey, I still don't see what this has got to do with you wanting to leave the platoon? Pte. Charles Godfrey: Don't you understand, sir? If I couldn't bring myself to kill that mouse, how could I ever kill a German? |
| Season 3 / Episode 11: - Branded Pte. James Frazer: I've brought you a bottle of scotch. Pte. Joe Walker: I've brought you a quarter of tea. Pte. Charles Godfrey: From the Army and Navy? Pte. Joe Walker: No, from a fellow I know in the Air Force. |
| Season 3 / Episode 11: - Branded Capt. George Mainwaring: [the platoon have found out about Godfrey's Military Medal] There's still one thing I can't understand, Godfrey. Pte. Charles Godfrey: What's that, sir? Capt. George Mainwaring: Why didn't you wear your medals? Pte. Charles Godfrey: Somehow I thought they looked rather ostentatious, sir Capt. George Mainwaring: Ostentatious... but good Lord, man - If I'd have won the Military Medal, I'd have worn it proudly on my chest for the world to see. Pte. Charles Godfrey: Yes, sir, and that would have been all right - because somehow you look like a hero. Sgt. Arthur Wilson: It just goes to show, sir, you can never judge by appearances. [Mainwaring glares at Wilson] |
| Season 3 / Episode 10: - Menace From the Deep Wilson: What a nasty little scene, sir. Mainwaring: Well what do you expect from a tradesman? |
| Season 3 / Episode 10: - Menace From the Deep Walker: Godfrey was asleep on duty so I shot him. Mainwaring: [Mainwaring isn't listening] Good. |
| Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Day the Balloon Went Up Cissy Godfrey: Oh, vicar, do you think this is a judgement on us? The Vicar: You speak for yourself, I haven't done anything! |
| Season 3 / Episode 8: - The Day the Balloon Went Up Mainwaring: [pointing at rude word written on the back of church organs] Do you see this word, corporal? Jones: Yes, sir. Mainwaring: Have you done that? Jones: You mean recently sir? Mainwaring: No! I mean did you wrote this? |
| Season 3 / Episode 2: - Battle School LCpl. Jack Jones: I just wanted to tell you I still have faith in you, sir. Capt. George Mainwaring: Thank you, Corporal. LCpl. Jack Jones: Even if nobody else does. |
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