Larry David

Curb Your Enthusiasm

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Larry David

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Larry David Quotes

	Season 7 / Episode 3: - The Reunion Larry David: I'm going to hate myself more than normally.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - The Ski Lift Larry David: I think you took the ball, stashed in your unusually large vagina, and marched right out of here.
	Season 5 / Episode 8: - The Ski Lift Larry David: [walking in] Hello! Lisa Thompson: Hello. Welcome back. Larry David: [enthusiastically] So! You know, I spoke to our mutual friend. [Jeff, concerning the size of his penis] Lisa Thompson: Did you say hello for me? Larry David: I did, I did. I did say hello, and... I couldn't help but mention the... whole kind of...”small penis" thing... It came out. Lisa Thompson: Oh, my gosh... Was he upset? Larry David: Not at all! Not at all... [folds his arms] Lisa Thompson: Really? Larry David: In fact he had a... completely different take on it than you! He said the problem didn't lie with his small penis... but rather, with your... BIG vagina. [smugly, he makes a wide 'V' symbol with his hands] Lisa Thompson: Is THAT what he did? Larry David: Yeah! [sign again] BIG! Lisa Thompson: THIS is my vagina? Larry David: HUGE! [nodding smuggly] Huge! Lisa Thompson: Are you kidding? I don't have a big vagina! Larry David: [grinning smugly with condescending eyes] You've got the huge vagina. Lisa Thompson: Oh, do I? Larry David: [nodding] You got the huge vagina. You're blaming the small penis... It's not necessary. Lisa Thompson: I made a little... You're the one that-! Larry David: [cutting Lisa off] ME THINKS the lady doth protest too much! Hmph! [making the sign]
	Season 5 / Episode 5: - Lewis Needs A Kidney Larry David: The ass is part of my snuggle.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Bowtie Larry David: This project demands I get back to my base.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Bowtie Larry David: [about Lesbians] I'm their biggest supporter! Marty Funkhouser: You're their biggest supporter? Larry David: Yeah. Marty Funkhouser: Well, then they're in a lot of trouble.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - The Bowtie Omar Jones: ...Muslims are very forgiving people. Larry David: They are? Omar Jones: Yes, we are. We're very forgiving. Larry David: Wh-what? Omar Jones: Well, it's true. Larry David: There's a lot of meshugena Muslims out running around, are there not?
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Mary, Joseph and Larry Larry David: I think I tipped that guy twice. Jeff Greene: What? Why wouldn't he tell you? Larry David: Because he got twice the money. [sarcastically] Why?
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Krazee-Eyez Killa Krazee-Eyez Killa: [rapping] So you think you're gonna cross me And mess with my shit? Openin' your fuckin' trap And flappin' your lip? Don't fuck with me, nigga Cause you're gonna get dropped I'll snap off your neck With a crackle and pop! Larry David: That's good. I like that Rice Krispies thing. Krazee-Eyez Killa: Oh you caught that? How about this. [rapping] If you say anything You'll beg me to die Cause I'll make you suck my dick Then I'll nut in your eye I'll stomp on your world As if my name was Godzilla I'm comin' for you, motha-fucka, I'm your Krazee-Eyez Killa! [end rap] and then I'll look like this on the album [looks crazy] Larry David: I like it. But can I make one suggestion. How about lose the motherfucker. Cause you already said fuck before, you don't need two fucks. Instead how about bitch. Cause bitch is like a word for someone you disrespect.
	Season 3 / Episode 8: - Krazee-Eyez Killa Larry David: [after Krazee-Eyez finds him the jacket he needs for a movie] Are you my Caucasian?
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Shaq Larry David: I'll have a vanilla... one of those vanilla bullshit things. You know, whatever you want, some vanilla bullshit latte cappa thing. Whatever you got.
	Season 2 / Episode 7: - The Doll Jeff Greene: Hey, do you want to have dinner tomorrow before the show? Larry David: Oh I don't know... Cheryl: We've got plans. Larry David: We don't have plans we just don't want to have dinner with you. Cheryl: [exasperated] Larry....
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Porno Gil Jeff Greene's Mother: Why did you have to put those clothes of Jeff's, just throw them in... Larry David: Why? Why? Why? Jeff Greene's Mother: Just throw them in, in the trunk, on top of a dirty old tire? Why? Larry David: Obviously there's something wrong with me. Jeff Greene's Mother: Yes, well, that's the question... Larry David: What is wrong with me? Jeff Greene's Mother: Why would anybody do that? A person doesn't do that. Larry David: I don't have a closet in my house. I'm just used to throwing things around like that. Jeff Greene's Mother: And throwing them on the floor? Larry David: I throw them on the floor. That's how all my clothes are at home. I don't even have a bed, I sleep on a big pile of clothes. Jeff Greene's Mother: Well, it's just disgusting. Larry David: I'm a disgusting man.
	Unknown Episode: Donald: You know what you are? You're a self-loathing Jew. Larry David: Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.
	Unknown Episode: Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch! [the restaurant suddenly turns silent] Larry David: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that. Larry David: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore! Jeff Greene: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock! Michael York: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls! Restaurant Manager: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit! Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch! Susie Greene: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT! Cheryl's Dad: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob. Richard Lewis: Pussy pig fucker! Jeff Greene's Dad: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O! [Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]
	Unknown Episode: Man: Are you Jewish? Larry David: You want to check my penis?
	Unknown Episode: Jeff Greene: [Jeff is carting around Suzie's dog, a German Shepard] Boy, you seem to really like Oscar. Larry David: It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German, it just doesn't happen that often.
	Unknown Episode: Cheryl: [Larry discusses becoming a restaurant host] I thought you didn't like talking to people. Larry David: I don't like talking to... to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] You know what a woman would do if I ever asked her to lift up her top? Jeff Greene: Why do you have to analyze this? Can't we just watch this? Larry David: She would spit on me! If I ever asked a woman to lift up her top, she would kick me in the balls and spit on me! Jeff Greene: We've waited a long time to see this and all you're doing is yakking. Be quiet, come on!
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] What do you mean you're not going to pause it? Jeff Greene: I'm not a pauser, I don't like pausing. Larry David: Well, that's rude, I'll miss it. Jeff Greene: I'll rewind it when you come back. Larry David: Yeah, but I can see when you rewind and it'll give it away! Jeff Greene: There's no story! Give what away? There's bosoms! That's it!
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: [to president of ABC] Here's a question for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"- what kind of an idiot is running ABC?
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: I pee sitting down. Jeff Greene: You pee sitting down? Larry David: Yeah! Have you ever tried it? Jeff Greene: No! Larry David: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read. Jeff Greene: What are you reading? Larry David: I'm reading a lot of stuff. Jeff Greene: What stuff? Larry David: If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake! Jeff Greene: Twenty times? Larry David: Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'! Jeff Greene: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'?
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: [to Cheryl, while they are sitting, waiting for the Dansons to call] They could at least lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We don't want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect. This is very disrespectful.
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: This is called a Swiss Army Knife. Do you know what Switzerland is? Tara Michaelson: No, what's that? Larry David: Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: What are you doing there? Man: A little plumbing. Larry David: A little plumbing! Got to plumb! Plumb the depths! The depths of hell!
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: Have you ever played telephone before? You don't even know how to play telephone, do you? Cheryl: I do know how to play telephone. Larry David: Oh, do you? Cheryl: Yeah, but I usually play the "G" version. It's usually something like, "Susie lives down the lane." Larry David: The kid didn't say "Susie lives down the lane," he said "I love tits!"
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: Bullshit, that's not the tempo. Get out of here. Blind Man: I think it is. Larry David: What? Blind Man: Pretty much. Larry David: Well, I don't know any human could dance to that tempo. You'd have to be "Flash" to dance like that. Blind Man: Who? Larry David: Oh, forget it. It's a comic book character wearing the red costume. The guy in the red costume! Blind Man: I don't even know what red is. Larry David: Hm. It's hard to talk to a blind guy, you have no references.
	Unknown Episode: Marty Funkhouser: Why do you pee sitting down? Larry David: Many reasons. Marty Funkhouser: Do you crap standing up?
	Unknown Episode: Larry David: The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew!
	Unknown Episode: Ben Stiller: You wouldn't even shake my hand the first time we met... Larry David: You sneezed... you had snot all over your hand! Ben Stiller: That was a dry sneeze, Larry! Larry David: I can't assume dry, I gotta assume wet!

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