CSI: Crime Scene Investigation - Episode Quotes

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CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Quotes

	Season 9 / Episode 20: - A Space Oddity Ronald D. Moore: You suck!
	Season 9 / Episode 20: - A Space Oddity David Hodges: He's dead, Jim.
	Season 9 / Episode 20: - A Space Oddity Greg Sanders: [after watching the fanboys denounce "Astro Quest Redux"] So let me get this straight: some nerd takes a cheesy '60s sci-fi show and turns it into something a little more realistic - minus the spaceship, of course - and the other nerds get pissed off enough that they beat him up and kill him over it? Archie Johnson: People don't like it when you mess with their heroes.
	Season 9 / Episode 20: - A Space Oddity Nick Stokes: [interviewing a bartender in alien makeup] Well, there's nothing worse than a bunch of drunk conventioners. Must be hard enough to sling drinks without making you play dress-up. William: [removes his alien headpiece to reveal extensive facial scarring] How do you like this makeup? Got it on my second tour of Afghanistan. These Astro Questers, they believe in a future where human beings, they transcend their differences. I wouldn't mind living in a world like that. Nick Stokes: [chastened] Yeah, me either.
	Season 9 / Episode 20: - A Space Oddity Jonathan Danson: My name is Jonathan Danson, and I'm here to set you free. Free from a vision of an antiseptic future filled with... with heroes and heroines who are always steadfast and well-adjusted and altruistic. Like most of you, I grew up with "Astro Quest." Every Thursday night my dad would gather the family around our TV to watch the latest episode. I loved it! But the older I got, the more the mythology began to eat away at my soul. I couldn't measure up to the brave crew of that perfect ship. I wasn't handsome, courageous and strong, I was weak, petty, self-destructive and I hated myself for it. But then, one night it hit me like a bolt of lightning. I looked around the bar at the other frightened, sad people and I said to myself "Do you see an Artemus Bishop here? Do you see one at work?" People, look around you! Do you see an Artemus Bishop anywhere? Of course not, because he's a fictional construct, a phantom who whispers "You are not enough!" Well, I am here to show you who we really are. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Astro Quest Redux!"
	Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Descent of Man Captain Jim Brass: So, according to this, you said that you struck the Steven with his staff. You smote him. That isn't true, is it? George: Yea - no. Captain Jim Brass: What did you hit him with? Oh, it says here a large rock. George: Yes. Captain Jim Brass: No, wait a minute, the branch of a tree. George: Yes. Captain Jim Brass: No, a hockey stick. George: Yes. Captain Jim Brass: You didn't really kill Steven, did you? George: No. Captain Jim Brass: So why'd you confess to murder? George: Well, I try to live my life according to the 17th proclamation of the Steven, from his second sermon at the Starbucks. Captain Jim Brass: Oh, I missed that one. George: "It is better to be agreeable than to be right." Captain Jim Brass: That's not religion, that's marriage. George: [laughs] That's... very... Captain Jim Brass: So you didn't kill Steven? George: Yes. No. Captain Jim Brass: You did? George: Yes. Captain Jim Brass: You killed him? George: No. Captain Jim Brass: Are you clinically insane or just incredibly annoying? George: What would you prefer?
	Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Descent of Man Holy Steven: [the gospel according to "Holy" Steven] Greetings, siblings. Today we learn the lesson of the barista, who taught me - Steven - this lesson. I did not want whipped cream on my half-caf venti mocha latte. But when it arrived so and I mentioned it, the barista said, "Dude, we're slammed here. Can't you just spoon it out?" And I realized, I could and I did. And thus I freed myself of the conflict that would afflict all the other good people in line. So remember, siblings: In all things be supple of thought and pliant of deed.
	Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Descent of Man Nick Stokes: There's a story for you. I think I'll sell it to Holly-weird. Get rich.
	Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Descent of Man Nick Stokes: Those Persian dudes are tough, man. Dr. Raymond Langston: Well, they were once an empire that stretched half-way across the known world. The greek playwright, Aeschylus, wrote about the territorial ambitions of the Persian empire against Greece in his great cycle of tragedy and war "The Persians." Um - fifth century BC. Riley Adams: I will definitely put that on my reading list. Nick Stokes: Um-hmm. Riley Adams: Does anybody wanna grab some breakfast? Nick Stokes: Yeah. Yep. Greg Sanders: Why are you always thinking about food? Dr. Raymond Langston: None of you has read Aeschylus? Nick Stokes: I've been meaning to.
	Season 9 / Episode 19: - The Descent of Man Catherine Willows: What are the odds, right? Dr. Raymond Langston: Before it happened I would've said slim. But since it did happen - a hundred percent. Catherine Willows: Seems like a lot of things keep falling out of the sky, right? Poison, people, turtles. Dr. Raymond Langston: Tortoises. Catherine Willows: Whatever. Maybe I should start wearing a helmet. Dr. Raymond Langston: Or at least carrying an umbrella.
	Season 9 / Episode 5: - Leave Out All the Rest Captain Jim Brass: Lawyer by day, dominatrix by night. Similar skill sets.
	Season 9 / Episode 5: - Leave Out All the Rest Dr. Al Robbins: [while examining the corpse] I can see his brains through his nasal cavity - that's cool. [Grissom raises an eyebrow, Robbins stands upright and takes off his glasses] Well, BRB - Be Right Back. My wife's got me into texting now. [leaves]
	Season 9 / Episode 4: - Let it Bleed Nick Stokes: Guy died for small bills, beef jerky and a porno. Riley Adams: Hard up, hungry *and* dumb. It's no way to go through life.
	Season 9 / Episode 2: - The Happy Place Nick Stokes: Momentum's a bitch.
	Season 9 / Episode 1: - For Warrick Captain Jim Brass: Nick, what was that shot? Nick Stokes: Miss.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Two and a Half Deaths Warrick Brown: [showing a Rorschach-like blood stain] What does this look like to you? Gil Grissom: Hermaphrodite on roller skates. Catherine Willows: A puppy.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Two and a Half Deaths Stewart Lytle: [after seeing Wendy working in the lab] Beautiful people doing high-tech police work. There might be a series in this. Nick Stokes: I don't think so.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Two and a Half Deaths David Phillips: [to Grissom, after pulling a rubber chicken out of the mouth of a murder victim] Oh, come on. You've gotta say something. Uhh, "I suspect fowl play"; or, uh, "that's poultry evidence." You know: something. Gil Grissom: Dying's easy; comedy's hard.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Two and a Half Deaths Bud Parker: Annabelle and I were married two days ago. We had a deal: she said if I gave up coke, we could get married. Spencer Freiberg: But you never gave up coke! Bud Parker: She didn't know that.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Two and a Half Deaths Captain Jim Brass: Forget it Gil, it's Burbank.
	Season 8 / Episode 16: - Two and a Half Deaths Nick Stokes: A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
	Season 8 / Episode 15: - The Theory of Everything Gil Grissom: Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy's action. Hodges: Winston Churchill. Gil Grissom: Ian Fleming.
	Season 8 / Episode 15: - The Theory of Everything Wendy Simms: What do you think turned it green? Hodges: It might be sulfur. Wendy Simms: Sulfur is a naturally occurring component of blood. Hodges: But in massive doses, it tends to turn blood a blackish, avocado green. When the sulfur atom attaches to the hemoglobin molecules green. Which is why First Officer Spock's blood is green in Star Trek. Wendy Simms: No, it's not. Hodges: Yes, it is. Trust me, I'm an expert. Wendy Simms: Well, apparently not, because otherwise you would surely know that the oxidizing agent in Vulcan blood is copper and that is why his blood is green. I mean that and the fact that he had a Vulcan father since his mother was actually human. And further more, he was promoted to Captain just prior to Star Trek II and then he retired as a civilian ambassador. Hodges: You're like a geeky, nerdy guy trapped in a woman's body. Wendy Simms: So are you.
	Season 8 / Episode 15: - The Theory of Everything Hodges: Anytime you need a sniffer to detect it, my nose has the cyanide gene. Gil Grissom: What gene turned your nose brown.
	Season 8 / Episode 12: - Grissom's Divine Comedy DDA Madeline Klein: [to Grissom] You're the only man who's never let me down. I guess that either makes you a classic enabler... or my soulmate.
	Season 8 / Episode 12: - Grissom's Divine Comedy David Hodges: You know, in China people where masks when they're sick. It's considered impolite to infect your coworkers. Nick Stokes: Maybe you should go work in China. David Hodges: Maybe you should wear a mask.
	Season 8 / Episode 6: - Who and What Gil Grissom: I've learned that sometimes you can go faster by going slow. Jack Malone: Yeah, well, I like to go faster by going fast.
	Season 8 / Episode 3: - Go To Hell Sara Sidle: [to the new CSI, Ronnie] You know what, that question, I will answer. We're not here to protect anyone, Ronnie - not even the cops. We're here to figure out what happened. If you can't do that, you should get a different job.
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - A La Cart Nick Stokes: You know when I was a kid we used to make these out of lunch trays and mower motors. Greg Sanders: When I was a kid, I made bombs. Greg Sanders: Little bombs.
	Season 8 / Episode 2: - A La Cart Nick Stokes: Nothing says "I'm guilty" like running from the cops, dumbass.