Penelope Garcia

Criminal Minds

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Played by:

Kirsten Vangsness

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Penelope Garcia Quotes

	Season 5 / Episode 3: - Reckoner Dr. Spencer Reid: [after Hotch throws him a folder] What's this? Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: You told me you were cleared to travel. You lied. Emily Prentiss: Naughty boy. Dr. Spencer Reid: Uh, no I didn't. I am a doctor, so technically it wasn't a lie. Penelope Garcia: What was it then? Dr. Spencer Reid: Um... second opinion? Penelope Garcia: Hmm. You're my bitch now. [leaves the room as Morgan chuckles]
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - Reckoner Penelope Garcia: [to Hotch via webcam with Reid] I got something that might help us with that... Dr. Spencer Reid: Technically we have something that might help us with that.
	Season 5 / Episode 3: - Reckoner Dr. Spencer Reid: [to Prentiss via webcam with Garcia] Anything less than 10,000 dollars keeps the IRS off your trail. Penelope Garcia: [desperately] I know that too.
	Season 5 / Episode 2: - Haunted Dr. Spencer Reid: [after Garcia helps him sit down] Thanks. Penelope Garcia: Does it hurt? Dr. Spencer Reid: It really only hurts when I think about it which is pretty much all the time. [starts to snoop in the cookie tin next to him] Penelope Garcia: No, no, no. Get away you. [takes the lid] Dr. Spencer Reid: What? Penelope Garcia: These are for Hotch. Dr. Spencer Reid: I get shot in the leg and I don't get any cookies? You know he's gonna hate the attention. Penelope Garcia: [puts the lid back on] It's cookies, not cake.
	Season 5 / Episode 1: - Nameless, Faceless Penelope Garcia: [to Reid on the phone] Okay, do you want biological information or full medical charts? Dr. Spencer Reid: Can you get the full medical charts? Penelope Garcia: You know for a smart boy you still ask a lot of dumb questions.
	Season 4 / Episode 24: - Amplification Penelope Garcia: I can't be my usual sparkly self when you are where you are.
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - The Big Wheel Penelope Garcia: [about a serial killer] He sure likes his blondes. Not a good date, though - too stabby.
	Season 4 / Episode 22: - The Big Wheel Emily Prentiss: [in the investigation room; looking at Reid] What's missing from the Michelle Watson murder is any sign of rage or overkill. Dr. Spencer Reid: Yeah, instead on the tape we see signs of remorse. A complete and sudden emotional change. It's absolutely fascinating. Penelope Garcia: [walking over to Prentiss, looking at Reid] I love you, Reid, but the stuff you find fascinating is sad.
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - Bloodline Penelope Garcia: Hiya, baby. Derek Morgan: Hey baby girl. We need to talk. Penelope Garcia: PG or NC17? Derek Morgan: You're on speaker phone. Penelope Garcia: I charge extra for groups.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Memoriam Derek Morgan: [to Reid and Rossi] It's Garcia. [answers phone] Yeah, talk to me baby girl. Penelope Garcia: I'm not interrupting boy time a Crazy Horse 2 am I? Derek Morgan: You know that's not my thing. I'm more for in room entertainment. Penelope Garcia: Well, I can't help you there. But I do give good phone.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Memoriam Penelope Garcia: Oh, Will he looks just like you. Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: Let's hope he grows out of that. Emily Prentiss: Just as long as he doesn't inherit the accent. Dr. Spencer Reid: [from outside the door] Is there room for one more in here? Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Spence, hi. Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: [to Reid as he enters] Welcome back. Dr. Spencer Reid: Thanks. [looks at Henry] Wow. [to Will, extending his hand] Congratulations. Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: [takes Reid's hand] Thank you. Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [to Reid] How is it that I just went through 15 hours of labor and... you look worse than I do? [laughs] Dr. Spencer Reid: Don't be ridiculous. You look beautiful. Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: Well I could sure use some coffee. Anyone else? Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Sure. Detective William LaMontagne Jr.: My treat. Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: [after Will, Hotch, Prentiss and Garcia leave; to Reid] You okay? Dr. Spencer Reid: Wow. Yeah, yeah. Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: You sure? Because there's something I wanted to ask you, but, it can wait. Dr. Spencer Reid: What is it? Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Will and I were talking and... we want you to be Henry's Godfather. Dr. Spencer Reid: I don't - I mean, I don't know... Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: Here. You wanna hold him. It's okay. [hands Henry to Reid] Watch his head. Dr. Spencer Reid: Hi. Hello Henry. Jennifer 'JJ' Jareau: If anything happens to us, it's up to you and Garcia to make sure this boy gets into Yale. Dr. Spencer Reid: Ooh. Yale. Yale! Do you wanna go to Yale, Henry? That was your Godfather's safety school. [whispers] Don't worry, I can get you into Cal Tech with one phone call.
	Season 4 / Episode 7: - Memoriam Penelope Garcia: Ladies and gentleman, I'm not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV, but I believe young JJ is going into labor.
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Paradise Penelope Garcia: You, my fine furry friends, are welcome. Aaron 'Hotch' Hotchner: Remind me to have her drug tested.
	Season 3 / Episode 19: - Tabula Rasa Dr. Spencer Reid: [looking at a piece of paper] It's remarkable. Something like this makes you question everything you thought you knew. Penelope Garcia: Yeah. It's like the Monolith in 2001. Dr. Spencer Reid: So there was actually a time when something like this was socially acceptable? Penelope Garcia: Oh... you're young. Penelope Garcia: The eighties left a lot of people confused. Penelope Garcia: This is, uh, especially sad, though. Emily Prentiss: All right, very funny, you guys. Very funny. Emily Prentiss: What'd you do to it? Penelope Garcia: Do? Emily Prentiss: You obviously aletered it in photoshop or something. Emily Prentiss: That hair? Penelope Garcia: Oh, no, Pussycat. That - that's all you. Garfield High, Class of '89. Emily Prentiss: [looking at the photo again] You really didn't change anything? Penelope Garcia: I hacked it, as is. You're seriously trying to tell me you don't remember rocking that look? Dr. Spencer Reid: Perhaps your lack of recognition stems from a dissociative fugue suffered in adolescence. Say, at a Siouxsie and the Banshees concert? Penelope Garcia: [laughs]
	Season 3 / Episode 16: - Elephant's Memory Penelope Garcia: [quickly to Hotch via webcam] The kid is tech savvy sir, but fret not. I am tech savvier. Is that a word? That sounds like a word. If it is a word, I am it. Emily Prentiss: D.C. time, Garcia. Penelope Garcia: [looks at the clock] 11:17 a.m. Emily Prentiss: D.C. - decaf. Penelope Garcia: Oh, right.
	Season 3 / Episode 14: - Damaged Penelope Garcia: [mortified that Kevin will talk with Rossi about their relationship] If you get within a hundred feet of Agent Rossi, I will unleash an unrecoverable virus onto your personal computer system that will reduce your electronic world into something between a Commodore 64, and a block of government cheese.
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Penelope Penelope Garcia: When I was in the ambulance I could hear the song "Heroes" playing in my head. I kept flashing in and out of consciousness, everything was really bright and I remember thinking, "Wait, is David Bowie really God?"
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Penelope Derek Morgan: Hey silly girl. I love you, you know that, right? Penelope Garcia: I love you too.
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Penelope Derek Morgan: Take this gun. Penelope Garcia: I don't believe in guns. Derek Morgan: Ok, trust me they are very real take it.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - In Birth and Death Penelope Garcia: [answering call, unaware she's talking to Hotchner's boss] Talk dirty to me.
	Season 3 / Episode 2: - In Birth and Death Derek Morgan: Garcia, baby girl, please tell me something I wanna hear. Penelope Garcia: You're a statuesque god of sculpted chocolate thunder. Derek Morgan: How about something I don't already know. Penelope Garcia: I have a sweet tooth?
	Season 2 / Episode 17: - Distress Penelope Garcia: Are you lonely in the Lone Star State? And are you wearing chaps? Derek Morgan: [laughing] Only in your dreams, Garcia. Penelope Garcia: [laughing] Oh, not necessarily. I have Photoshop.
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Aftermath Derek Morgan: Tell me something I want to hear. Penelope Garcia: You're a sculptious god of chocolate thunder Derek Morgan: OK, tell me something I don't already know. Penelope Garcia: I have a sweet tooth?
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Psychodrama Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Good, cause I want every physical dimension on the UnSub, height, waist size, in seam. Everything that you can give me. Penelope Garcia: Honey, if he opens his mouth I'll give you the length of his teeth. Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Just keep it clean, and don't call me honey.
	Season 2 / Episode 4: - Psychodrama Derek Morgan: [answering phone] Yeah Penelope Garcia: Um pals, don't be ticked, but I think I may have missed the sort of glaringly obvious here. How would you make yourself taller, without being a different person entirely or having some weird sort of chinese surgery? Elle Greenaway: Heels Penelope Garcia: Right sunshine, but we'd have seen heels. Unless the UnSub had them hidden inside his shoe, the point is lifts. Derek Morgan: Lifts? Penelope Garcia: Lifts. All hidden up inside his boot, with a little fancy footwork, pun emphatically intended, Garcia here managed to dig 'em out. Derek Morgan: Thanks girl.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - Blood Hungry Penelope Garcia: It seems like Eddie's entire college experience was some sort of post-addolescent rebellion... He partied like an '80s clubber. He suffered a delusional break due to meth amphetamine and rock cocaine consumption. Aaron "Hotch" Hotchner: Wow, that is partying like an '80s clubber.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Natural Born Killer Derek Morgan: Please tell me you brought some breakfast. Penelope Garcia: Trust me, sugar. You're not going to want to eat when you see what's in here.
	Season 1 / Episode 7: - The Fox Dr. Spencer Reid: Are you hacking into the government HMO database? Is that legal? Penelope Garcia: Of course not. We'll both go to prison and you'll be someones bitch. Dr. Spencer Reid: Really?
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - L.D.S.K. Derek Morgan: Yeah, Morgan. Penelope Garcia: Isn't this spooky? Derek Morgan: Isn't what spooky? Penelope Garcia: That right now you were thinking about me, and out of the blue your phone rings? And it's me. Huh? How's that for a spiritual connection? Derek Morgan: Umm... Do I know you? Penelope Garcia: Why do you hurt me?
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Won't Get Fooled Again Derek Morgan: My bomb fragments, let's start putting this bad boy together. Penelope Garcia: Why bother, don't you just dust for prints and...stuff? Derek Morgan: Garcia, what are you doing in the FBI? Penelope Garcia: I didn't get into medical school.

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