Coupling (UK) Quotes

Coupling (UK)

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Nine and a Half Months Susan: [hunched over the hospital bed, in labor] Steve...! Steve: [standing at the door, scared] Yes darling? Susan: [camera zooms in to her face] Get me a FUCKING EPIDURAL!
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Nine and a Half Months Steve: [re: Why he still has Jane's key] I've never been able to give it back, she get's too emotional. Last time she bit my face!
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Nine and a Half Months Midwife: [to orderly] It's okay, don't call security. He just asked his girlfriend a little question. Steve: Yeah, I also asked her if I could ask it two more times. Midwife: She said, "You can't." Steve: Yeah, trust me, the word wasn't "can't".
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Nine and a Half Months Sally: Unlock the cupboard. Patrick: I can't. Soon as I heard you coming I locked the cupboard and threw the key out the window. Sally: The cupboard is generally kept locked, isn't it? Patrick: At all times. Maximum security. If that door is shut, that cupboard is locked. Sally: And what did you do to the cupboard when you heard me coming in? Patrick: [pause] I... locked it. Sally: [opens cupboard door]
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Nine and a Half Months Patrick: I'm trying to think on my feet. Sally: I know. It's like watching a whale knit.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Nine and a Half Months Steve: So I shaded his eyes. And then... and then he looked at me. And oh my goodness me. I became someone else entirely.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Nine and a Half Months Susan: Fingers and toes, count them. Steve: Yeah, he's fine. It all looks pretty average. No eyes, though.
	Season 4 / Episode 6: - Nine and a Half Months Patrick: I never make more than one sex tape of a woman. I am not a pervert.
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Circus of the Epidurals Susan: The pain of childbirth is part of being a woman. Steve: Yes, but it's the part we can fix!
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Circus of the Epidurals Steve: There's going to be pain... Susan: Yes. Steve: Pain for which relief will be offered... Susan: Yes. Steve: But which, apparently, you won't want... Susan: Yes. Steve: This is not an intelligence test that anyone should fail!
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Circus of the Epidurals Jill: Well, you seem healthy. So much for voodoo...
	Season 4 / Episode 4: - Circus of the Epidurals Oliver Morris: [sarcastically] Where is he then? What's the problem? Shy, is he? Afraid? Ashamed? Really, really ugly? Tamsin: [angrily] Dead! Oliver Morris: [contritely] Dead if fact. He's dead. That's where Tamsin's boyfriend is. Dead. That's the whole story. Move along now, nothing to see here. She probably wants to deal with in on her own. Tamsin: Oh, for God's sake! [runs off] Oliver Morris: [to others in class] Okay, everyone, we're not doing the laughing now. That's a no on the laghing. Laughing is canceled because of the whole death aspect. Tamsin: [returning] Oliver, he's not really dead. I just wanted you to make a prat of yourself. Oliver Morris: Ohay, he's not dead now, and I'm just making a prat of myself. Steve: Well, maybe you want to try not do that. Oliver Morris: Sorry. Can't stop. On a roll.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - Bed Time Oliver Morris: Shit! Jane: Hello, Oliver. Oliver Morris: Hello, Jane. Jane: Well, you found the place all right, then. Oliver Morris: [trying to sound macho] Yeah. No problem. Cool. Jane: Oliver. Oliver Morris: Yes, Jane? Jane: Is there something you want to tell me? Oliver Morris: I have miniature erections.
	Season 4 / Episode 3: - Bed Time Sally: My love is not enough for your lordship. Patrick: Not enough, I'm lucky it's still attached.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Nine and a Half Minutes Patrick: [after announcing travel plans four minutes in advance] I was putting off telling you Sally: And? Patrick: I was successful.
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Nine and a Half Minutes Susan: Can we please talk about this pregnancy without bringing up John Hurt? Steve: No man can do that!
	Season 4 / Episode 1: - Nine and a Half Minutes Steve: [on the phone to Jeff] Oh Jeffrey, did you ever pick the wrong week to leave!
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps Steve: [about the Fertility Clinic's cubicle] It's this place. It's too wholesome. Look, it's wrong for masturbation. Masturbation is supposed to be a bad thing. It's a stealth activity. You do it on your own, in secret, and you lie about it afterwards. You feel guilt! It's one of the last forms of entirely safe guilt left available to a man. I mean, look at this place! Look what the mad fools have done: it's an office suite for masturbation. There's a receptionist. There are no receptionists in masturbation. Do you realize what I'm supposed to do here? Do you understand the insanity of it? I am being asked to masturbate in a good cause. No. Susan, I implore you. I implore all women everywhere on behalf of all men. Do not take the wrongness of masturbation from us.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps Jane: I'm not pregnant! It's a miracle! I shagged and shagged and shagged and all the little bastards missed!
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps Sally: I don't want Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Fantasticness, you stupid, stupid ass. I want you. Patrick: Oh, for God's sake, Sally. Sally: What? WHAT? Patrick: I was talking about me! Sally: I'm sor-You're Mr. Superbly, Incredibly Whatever? Patrick: [gesturing to self] Well, yes!
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps Patrick: Sally, you need someone good enough for you. You don't want some mutton-headed city boy who spends all his time thinking about his cars and his golf clubs. You want somebody who can love you the way you deserve to be loved; the way I want you to be loved. Sally, you need someone who will love you forever, properly. You're my friend, Sally. I want to see you with the best. You need Mr. Amazing, Mr. Incredibly-Superbly-Fantastic-Ness. In your heart, I'm sure you know I'm right. Sally: I don't want Mr. Superbly-Incredibly Fantasticness- you stupid, stupid Ass. I want you. Patrick: For God sakes, Sally. Sally: What... What? Patrick: I was talking about me!
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps Jane: I've shagged and shagged and shagged, and all the little bastards missed!
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps Susan: Patrick, you didn't think you would get to have sex with one of the nurses, did you? Patrick: I did. Susan: Patrick, you really are a sad, pathetic man. Steve: No, Susan. He did.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps Susan: [after announcing her pregnancy] Time's up, Steve. I think it's time for someone else to be a child.
	Season 3 / Episode 7: - Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps Jane: I'm not pregnant! I have shagged and shagged and shagged and all the little bastards missed!
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Girl With One Heart Susan: Men and toilets, the love that dare not speak its name. What's that about? Steve: [slams hand down] We are men! Throughout history, we have always needed, in times of difficulty, to retreat to our caves. It so happens that in this modern age, our caves are fully plumbed. The toilet is, for us, the last bastion, the final refuge, the last few square feet of man-space left to us! Somewhere to sit, something to read, something to do, and who gives a damn about the smell? Because that, for us, is happiness. Because we are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own magazines fill of pictures of celebrities with all their clothes on. When we have conversations, we actually take it in turns to talk! But we have not yet reached that level of earth-shattering boredom and inhuman despair that we would have a haircut recreationally. We don't know how to get excited about... really, really boring things, like ornaments, bath oil, the countryside, vases, small churches. I mean, we do not even know what, what in the name of God's ass is the purpose of pot-pourri! Looks like breakfast, smells like your auntie! Why do we need that? So please, in this strange and frightening world, allow us one last place to call our own. This toilet, this blessed pot, this... fortress of solitude. You girls, you may go to the bathroom in groups of two or more. Yet we do not pass comment. We do not make judgment. That is your choice. But we men will always walk the toilet mile... alone. Susan: Would you like me to put the lock back on the toilet door, dear? Steve: Would you mind? Susan: You should have asked.
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Girl With One Heart Jane: He moved in across the street about a month ago. Gorgeous! Susan: How gorgeous? Sally: Knitting pattern? Jane: Better than knitting pattern. Sally: Shaving advert? Jane: Gay porn! Sally: Wow! Susan: Results!
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Girl With One Heart Jeff: Serious problem, Steve. Top of the range problem. Problem number one. Steve: Number one? Jeff: This is like Captain Problem. This is like "Houston, forget that other thing".
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Girl With One Heart Steve: Jeff, is there some way we could fit you with an off-switch?
	Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Freckle, The Key And The Couple Who Weren't Jeff: [Jeff is wearing a leather mask] We were just spending a quiet evening in front of the television. In the course of events I swallowed some of her jewelry. Steve: You what? Jeff: There was a swallowage incident. I swallowed an item. Steve: Right? Jeff: Now normally when I swallow some of Julia's jewelry... Steve: No, no, Jeff please. Normally... has never been used in the sentence before Jeff: Well, you know what it's like when you've got your own actual real-life girlfriend. It's like you got a woman with a nudity switch. Sometimes when she's laying there and she's just so, so totally naked, I can't control myself. I just sort of hoover. Steve: OK. Jeff: Obviously now and then in the course of any nudity hovering, you're gonna ingest an item. Now normally, I remain calm, let nature take it's course, and in due time slip the relevant item back into her jewelry box. Steve: I see.

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