Comedy Central Presents Quotes

Comedy Central Presents

- Episode Quotes

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Comedy Central Presents Quotes

	Season 12 / Episode 1: - Stephen Lynch (2) Stephen Lynch: Shut the fuck up!
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - Mike Birbiglia Mike Birbiglia: It was a hard name having growing up as a child. Some kids would call me names like "Birbiglebug" and "Birbibliography" and "Faggot". Some were more clever than others.
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - Mike Birbiglia Mike Birbiglia: I was an altar boy as a kid. And the answer is no.
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - Mike Birbiglia Mike Birbiglia: I wanted to be a rapper. But rap was very innocent back then. It was all like "Rippity-rap-rap-rap-tastic!" It's gotten so arbitrarily aggressive now, they'll be like, "It's 2005, motherfucker!" And I'm like, "Really? You're mad about the date? You gotta pick your battles, man, because no one's gonna believe you when you're mad about real stuff." [as a rapper] "You crashed into my car, motherfucker!" [as himself] "Yeah, well, you were mad that it was 2005. You're like the boy who cried 'motherfucker'!"
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - Mike Birbiglia Mike Birbiglia: I'm a whitebread cracker. That's my favorite white person slur: "whitebread". The other day, someone came up to me and said, "What's up, whitebread?" And I was like, "That's not even an insult. That's just my race plus a food. I can do that, too, black bean soup! Stay out of this, Asian chicken platter!"
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - Mike Birbiglia Mike Birbiglia: I'm not very good at drinking either. I just become another person when I drink. One time, I went out drinking and I met this girl and she gave me her number and I didn't want to call her back because I don't think she fell in love with me. I think she fell in love with Two Drink Mike. You know, Two Drink Mike loves dancing and knows a magic trick. Zero Drink Mike enjoys biographies and has serious opinions about wildlife. And Five Drink Mike enjoys dancing with wildlife.
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - Mike Birbiglia Mike Birbiglia: I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
	Season 10 / Episode 6: - Mike Birbiglia Mike Birbiglia: I just love doing that voice: "Me and my cracker friends..." That's like my white guy doing a black guy doing a white guy voice, because all these black comics have that one white guy voice like "This is ridiculous!" like we all sound like British detectives. I don't know anyone who does talk like that. I feel bad for the one guy on Earth who does and he's watching all these black comics on TV and he's like, "This is preposterous! That doesn't sound like me at all! Wait'll I get my hands on that black fellow but first I'm gonna dance!"
	Season 9 / Episode 3: - Jimmy Carr Jimmy Carr: If we're all god's children, what's so special about Jesus?
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees... ' 'Trust me.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.' [Ladies, that's not true]
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'
	Season 8 / Episode 14: - Demetri Martin Demetri Martin: Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

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