Boston Legal Quotes

Boston Legal

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Juiced Carl Sack: [Arguing, in court, about television age-ism] You know, the only show unafraid to have its stars over 50 is "Bo..."... Carl Sack: Gee, I can't say it. [ - gesturing toward the cameras and the audience - ] It would, um, break the wall.
	Season 5 / Episode 11: - Juiced Denny Crane: [Discussing their upcoming case - and the series finale] Hey, maybe I'll retire after this. Alan Shore: Don't be ridiculous... Denny Crane: Well, what better way to go out? My last case - in front of the Supreme Court. Now there's a finale, Alan. Alan Shore: They should put it on TV. Denny Crane: We'd get ratings. Alan Shore: If they promoted us. Of course, I think there's a law against promoting us. Denny Crane: Seems to be. Alan Shore: [Later in scene] Oh, won't they be so happy to see us again? Denny Crane: The rematch. Alan Shore: [laughs] The rematch. Denny Crane: Grand finale. Alan Shore: Special 9:00 start time.
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Kill, Baby, Kill ! Alan Shore: People forgo newspapers for the Internet, where instead of relying on credentialed journalists, they turn to these bloggers... sort of entry-level life-forms, that intellectually have yet to emerge from the primordial ooze...
	Season 5 / Episode 9: - Kill, Baby, Kill ! Denny Crane: [On being allowed to attend a trial in Virginia] Carl, Virginia's a swing state; I've always wanted to swing. Carl Sack: Denny... Denny Crane: Carl, we need to bond. Hell man, this is our last season.
	Season 4 / Episode 20: - Patriot Acts Alan Shore: [Denny and Carl enter the courtroom] You must be joking A.A.G. Norman Wood: Commonwealth has waived conflict Judge Clark Brown: Wait a sec. The same firm for both sides? Denny Crane: Saves on guest casting
	Season 4 / Episode 18: - Indecent Proposals Wolfgang Blitzkrieg: Wolfgang Blitzkrieg, with the best political news team in television...
	Season 4 / Episode 18: - Indecent Proposals Alan Shore: I'm sorry, Denny. Denny Crane: No you're not. You're relieved. Alan Shore: Well, I'm that, too. But if you truly loved her then I am sorry. Denny Crane: ... Alan Shore: Denny? Denny Crane: There's no need to be sorry, Alan. Love, even when it's fleeting, even if it's for a day or two...it's everything. Don't you agree? Alan Shore: I do. I actually think it's why I'm still single. Every morning I get to wake up and I get to wonder: "Will this be the day?" Every night when I lay my head on my pillow I wonder: "Will I meet her tomorrow?" I imagine what she'll look like, her smile, the way she does her hair, how she laughs, the contour of her breasts, neck... The promise of love can be everything. It's a magic you really find in marriage if you luck out. Denny Crane: Do you believe married people can stay in love? Alan Shore: Oh, I believe thy can know even more profound joys be it with children, the depth of the relationship itself can evolve into something they can't possibly live without. And yet, it's something that doesn't quite so resemble love. It's not the romance of love. Denny Crane: I never knew you to be such a romantic. Alan Shore: My problem is I'm too romantic. No woman can possibly live up to the promise of tomorrow that love holds for me. Denny Crane: What about me? Alan Shore: That not the same. You know one thing I do love about you? Denny Crane: Tell me! Alan Shore: While many people embrace the promise of tomorrow, too few celebrate the joy of now. And nobody does that like Denny Crane. Denny Crane: Let me tell you something. When you got polar ice caps melting and breaking off into big chunks and you got Osama still hiding in a cave, planning his next attack, when you got other rogue nations with nuclear arsenals, and not to mention some wack-job, home-grown that can cancel you at any second and when you got...mad cow, now gets high priority. And when you're still on the balcony on a clear night, sipping scotch with your best friend, now is everything. Alan Shore: Here's to that. Denny Crane: Here's to now.
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Mighty Rogues Alan Shore: My, uh, best friend has Alzheimer's, in the, uh, very early stages, it hasn't... He is a grand lover of life, and will be for some time. I believe even when his mind starts to really go, he'll still fish he'll laugh and love, and as it progresses he'll still want to live because there will be value for him, in a friendship, in a cigar... The truth is I don't think he will ever come to me and say, this is the day I want to die, but the day is coming and he won't know it... This is perhaps the, the most insidious thing about Alzheimer's... but you see he trusts me to know when that day has arrive, he trusts me... to safe guard his dignity, his legacy, and self respect. He trusts me to prevent his end from becoming a mindless piece of mush and I will. It will be an unbearably painful... thing for me, but I will do it, because I love him. I will end his suffering, because it is the only decent humane and loving thing a person can do.
	Season 4 / Episode 16: - The Mighty Rogues Jerry Espenson: During the strike I fell in love... Katie Lloyd: What strike? Jerry Espenson: It doesn't matter...
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Tabloid Nation Denny Crane: Denny Crane, Reasonable Doubt for a reasonable fee.
	Season 4 / Episode 15: - Tabloid Nation Denny Crane: Que seran, seran. Alan Shore: Sera. Denny Crane: Really? I thought it was seran. Alan Shore: No. Sera. Denny Crane: What's seran? Alan Shore: It's a wrap - keeps sandwiches fresh.
	Season 4 / Episode 8: - Oral Contracts Alan Shore: We're actually sitting in a court room, wasting tax dollars, because my client had gas. He was constipated, he went to remedy his problem, in a bathroom, imagine that, where low and behold, three undercover police officers were lurking, waiting, to interpret a tapping foot as a call for gay sex. Now, maybe Larry Craig deserved his fate, thrown in front of the very bus he helped to build, but Denny Crane doesn't deserve this, all he was trying to do was take a crap.
	Season 4 / Episode 2: - The Innocent Man Denny Crane: I didn't proposition her. I merely asked her to sleep with me.
	Season 3 / Episode 24: - Trial of the Century Denny Crane: I once captained my own spaceship!
	Season 3 / Episode 24: - Trial of the Century Judge Phyllis Tamber: I will not let you turn this proceeding into a joke. Alan Shore: But, Your Honor, Denny and I are a comedy team! [italicize team if possible]
	Season 3 / Episode 24: - Trial of the Century Denny Crane: Do you know who I am? Judge Phyllis Tamber: Yes, I do. You used to be Denny Crane.
	Season 3 / Episode 24: - Trial of the Century Alan Shore: Could I have a second alone, Denny? Denny Crane: With me? Alan Shore: With the judge.
	Season 3 / Episode 24: - Trial of the Century Denny Crane: To next season, my friend. Alan Shore: I can't wait to see what we do next! Denny Crane: I'm just getting started! Alan Shore: Denny Crane. Denny Crane: Alan Shore. Alan Shore: Flamingos.
	Season 3 / Episode 23: - Duck And Cover Jerry 'Hands' Espenson: I've handled multinational corporate bankruptcies, high-profile murder cases, and defended manufacturing giants against product liability charges. Shirley Schmidt: Yes? Jerry 'Hands' Espenson: And you assign me the duck lady! Shirley Schmidt: Is she just sitting alone in your office? Jerry 'Hands' Espenson: She has the duck! I can only surmise you did this because, one, you're hazing me since I'm the new guy again, or two, you think my Asperger's allows me to relate to anyone colorful, or three, you're having second thoughts about rehiring me. Shirley Schmidt: It's four. I'm a name partner and I don't - underscore - have to explain myself to you. Jerry 'Hands' Espenson: Well, that's a conversation-stopper.
	Season 3 / Episode 22: - Guantanamo By The Bay Denny Crane: She's not good for you, Alan. [referring to Judge Gloria Weldon] Alan Shore: Why not? Denny Crane: She just isn't. A woman knows these things. Trust me. Alan Shore: Denny, you're not a woman. Denny Crane: Whatever!
	Season 3 / Episode 22: - Guantanamo By The Bay Denny Crane: Women! Alan Shore: Can't live with them. Denny Crane: Can't take 'em quail hunting.
	Season 3 / Episode 19: - Brotherly Love Alan Shore: I have nothing further. A.D.A. John Lennox: I have nothing, Judge. Judge Robert Sanders: All right, this would probably be a good time for a... a bowel movement. Uh, uh, lunch, I... I mean lunch. Uh... two o'clock. Alan Shore: Could we say two-thirty and make time for both? Judge Robert Sanders: Silence! I won't stand for your... your... Alan Shore: Poop?
	Season 3 / Episode 18: - Son of the Defender Judge Floyd Hurwitz: Step up here, Counsel. Alan Shore: This is never good when they ask me to step up. Judge Floyd Hurwitz: You think I'm an idiot? Alan Shore: Judge, I cannot be held accountable for what I do with straight lines lobbed right over the plate. Judge Floyd Hurwitz: How would you like to be held in contempt, Mr. Wisenheimer? Alan Shore: Again, Judge, that was a beach ball straight down the middle. Judge Floyd Hurwitz: Two days. Put him in the same cell with his client. They can discuss her wedding plans. Alan Shore: You can't plan a wedding in two days!
	Season 3 / Episode 12: - Nuts Denny Crane: I can't fly. Alan Shore: You're just discovering this?
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Angel of Death Denny Crane: I just heard! New Orleans! My penis is already packed! Alan Shore: Denny, I would love for you to join, but this particular excursion is a rather serious one. Maybe you and I could go another time. Denny Crane: Are you nuts? That damned tornado wiped out half the place. There's no time like the present. Alan, we must seize the hookers - uh, the day. Alan Shore: You know, Denny, technically it wasn't so much a tornado as a hurricane. And you're holding a kazoo. Denny Crane: Not just any kazoo. A trombone kazoo. A go-to-New-Orleans-under-the-pretext-of-some-legal-case-to-play-with-a-Dixie -land-band kazoo. Vanessa Walker: I only have two plane tickets. Denny Crane: Oh, gee, I only have a Gulf Stream. Alan Shore: I think Denny wants to come, Vanessa. Denny Crane: Denny Crane: Down on the Bayou.
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Angel of Death Alan Shore: I tried closing my eyes again... to imagine. I couldn't. Nobody could, I suppose, unless they were there. Denny Crane: I was there. Well, I flew over in my Gulf Stream. Doesn't that count? Alan Shore: To some.
	Season 3 / Episode 10: - The Nutcrackers Denny Crane: [Staring at the cross-dressed man sitting on the other side of Alan's desk] Is that a guy? Alan Shore: [Smiles] Don't be silly. Denny Crane: Seriously, I think that's a guy!
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Verdict Jeffery Coho: So if you could get your son treatment, and avenge her at the same time... Michael Schiller: This isn't about vengeance, you disgusting cockroach! Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Schiller! Lincoln Meyer: That's what you get, Mr Dirty Mouth, Mr Lawyer Man Dirty Pants! Judge Harvey Cooper: Mr Meyer sit down or I will have you removed!
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Verdict Denny Crane: Wanna pull my scrotum? Alan Shore: Maybe later. [Both simultaneously puff their cigars]
	Season 2 / Episode 27: - BL: Los Angeles Shirley Schmidt: Denny! You're back. Denny Crane: I am? I am. And I'm all here. Shirley Schmidt: Congratulations on your big victory, it's all over the news. Married? Denny Crane: No. Shirley Schmidt: You tried. Denny Crane: I did.

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