Shirley Schmidt

Boston Legal

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Played by:

Candice Bergen
One cool, eternally classy lady, Candice Bergen was elegantly poised for trendy "ice princess" stardom ...

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Shirley Schmidt Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 23: - Duck And Cover Jerry 'Hands' Espenson: I've handled multinational corporate bankruptcies, high-profile murder cases, and defended manufacturing giants against product liability charges. Shirley Schmidt: Yes? Jerry 'Hands' Espenson: And you assign me the duck lady! Shirley Schmidt: Is she just sitting alone in your office? Jerry 'Hands' Espenson: She has the duck! I can only surmise you did this because, one, you're hazing me since I'm the new guy again, or two, you think my Asperger's allows me to relate to anyone colorful, or three, you're having second thoughts about rehiring me. Shirley Schmidt: It's four. I'm a name partner and I don't - underscore - have to explain myself to you. Jerry 'Hands' Espenson: Well, that's a conversation-stopper.
	Season 2 / Episode 27: - BL: Los Angeles Shirley Schmidt: Denny! You're back. Denny Crane: I am? I am. And I'm all here. Shirley Schmidt: Congratulations on your big victory, it's all over the news. Married? Denny Crane: No. Shirley Schmidt: You tried. Denny Crane: I did.
	Season 2 / Episode 27: - BL: Los Angeles Denny Crane: Shirley. This is a sweeps episode. Shirley Schmidt: I'm not kissing you. Denny Crane: Shirley! I'm in my seventies. I'm still a physical specimen, but you never know. What if I drop dead one day? You never got that last tonsil brushing. Shirley Schmidt: You always present the most ethically challenging what-ifers.
	Season 2 / Episode 22: - Ivan the Incorrigible Ivan Tiggs: I brought wine, cheese, and condoms. I thought we'd picnic. Shirley Schmidt: Missy came to my office today. Ivan Tiggs: Ah! So just the wine and cheese.
	Season 2 / Episode 22: - Ivan the Incorrigible Shirley Schmidt: Ivan, always good doing business with you. Ivan Tiggs: Yes, it is.
	Season 2 / Episode 22: - Ivan the Incorrigible Denny Crane: Nothing worse than having your heart crushed and your pride stung all on the same day. Shirley Schmidt: My God, we have the fastest water cooler in town. I feel like such a fool. Denny Crane: Ah, forget it. If anyone knows about being a fool it's Denny Crane.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Legal Deficits Father Michael Ryan: And suddenly he's swinging the axe. I put my hand out and he chopped it. He cut three of my fingers right off. They just fell to the floor. A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg: And then what happened, sir? Father Michael Ryan: Well, I was rushed to the hospital. Two of my fingers were recovered and re-attached. And then his colleague, that woman, came in brandishing my third finger. She wouldn't give it back unless I revealed privileged information about one of my parishioners. He cut it off and she extorted me with it. Shirley Schmidt: My first question would be... if someone is swinging an axe, why stick your hand out? Father Michael Ryan: I didn't think he'd actually try to... Shirley Schmidt: And to be clear, when you speak of your parishioner, you refer to the man charged with kidnapping the child. Father Michael Ryan: Well, yes. Shirley Schmidt: And also to be clear... you knew your parishioner was a pedophile. Father Michael Ryan: I am not going to reveal privileged information to you, just like I wouldn't to him. Shirley Schmidt: But you did reveal information to Miss Bauer. You told her where your parishioner's hideaway was. You'll reveal privileged information to get your fingers back, but not to save the life of a child. A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg: Objection. Judge Clark Brown: Sustained! Shirley Schmidt: As a policy, if a pedophile killer confesses his crime, you'll protect that secret. Father Michael Ryan: I cannot break the confessional seal. It's Canon Law. Shirley Schmidt: Is that stupid? A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg: Objection! Shirley Schmidt: [judge raises hand] I'm sorry. But the laws in this country to protect against child abuse supersede doctor-patient privilege, lawyer-client privilege, but not priest-parishioner privilege? Has the Catholic Church earned some special exemption when it comes to pedophiles? A.D.A. Frank Ginsberg: Objection! Shirley Schmidt: [judge raises hand] Do we trust them more in this area? Father Michael Ryan: That's a cheap shot. Shirley Schmidt: I've been known to take them.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - From Whence We Came Nora Jacobs: This is very awkward. I'm not even sure you're the right person to come to, but you're a woman. Shirley Schmidt: That's very kind.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - Schmidt Happens Denny Crane: Crane comes before Schmidt. Shirley Schmidt: You are referring of course to when we were intimate.
	Season 1 / Episode 11: - Schmidt Happens Shirley Schmidt: [to Alan Shore] Since I'm your boss, I can't return your sexual banter, but I will state for the record that if I were looking for a rattle, he would be younger. He would be better-looking. He would be something other than a self-loathing narcissist with a dwarf fetish and, judging from what I saw in the mirror when I first came in, he would be bigger. Much.
	Unknown Episode: Denny Crane: How can you ban red meat? Dominick Ryan: Well, they've got a whole campaign, they're going to go with it. They plan to promote Summersport as the seafood capital of the world. Denny Crane: We're carnivores. When the pilgrims landed, first thing they did was eat a few Indians. Dominick Ryan: [Shirley and Dominick stare at him] Is there anything we can do? Shirley Schmidt: We'll get an immediate TRO. Denny Crane: I'll argue it myself. Ban red meat. That cannot pass Constitutional mustard. Shirley Schmidt: The word is "muster", Denny, but you're right, the law lacks condiments.
	Unknown Episode: Shirley Schmidt: He is ultimately a benign man who we all happen to care about, including you. I think what you really mean to do is voice your concern unofficially. Lori Colson: I'm making an official complaint. If there's forms to be filled out please have them sent to my office. Shirley Schmidt: You little bitch.
	Unknown Episode: Alan Shore: Shirley? What about senior partners? There would be nothing wrong with me, lusting, say, after... you? Would there? Shirley Schmidt: Go subscribe to National Geographic. Make a list of the places you'll never get to visit. Add to that list, Schmidt.
	Unknown Episode: Denny Crane: You left me, Shirley. Women don't leave Denny Crane. And for a secretary! Shirley Schmidt: It was the Secretary of Defense.
	Unknown Episode: Shirley Schmidt: Do not make yourself the story. The jury needs to be focused on him. Denny Crane: [incredulous] Did you just say don't make me the story?

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