Blackadder (UK) Quotes

Blackadder (UK)

- Episode Quotes

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Blackadder (UK) Quotes

	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal Prince Edmund: Percy, you are dismissed from my services. Percy: Me? why? Prince Edmund: Because Percy, far from being a fit consort for a prince of the realm, you would bore the leggings off a village idiot. You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly. And the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be. If you put on a floppy hat and a furry cod-piece, you might just get by as a fool, but since you wouldn't know a joke if it got up and gave you a haircut, I doubt it. THAT is why you are dismissed. Percy: Oh, I see. Prince Edmund: And as for you, Baldrick... Baldrick: My Lord? Prince Edmund: You're out too.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal Prince Edmund: You ride a horse rather less well than another horse would. Your brain would make a grain of sand look large and ungainly and the part of you that can't be mentioned, I am reliably informed by women around the Court, wouldn't be worth mentioning even if it could be.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal Prince Edmund: Dear Lord, who made the birds and the bees... and the snails, presumably, erm, please help me, a little animal too, in my despair. I have bee a sinner, but now I intend to follow the path of the saints: particularly the very religious ones.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal Prince Edmund: Tomorrow I shall prove that I am a man. Percy: Well, you are a man. Prince Edmund: But how shall it be proved, Percy? Percy: Well, they could always look up that tree in Rutland.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal Prince Edmund: [weakly] Harry... what are my chances? Harry: Oh, very good. The Queen: He will live? Harry: Living? Oh, I thought you meant of going to heaven. Prince Edmund: [weakly] Damn.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal Prince Edmund: Don't be absurd. Such activities are totally beyond my mother. My father only got anywhere with her because he told her it was a cure for diarrhoea.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal Prince Edmund: Let us then go on to the plan. Others: The plan, the plan... Friar Bellows: But first a motto for our enterprise. "Blessed are the meek, for they shall be slaughtered" Prince Edmund: Wait you've forgotten the plan. Three Fingered Pete: I thought that was the plan. Sean, the Irish Bastard: Let's get those meek bastards, now!
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal Guy of Glastonbury: Sorry, did I say, "Your money or your life"? I meant, "Your money AND your life." [Calmly brings out a crossbow and shoots traveler]
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal King Richard IV: May he live as long as our dynasty!
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal King Richard IV: Chiswick, fresh horses! We ride at once to rebellious Stoke, where it is my sworn intent to approach the city walls, bare my broad buttocks, and shout, "Behold! I honor thee most highly!"
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Black Seal Prince Edmund: Look, this may seem a stupid question ... Mad Gerald: Question, yes? Prince Edmund: ...but you wouldn't know if there's a way out of here, would you? Mad Gerald: A way out? Ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha ... Mad Gerald: ...ha ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha ha! "A way out," you say? I haven't heard those words, "a way out," for... ooh ... Prince Edmund: Twenty years? Mad Gerald: Yes, twenty years! Not like "Mr. Rat." I'm always saying, "Mr. Rat." Prince Edmund: Who? Mad Gerald: Mr. Rat! I say, "Good morning, Mr. Rat, how are you today?" And he'll say Mad Gerald: "meep meep." Mad Gerald: Ah ha ha ha ha! Ah ha ha ha ha ... Mad Gerald: No, you mustn't be rude about Mr. Rat - he's my friend. Well, there's him, and there's Mr. Key. Prince Edmund: What? Mad Gerald: Mr. Key. I made him from my own teeth. Good morning, Mr. Key!
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Witchsmeller Pursuivant Prince Edmund: [to the Witchsmeller Pursuivant] I've been hearing about your work in Taunton. Imagine that - every single person having an affair with the same duck.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Witchsmeller Pursuivant Prince Edmund: Does anybody know what happened? Peasant: [Raising his hand] No. I don't.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Witchsmeller Pursuivant Percy: Only this morning in the courtyard I saw a horse with two heads and two bodies. Prince Edmund: Two horses standing next to each other? Percy: Yes. It could be.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Witchsmeller Pursuivant The Witchsmeller Pursuivant: Have you or have you not, committed sins of the flesh with him? Old woman in court: I have. Prince Edmund: You must be joking! Old woman in court: To my deepest shame. Prince Edmund: And mine. I mean look at her!
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Witchsmeller Pursuivant The Witchsmeller Pursuivant: [Edmund is on trial, accused of being a witch] And Prince Edmund, I believe you have a pussy cat? Prince Edmund: That's right, yes. The Witchsmeller Pursuivant: Awww. Its name is Bubbles? Prince Edmund: Yes, that's the one. The Witchsmeller Pursuivant: Or to give it its full name, [shouts] Beelzebubbles!
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Witchsmeller Pursuivant Prince Edmund: [after the Witchsmeller Pursuivant has accused him of being a witch] You're just an old quack! The Witchsmeller Pursuivant: What did you call me? Prince Edmund: Quack! Quack! Quack! [the crowd reacts in shock] The Witchsmeller Pursuivant: [to Prince Harry] My Lord, you see how the duck still possesses him.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard Baldrick: My Lord... Prince Edmund: What? Baldrick: I also have a plan. Prince Edmund: Yes? Baldrick: Why not make her think you prefer the company of men? Prince Edmund: But I do, Baldrick, I do! Baldrick: No, no, My Lord. I mean, erm, the, er, intimate company of men...? Prince Edmund: You don't mean... like the Earle of Doncaster...? Baldrick: I mean just like the Earle of Doncaster. Prince Edmund: That great radish? That steaming great left-footer? The Earle of Doncaster, Baldrick, has been riding side-saddle since he was seventeen. Baldrick: Mm! And who would want to marry the Earle of Doncaster? Prince Edmund: Well, no-one wou - [realises] Brilliant! Of course! No-one would marry the Earle of Doncaster!... except, perhaps, the Duke of Beaufort.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard King Richard IV: [laughs] Ah, Harry, the gentle art of diplomacy! But you well know where the real secret of diplomacy lies, don't you, my boy... Harry, Prince of Wales: Well, actually, I don't, Father, but I would like to know. King Richard IV: [points to Harry's groin] There. Harry, Prince of Wales: [lifts his robes] Are you sure? I can't imagine anything of any real interest down there. King Richard IV: Let me explain. What's that for? Harry, Prince of Wales: Well, a couple of things... King Richard IV: Correct, and one of those things is...? Harry, Prince of Wales: Best not mentioned, really. King Richard IV: Right! And the other is fornication!
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard Prince Edmund: So let me get this straight. You're saying that something which you have never seen is slightly less blue than something else which you have never seen?
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard King Richard IV: Chiswick. Give this to the Queen of Naples. Lord Chiswick: What is it my Lord? King Richard IV: The King of Naples.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard Prince Edmund: As my tutor, old bubble face, used to say: "make love and be merry, for tomorrow you may catch some disgusting skin disease."
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard Prince Edmund: My God! In twenty four hours I'll be married to a walrus!
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard Infanta Maria Escalosa of Spain: Mi Amor! Mi Amor! The Queen: Look at the two love birds! Prince Edmund: One love bird and one love elephant.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard King Richard IV: Chiswick, remind me to send flowers to the King of France in sympathy for the of his son. Lord Chiswick: The one you had beheaded, my lord... King Richard IV: Yes, that's the fellow.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard 3rd & 4th Messengers: My Lord, news: the Swiss have invaded France. King Richard IV: Excellent! [to one of his men who is standing in attendance] Wessex, while they're away, take ten thousand troops and pillage Geneva. Lord Chiswick: But the Swiss are our allies, My Lord. King Richard IV: Oh yes... Well, er, get them to dress up as Germans, will you?
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard Archbishop: Do you, Edmund Plantagenet, take Maria... Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter: [interrupting] Usted, Edmund... Archbishop: [shouts at him] Oh, do shut up! Don Speekingleesh, An Interpreter: [in Spanish, to the crowd watching the marriage] !Silencion! [Silence!]
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard Baldrick: [as Edmund and Percy are dressing him up to sneak into the Infanta's room] Please my lord, I beg you to reconsider... Prince Edmund: Baldrick, if there was any other way, you know I'd take it! Baldrick: But I'll die in there! Prince Edmund: Don't worry. We'll give you a hero's funeral, bury you at sea, say you died in combat, with an enemy vessel.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard King Richard IV: [clapping his hands] Where is she? Where is she? Where is Princess Leia? King Richard IV: Ah, good. Good! [to Edmund, who is surprised to see that Princess Leia is a child] Husband, meet your new wife. Princess Leia of Hungary: [very pleased] Hello Edmund. Prince Edmund: [looking displeased] Hello. Princess Leia of Hungary: [suddenly looking displeased] Are we getting married now? Prince Edmund: [slightly happier] Yes. Yes, I believe we are. Princess Leia of Hungary: Come on then. [Princess Leia takes Edmund's hand]
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - The Queen of Spain's Beard Prince Edmund: [reading to Princess Leia] "And so it came to pass that the big bear had to leave all his friends, and go to live in a land far away where the elves and faries would look after him until the day that he died." [Edmund closes the book, Princess Leia yawns] Princess Leia of Hungary: Oh that was lovely Edmund. What a happy story. Princess Leia of Hungary: Isn't it time to put the light out? Prince Edmund: Yes my dear, I think it is. It must be at least... six o' clock.

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