Barney Miller Quotes

Barney Miller

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

	Season 5 / Episode 21: - Identity Mr. Carterman: An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth. And I want his whole body to go to prison. Justice Department Counsel Chester Monahan: But... Mr. Carterman: .. That too!
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Tunnel Wojo: Do you think it's an omen? Yemana: Omen? It's practically an order.
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Tunnel Wojo: It was kinda peaceful. And I think I might've heard these voices. Dietrich: Of course you did; you were lying on the phone lines.
	Season 4 / Episode 10: - Tunnel Yemana: So you don't believe that there is something up there that plans everything for all of us? Dietrich: If you're referring to a single, all-powerful force that's guiding our destinies, then no, I don't. Yemana: Well, it just so happens I don't agree with you. Yemana: Pardon me. Yemana: Twelve Precinct; Yemana speaking. Captain Barney Miller: Unfortunately, Dietrich, not all of us are blessed with your certainties. So, if you don't mind, I'm afraid we'll just have to muddle through it with all our questions and our doubts. Yemana: [Smiling] Thank you. Yemana: Pick-Me-Nick won! I won 400 bucks! Yemana: I guess that settles that!
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Hash Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [eating a brownie] Mooshy mooshy.
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Hash Det. Phil Fish: First time in years I felt this good and it has to be illegal!
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Hash Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [feeling effects of the brownies] You put them in your coffee and they get all mooshy-mooshy!
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Hash Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [feeling the effects of the brownies] Barney, Barney, Barney... was your mother from Killarney?
	Season 3 / Episode 11: - Hash Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: [feeling the effects of the brownies] Hey Barney... let's go down to the beach and shoot some clams!
	Season 3 / Episode 6: - Werewolf Yemana: He really is a werewolf, Barn. Look, he's got hair growing out of his face! Captain Barney Miller: That's a beard. Haven't you ever seen one? Yemana: Not in MY family.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Fish Detective Dietrich: [in deep voice, not unlike Gregory Peck] Go away! Beverly is busy.
	Season 2 / Episode 8: - Discovery Darryl Driscoll: You know, you look exactly like Boris Carlov. Det. Phil Fish: That's because we're both dead.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Hair Gardeno: I just wanna do my job. I don't wanna shave. Barney Miller: What's the matter, you got a skin condition? Gardeno: If necessary. Barney Miller: And the earring? Gardeno: I'm engaged. Barney Miller: You go home, shave, put on a clean shirt, break your engagement, and report back to me. Gardeno: What about my transfer? Barney Miller: What the hell for? They'll just send you to somebody who's not nearly as sweet as I am.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Hair Gardeno: [after Barney asked him to shave off his large beard] Cute, ain't I? Clean cut. Charming. Now when I bust some punk in the street and I say, "Freeze! I'm a police officer", he's gonna look at me and laugh, and say "Ha ha ha, look at that kid". Then he'll pull out a piece and blow my keister off. Barney Miller: Don't be ridiculous. Gardeno: Freeze! I'm a police officer. Yemana: Ha ha ha.
	Season 1 / Episode 10: - The Guest Telephone Repairman: Are you really a cop? Yemana: Yeah, why do you ask? Telephone Repairman: Never seen a Japanese cop before. Yemana: Ever been to Tokyo?
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Ms. Cop Barney Miller: I'll go with you myself. Det. Janice Wentworth: Please, Captain Miller? You're gonna have to let me go some time. Barney Miller: What do you say, Fish? Fish: I'd like to, Barney, but it would kill Bernice if she found out I died in the company of another woman. Elizabeth Miller: Phil, that is just terrible! Fish: Okay, Wentworth, come on. But I'M driving.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Ms. Cop Yemana: [answers phone] 12th Precinct, Sgt. Yemana. Yes, sir. A stolen car? What kind of car, Mr. Ravolli? "Studebaker". Could you describe the car, please? "Black fenders", "Silver doors", "Green hood", "Polka dot seat covers", "Monkey fur dashboard". Maybe it wasn't stolen. Maybe it ran away... Mr. Ravolli?
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Ms. Cop Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: [arresting Mr. Hackman] If you give up the right to remain silent, anything you say will be held against you. And in your case, with the record you got at the phone company, everything you say will probably be held against you.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Stakeout Harry Tannenbaum: You know, the first eight or nine times I was robbed I took it personal. I thought it was a prejudice thing. You know, Tannenbaum. So I put a sign up in the window: "Tannenbaum Means Christmas Tree." You know, like the song. A fellow comes in with a gun, looks at the sign, and says, "Okay, stick up your branches! One move and I'll blow your bulbs off!"
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - Stakeout Harry Tannenbaum: When the temperature gets over 90, the crazies come out of the cracks. Believe me, I know. Det. Stan 'Wojo' Wojciehowicz: Then why don't you buy a gun? Harry Tannenbaum: I made a deal with the mayor. I don't buy guns, and cops don't sell corned beef.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Graft Det. Phil Fish: [complaining about no elevator in the building] I musta been a breach baby. My legs are older than I am.
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Snow Job Capt. Barney Miller: [to Chano] Taking a prisoner to the bathroom is a professional obligation, not a social function! Det. Sgt. Chano Amenguale: I didn't think he could hurt himself in the toilet. Capt. Barney Miller: Look up your statistics! Toilets are very high up in the statistics!
	Season 1 / Episode 3: - Snow Job Det. Ron Harris: [talking on the phone] Hey, Engine Room? Hey, what's the matter with you guys? It's 26 degrees up here. Hey, I wasn't meant for this type of weather, baby. Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Tell him my blood is turning to slush. Det. Ron Harris: [on the phone] Hey, don't give me "energy crisis," man! How would you like it if we quit and left your loved ones unprotected? Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very well put. Det. Ron Harris: [on the phone] Hey, baby, it is cold up here. Det. Ron Harris: [on the first phone] Yeah, well, if we don't get some heat up here, we're gonna start breaking up the furniture and burning it.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Experience Captain Barney Miller: Hello? Hello? Wojo: Hello? Captain Barney Miller: Hello, bomb disposal? Wojo: No, this is Wojciehowitz. Captain Barney Miller: Get off the line. I'm trying to reach Bomb Disposal. Wojo: Who's this? Captain Barney Miller: Barney! Wojo: Oh, hey, Barn, how's it going? Captain Barney Miller: GET OFF THE LINE!
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Experience Captain Barney Miller: [Barney is trying to convince Fish that he's not too old to be a cop anymore] Fish, I think of you as experienced. In an emergency you would be the first one I would call. Fish: You should call me first... I need time to put my teeth in.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Experience Captain Barney Miller: Marty, you keep ripping people off, they're going to put you away for a long time. Now, why don't you cut it out and get an honest job? Marty: Oh, don't give me that. I've had more jobs than you have hair on your head. I even tried to get on the police force. Captain Barney Miller: They turned you down? Marty: Of course they turned me down. It's ridiculous. What's wrong with a gay cop? There are gay robbers.
	Season 1 / Episode 2: - Experience Detective Wilson: [seeing a case, in which the explosive is contained] Hey, who belongs to this case? Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: It ain't mine. Wojo: Fish, maybe. Detective Wilson: Oh, yeah, it must be Fish's. It's too classy for you guys. Det. Sgt. Nick Yemana: Very well put.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Ramon Barney Miller: [Just as he walks in the door, a gun is pointed at his face] I hate starting the day off like this.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Ramon Barney Miller: What's the weather like? Elizabeth Miller: It's brown. Barney Miller: Is it raining? Elizabeth Miller: Something is coming down but it isn't rain. I think it's a new plague. Isn't it nice? Barney Miller: A little brown weather is normal for New York at this time of year. When it gets colder, we can look forward to a tan Christmas.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Ramon Barney Miller: David, there's two and a half million dollars worth of toys in this house; why do you always have to play with the gun?

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