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 | Season 10 / Episode 2: - Reunion Special (2) Judith: Mum! Jean: We're in the kitchen! Judith: [entering] Hello. Why is everyone in here? Jean: 'Cause Penny's out there. Lionel: [entering] There's a lack of moral fibre in this house. Jean: What are you doing here, then? Lionel: Lack of moral fibre. |
| Season 10 / Episode 1: - Reunion Special (1) Jean: And I thought Lionel was the master of insensitivity. |
| Season 10 / Episode 1: - Reunion Special (1) Jean: You really don't like babies, do you? Lionel: Not when they're young, no. Jean: You can't have old babies. Lionel: Yes, you can. They're called grown-ups. |
| Season 9 / Episode 5: - You Must Remember This Lionel: [on the telephone] Absolute nonsense. No, I'm sorry. [pause] No, no, definitely not. Goodbye. Jean: Who was that you were charming? Lionel: Alastair. Wanted me to write another book. Jean: Oh, what a good idea. Lionel: It's a terrible idea! Autobiography, he said. I've already done my autobiography: "My Life in Kenya". Jean: Yes, which was very... very... Lionel: You're struggling, aren't you. Jean: No, I'm not; I'm just searching for the right word. Absorbing. Yes, that's the word. Lionel: Perhaps to the three people who read it. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - What Now? Lionel: Well, in case you've forgotten, Shirley Temple's still asleep up there. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - What Now? Alistair: So, when are you off to the land of the moose and the maple leaf, Harry? Harry: This afternoon. I just came to say goodbye really. Alistair, Judith, Lionel: Ah. Harry: No I didn't. Sandy: Oh! Harry! Judith: Well, well, well. Alistair: Woof, woof, woof. Old Harry, eh? i wonder what got into the guy. Lionel: A bit of backbone, I hope. Judith: Well, not before time. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - What Now? Judith: What is it that you want ironed? Lionel: Nothing. Judith: No, not you. Sandy, what is it that you want ironed? |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - What Now? Harry: I hadn't thought. I've only got one ticket! Sandy: Harry! Jean: Lionel, what do we do? Lionel: Well, there's always standby, I suppose. Perhaps... Alistair: [on his mobile] Hello? Gary Pearson please. Well, yes, I'm sure he is. Just say the word Xanadu to him. [pause] Alistair: Gary, hi. Alistair Deacon here. Yeah, look, I'm in warp drive. Your 6 o'clock flight to Calgary, fully booked? Mmm. Do I have to say the word Xanadu again? Yeah, two. First class of course. Yeah, well, one's an upgrade and the other, well... She's always been first class. Great, you're a mate, At the desk. OK. So long, cowboy. Alistair: No probs. No no no, no, really. No probs. Harry: Alistair. I never thought I'd say this, but... You're a mate. Alistair: That means one thing to me, Harry. It's hug time. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - What Now? Jean: Have you seen a green folder? Lionel: I suppose I must have at some time in my life. Jean: Oh, that's no help. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - What Now? Lionel: Why not go the whole hog? Why not turn the place into a home for wayward girls and have done with it? Jean: Look, that's turning exaggeration into an art form. In case you've forgotten, we've only got one spare room. Lionel: Which was Judy's. Which is what this is all about, isn't it. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - What Now? Sandy: Will you stop frog marching me about? [Harry kisses her] Oh. Harry: Sandy, I love you and I want you to marry me and come to Canada with me. Sandy: Oh. [shocked] Harry: I don't say enough, you see. I-I mean to but I don't because when I do it generally comes out all wrong anyway. Sandy: Oh. [softly] Harry: [in a rush] When I found out about the attachment to Canada, you were the first person I told. And d'you know what I wanted? I wanted you to say something. I mean, how pathetic is that? Sandy, I'm just a copper. It's not enough to offer someone like you. But I finally realized that that's all I *can* offer... The thought of being that far away without you, the thought of you not being in my life at all. It's not on. It's not on. Sandy, you've got to marry me, and you've got to come to Canada with me, and... Well, that's it, really. Sandy: For somebody who doesn't say enough, you did rather well. Harry: So? Sandy: Harry, we can't get married! Harry: What? Sandy: *Here* I mean. If we're going to Canada this afternoon, then we don't have time, do we? Harry: Oh. Sandy: That is a yes, by the way. Harry: We'll get married in Calgary. Sandy: Oh, I've always wanted to get married in Calgary. Harry: I think I need to sit down. Sandy: Yes, so do I. So, what time do we have to be at Heathrow? Harry: Four. Sandy: Four? Oh! Harry: What are you doing? Sandy: I'm phoning the pub for reinforcements. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - What Now? Lionel: You're bound to miss her at first. Jean: Miss who? Lionel: Your daughter, the one who just got married. Jean: I was just seeing what she'd left behind, that's all. Lionel: Yes, and I was thinking of taking up kickboxing. |
| Season 9 / Episode 4: - What Now? Lionel: In the meantime, I'm going to enjoy some of this peace and quiet. Good night. Jean: Good night. I think I'll read for a little. Lionel: Oh, and if I start to wither away during the night, give me a shake. [he starts chuckling] Jean: What? Lionel: Nothing. Just thinking about the two of us blundering about in the Andes. The Andes! Jean: Yes. Silly. [she starts reading her brochure, "Trekking in the Andes"] |
| Season 9 / Episode 3: - The World Will Always Welcome Lovers . . a.k.a The Wedding Jean: [the telephone is ringing] Telephone! Telephone! Lionel: I'm answering it! Jean: [she runs in, shoving Lionel aside] Oh, get out my way. Hello. Who? Oh yes, how are you? What! Well, you'd better tell Alistair. Oh, oh no, of course you can't; right. Well, no, yeah, c'est la vie all right, yes. Well, good-bye, and good luck. [hangs up] Lionel: Who's that? Jean: The best man. He's broken his leg. Lionel: That's bad luck. Jean: Bad luck! The man's a fool. Lionel: That's a bit harsh. Who is the best man anyway? Jean: Was, was, was! Gaston somebody-or-other. He's a ski instructor. Lionel: Can't be very good if he's broken his leg. Jean: That's why I said he was a fool. Lionel: Why phone here? Why not phone Alistair. Jean: Because he's on his way to hospital, and contrary to all the laws of nature Alistair's mobile is switched off. |
| Season 9 / Episode 3: - The World Will Always Welcome Lovers . . a.k.a The Wedding Rocky: Come on, Mrs Bale, I fancy a tango. Mrs. Bale: They're not playing a tango. Rocky: Oh, stop nit-picking! Lionel: What about you? Do you fancy a shuffle round? Jean: Only if we smooch. Lionel: That's taken as read. |
| Season 9 / Episode 3: - The World Will Always Welcome Lovers . . a.k.a The Wedding Jean: Oh look, oh look! Lionel: What am I supposed to be looking at? Jean: Harry and Sandy. Lionel: Together at last. Jean: Where there's life, there's hope. Sandy: He passed out. |
| Season 9 / Episode 3: - The World Will Always Welcome Lovers . . a.k.a The Wedding Lol Ferris: Incidentally, Miss, my brothers all tend their very warm regards. Sandy: Oh, how sweet of them. Give them my love. Lol Ferris: Uh, uh, best make that 'best wishes'. We don't want them getting their hopes up, do we? |
| Season 9 / Episode 3: - The World Will Always Welcome Lovers . . a.k.a The Wedding Rocky: You know, a little birdie tells me that you used to be very sweet on young Sandy. Harry: Well, wouldn't you be? Rocky: I would. I would. Well, why aren't you taking her with you then? Harry: I don't know. Well, I do. I haven't asked her. Rocky: You don't look like a simpleton! |
| Season 9 / Episode 2: - Another Proposal Jean: [answers doorbell to find John holding two mannequins] Oh. John: Mornin'. Jean: Morning, John. I don't see, uh... John: Well, you did say you'd look after them. Jean: Did I? John: Oh, yes. Um, would you mind? We don't want them catching cold. Jean: Course not. [John carries them into the hall] Oh dear. John: Where to? Jean: Um. Well, uh... uh, well, in here I suppose. John: Where should we put them? On the floor? Jean: No, have a bit of respect; let's put them on the sofa. John, are you positive I said I'd look after them? John: That's what they said down the charity shop. "Good old Jean," that's what they said. Jean: Yes, I bet they did. Won't be for long, will it? John: Just till the refurbishing's finished. You know how strapped for space we are at the best of time. Jean: Had I had a glass of wine when I made this promise? John: Three. Jean: Oh. Serves me right then. John: Look on the bright side; they don't eat much, do they? [he leaves] Jean: Bye. [to the mannequins] You can laugh. |
| Season 9 / Episode 2: - Another Proposal Jean: I've just been making a guest list for you. Alistair: For me? Lionel: It's all right, Alistair. Alistair: My special lady. You're making a guest list. Jean: It's only a provisional one. Alistair: Yes, but *you're* making it! Jean: Yes, but I... Alistair: I mean, do I deserve it? [weeping] Do I deserve to be so happy? |
| Season 9 / Episode 1: - Time to Settle Down Lionel: Postman Pat's been. Jean: In his little red van? Lionel: No, he's got a soppy trolley with big wheels. Jean: It's not the same, is it? Lionel: Nothing's the same. I mean look at all this lot. Did I ask for it? Did you ask for it? Did these people ask our permission to send us all this? No, so we have to wade through it every morning. |
| Season 9 / Episode 1: - Time to Settle Down Jean: Look, it's Lillian Stevens. Lionel: Who? Jean: That lady we met over there who sent us the card the other day; the one you described as tall, with long black hair and tight leather trousers. Lionel: [looks at photo] That's not the one that I meant. Jean: No. Obviously. Lionel: Funny how the mind plays tricks, isn't it. I could have sworn I was describing Lillian Stevens. Jean: Yes. Who were you describing? Lionel: Coffee? Jean: Lionel. Lionel! |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Going Online Lionel: [on the telephone] No, thank you. No, thank you. [pause] No, thank you! [pause] No, thank you. [pause] No, thank you. Goodbye. Jean: Friend of yours? Lionel: British Telecom. One of those 'are you satisfied with our services' calls. I said yes and hoped that would be it, but no, I then get ten minutes of being offered extra services. Jean: You weren't even listening. Lionel: Well, it's all getting too complicated. Do you realise you can get a special rate if you make calls between three and five o'clock in the morning providing you're standing on one leg and wearing a ginger wig? Jean: You turned that down! |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Going Online Alistair: Look at you! Is that dress split to the thigh or what! Sandy: It's not split at all. Alistair: A guy can dream. |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Going Online Lionel: When you say broke, is that a, a comparative term? Alistair: No, I mean stony. Lye, you are looking at yesterday's man. Lionel: Come on. Alistair: Where? Lionel: Home. I think you need to be with friends. Alistair: They all hate me. Lionel: Don't make difficulties. Come on. |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Going Online Lionel: That was about as subtle as a steamroller, wasn't it. Jean: I just think they ought to be left alone. Lionel: Look, you can't start matchmaking at a time like this. Jean: I'm not matchmaking, but when Alistair was telling his sad story, and it was sad, it was Judy he was telling it to. Sandy: Didn't you notice? Lionel: No. Sandy: Honestly. Jean: Honestly. Lionel: Well, I'm not psychic, am I! |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Going Online Jean: Are you sure you didn't fix it for the lights to go off? Lionel: No. Even with my immensely long arms, i couldn't reach from here to the cupboard under the stairs. Jean: No, I suppose not. 'Tis romantic, though, isn't it. Lionel: Yes, 'tis. [he chuckles] Jean: Why are you smiling? Lionel: Well, I was just thinking of the things you could still do that require no technological expertise at all. Jean: Oh, Lionel, you are a rascal. Lionel: I have my moments. |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Going Online Jean: Have you finished your early morning grumble? Lionel: Yes, I think so. Jean: Good morning. |
| Season 8 / Episode 6: - Going Online Jean: Does Alistair take tea or coffee for breakfast? Judith: Coffee. Sometimes Buck's Fizz. Jean: [pause] Coffee, then. |
| Season 8 / Episode 5: - Future Imperfect Alistair: I've got to go to Athens. Judith: Athens. Alistair: Yeah, I'm hoping to meet Nana Mouskouri to talk about a new book called "Boys Do Make Passes". |
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