Andy Richter Controls the Universe - Episode Quotes

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Andy Richter Controls the Universe Quotes

	Season 2 / Episode 13: - Saturday Early Evening Fever Jessica: [answering the phone] This is Jessica. Phil: [impersonating Teak] Jessica, this is Teak. I just called to tell you I'm a total jerk and you should definitely go out with Phil, because he's your kind of man. And strong. Teak: [Teak comes in on a third line] Phil, you bastard. Jessica, it's me, Teak. Teak: No wait, it's Phil. And you're fat. Teak: Did you hear that? Phil just called you fat. Jessica: [impersonating Phil] Wait, I'm Phil. Teak: What? Phil: Huh? Jessica: [impersonating Teak] Hello, this is Teak! Phil: What? Teak: Who is this? Jessica: [impersonating Phil] Phil. I think someone else is on the line. Phil: What? Jessica: [impersonating Teak] What? Teak: Are you Teak or Phil? Jessica: [scary voice] I'm in the house! Jessica: Dude, run! Hang up! Run!
	Season 2 / Episode 13: - Saturday Early Evening Fever Andy Richter: Hey you guys, you like dancing and hanging round with rockstars, right? Keith Richards: Sure. Wendy McKay: Yeah. Byron Togler: Wow. Andy Richter: Excelent. What are you doing tomorrow night between eight and eleven? Keith Richards: Nothing. Wendy McKay, Byron Togler: I'm free. Andy Richter: You wanna help me move my grandma into her new assistant living facility? Afterwards we can go dancing and look for Rockstars. If there's time. There probably won't be.
	Season 2 / Episode 13: - Saturday Early Evening Fever Wendy McKay: You know all those old bottles we got from Andy's grandmother? Keith Richards: Who could forget old bottles? Wendy McKay: Well, last night I had a horrible headache, and I decided to drink from one of 'em. Keith Richards: Good thinking, honey.
	Season 2 / Episode 13: - Saturday Early Evening Fever Andy Richter: [narrating] Maybe I could learn to see Byron and my grandma's relationship the way they do, as something beautiful and giving. Rather than an unholy mix of old flesh and Byron.
	Season 2 / Episode 13: - Saturday Early Evening Fever Andy Richter: Okay Byron, my grandma has a right to be happy, so I give you my blessing. Just... don't get her pregnant, I don't need another mom.
	Season 2 / Episode 13: - Saturday Early Evening Fever Teak: We're through with you. Jessica: That's terrible. [pause] Oh, I'm over it. Phil: You came between us like a wedge, you wedge-woman! Jessica: Whatever. Just give me your parking thingie and we'll get you outta here. Teak: You used your powers of sexual hotness to ruin our friendship. Phil: Yeah, like a succubus or a type five demon! Jessica: This whole thing has been in your heads. You love me, you hate me, who cares? Why don't you go find something to pierce, or tattoo, or inhale from a bag? But leave me the hell alone. [Jessica leaves] Teak: That was so hot. Phil: I want her so bad again.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Charity Begins in Cellblock D Mr. Pickering: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. But hit a man with a brick and you can have all his fish. And his wife!
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Charity Begins in Cellblock D Andy Richter: Do you think Dracula could have kids? Jessica Green: [not very interested] No. Andy Richter: Well, what about Son of Dracula or Dracula's Daughter? Jessica Green: Okay then, yes. Andy Richter: Can the Mummy swim? Jessica Green: No. Andy Richter: Well, he was in that swamp in that one movie. Jessica Green: Okay, you made your point, you'd make an excellent monster lawyer.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Charity Begins in Cellblock D Andy Richter: [thinking] I wonder if Frankenstein uses the toilet or just goes in his pants?
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Charity Begins in Cellblock D Andy Richter: [during a flashback, a tearful Andy has been spying on his sexy neighbors] Will I ever know love?
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Charity Begins in Cellblock D Jessica Green: Okay, here's my prisoners poem. I don't think it's very good, but maybe I'm too close to it. [reading] One, two, three, four, lets rob a convenience store. Five, six, seven, eight. Nine, ten, eleven, twelve, thirteen. It goes on like that for a while. Wendy McKay: Good thing he has jail to fall back on.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Charity Begins in Cellblock D Jessica Green: Use your pen to express your feelings. And if you win, I'll buy you that subscription to 'Fat Ass Nurse'.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Charity Begins in Cellblock D Wendy McKay: Oh my God, he's choking! Keith Richards: After I specifically told him not to.
	Season 2 / Episode 12: - Charity Begins in Cellblock D Andy Richter: Are we bad people? Jessica Green: Didn't you hear the man? we're not allowed in prison!
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Final Fantasy Jessica: I heard you read Wendy's thing. Andy: Oh, yeah. I didn't know what to tell her - I mean, it's like she wrote it in Microsoft Turd.
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Final Fantasy Byron Togler: Jessica, oh, I cannot stop thinking about my party. I feel terrible that I made that stripper cry. Jessica Green: Teena. Her name is Teena. Byron Togler: Oh God, she has a name?
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Final Fantasy Jessica Green: What, do you think a woman can only be smart or sexy? Then which one am I, huh? Byron Togler: Is scary one of the categories?
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Final Fantasy Andy Richter: [reading Wendy's short story] This is awful. It's like reading a 600 year old Penthouse!
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Final Fantasy Andy Richter: [Keith is coming to grips with his own mortality] But you had to know that you were probably going to die. Keith Richards: I guess I knew it in theory. But I've been pretty lucky so far. I never have to comb my hair, I get paid for doing next to nothing, I smell like this naturally.
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Final Fantasy Andy Richter: [narrating] I had to do something. Since I am a writer I decided to use my special weapon. Language: the thing that means stuff!
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Final Fantasy Byron Togler: Are your breast real? Teena: [philosophy student/stripper] Can we be sure that anything is real?
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Final Fantasy Wendy McKay: [as medieval damsel] Agator, if thou love me, why don't thou want to move in with me? Keith Richards: [as medieval knight] Look, thou art great. I love thee. It hath nothing to doth with that.
	Season 2 / Episode 11: - Final Fantasy Jessica Green: Byron, you're a pimp. Byron Togler: What? No-o, no, I'm just helping these fine ladies with their finances, their clothes, artistic issues... Jessica Green: I didn't say you weren't a good pimp.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Duh Dog Andy Richter: [describing his working relationship with Byron in his thoughts] I'm like a manual writing gladiator and he's my adorable artist sidekick. I think I'll call him 'Popo'.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Duh Dog Jessica Green: These things are all ready to ship but unfortunately the manual is incomprehensible. Byron Togler: I see. So our job is to de-incomprehensibalize it. Jessica Green: Maybe I went to the wrong guys. Andy Richter: Don't worry Jessica, he knows not words good, but he draws pictures pretty.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Duh Dog Keith Richards: [tasting a delicious piece of chicken] I feel like I just lost my chickenginity.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Duh Dog Jessica Green: [Andy has just given a presentation] Well, I think the guys have created something really good. Ms. Machado: I don't like it. Jessica Green: I meant, really good, as a starting off point. Ms. Machado: I don't like any of it. Jessica Green: I meant a starting off point that clearly shows us the wrong direction.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Duh Dog Andy Richter: I wrote the award winning manual for the super toilet. I think I know what I'm doing.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Duh Dog Jessica Green: It was Byron's drawing, so Byron's in charge. Andy Richter: What! I have been for four years. He's been here two months, and one of those was February.
	Season 2 / Episode 10: - Duh Dog Andy Richter: [narrating] Look at him, the big artist. The Duh Dog was my idea! All Byron did was develop it, present it and shut me down when I tried to kill it. Now he's taking all the credit. I'm taking him out. Doggy style! - No, not like that!