Andy Barker, P.I. Quotes

Andy Barker, P.I.

- Episode Quotes

Fun Facts:

Andy Barker, P.I. Quotes

	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Andy Barker: [to Simon] Mmm, this tea is wonderful. [to Wally] Is this chamomile? Wally: Yes it is. But I am sorry, it is pronounced Camel Milk.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Wally: I have combined Americans love of sex, guns and chickpea. Andy Barker: That's the big three.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Simon: [Lew and Andy are off on another case] Alright it's go time! I'll get in back. Lew Staziak: Actually it's stay time. [drives off] Simon: [shouting] You win this round, Lew Staziac, but when vengeance strikes, it will be swift - [is hit in the head by humus from a humus gun]
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Andy Barker: We go to San Diego. My kids are crazy about Sea World. Lew Staziak: They wouldn't be if they knew what was burried under Shamu's tank.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Andy Barker: [finding a letter stuck in a door] What the helicopter?
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Wally: Excuse me Lew Staziak my friend, I need to speak to my friend Andy my friend.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Rita Spaulding: Well aren't you just the cat's pajama’s. You are aren't you? [puts on thick glasses] Oh, hell yes! [groans suggestively]
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Andy Barker: [Rita has one wooden leg] I'm sorry about your leg... Rita Spaulding: Oh, it's no biggie. There's a girl in D-Block who lost the other one. Now we buy shoes together.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Andy Barker: You said in your letter that you had been framed for the murder. Rita Spaulding: That's right, couldn't have done that. I was in the Brown Derby at the time. Andy Barker: Well, that ought to be fairly easy to prove. Rita Spaulding: Well, whoever framed me got everybody to done me up. Andy Barker: So no one saw you going in? Rita Spaulding: No, I was with a married guy. We went in the back door. Lew Staziak: [standing in doorframe] We did that a few times, didn't we doll? Rita Spaulding: Well Lew Staziak as I live and breathe. Actually, I was talking about going in the back door of the Brown Derby. Lew Staziak: So was I. Rita Spaulding: No, I mean the back door of the restaurant. Lew Staziak: Oh. I didn't go there.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Andy Barker: Eh, Lew what are you doing here? Lew Staziak: I realized I couldn't let you alone with this one. She'd fill your head with lies and your pants with hands. Rita Spaulding: Still got two of those.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Rita Spaulding: [shouting] Oh, and tell Lew I'm sorry I broke his heart! [quietly] And burned his house.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Wally: [to one of his two remaining Hoomus Hotties] You, chicken? You're out. Andy says go pull a sled, you dog
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes John Leibowitz: I am John Leibowitz. Andy Barker: You are? John Leibowitz: I changed my name when I came to this country. There was much prejudice against the Chinese people. But who doesn't love a Jew?
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Lew Staziak: You ever had your heart broke by a one legged lady? Bartender: Change lady to dude, and yeah. Lew Staziak: You gay? Bartender: Yeah. This is a gay bar.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Lew Staziak: Hey, you said you had a visit from Micky. You sure it was him? Andy Barker: I got a video of him with my phone. Lew Staziak: Yeah, and I just flew over here on my toaster.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Mickey Doyle: Starting that fire's one of the best moves I ever made. I destroyed the evidence from six different crimes I committed.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Andy Barker: Where are we going? Mickey Doyle: [pressing a gun in Andy's back] Parts of you are going to fifty different places around the city.
	Season 1 / Episode 6: - The Lady Varnishes Lew Staziak: So how's your wine, Sweetheart? Rita Spaulding: Well, it's better than the stuff we used to make in my toilet. Jenny Barker: You guys are adorable!
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Big No Sleep Lew Staziak: Blond one did it. Probably a Samoan. Those peach eatin' bastards will steal anything you ain't stuffed down your pants.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Big No Sleep Lew Staziak: No disrespect to your wife, but it's amazing you ever got that oven-jockey to uncross her honeysticks for you. Andy Barker: [pause] That is disrespectful.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Big No Sleep Lew Staziak: [threatening a small boy] Listen up, punk-ass. You give us Snowball back or I'll step on you so hard you'll have to unzip your pants just to jump on a trampoline. I'll make your little miserable island hoppin' life so hellish you'll wish you never climbed out of your momies babymaker. Lew Staziak: [to Andy] Give 'em the bad cop.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Big No Sleep Simon: Andy, it's time to get Snowball. Andy Barker: We're gonna bag us an elephant.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Big No Sleep Beznik: [Beznik offers Andy the stuffed toy he's looking for] First my friend, we must do the dance. Andy Barker: [totally exhausted] Dance, what dance? We gotta go. Beznik: Oh, Andy, it's the [sing song voice] how much do you want this dance. How much do you want this? [starts spinning round and dragging Andy along]
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - The Big No Sleep Dr. Cey: [pointing a gun at Snowball] Stay away or the elephant gets it! Andy Barker: Please! Don't hurt that toy. Dr. Cey: [laughs] Once again, Barker, I bested you! Andy Barker: We just met on Wednesday. Dr. Cey: So long, babies! Beznik: [arriving on bicycle] Nobody puts babies in the corner!
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Dial M for Laptop Andy Barker: Well, if they're coming tonight, let’s be ready for 'em. Wally: I'll be there for you, Andy. The enemy of my friend is my enemy, my friend. Simon: Oh-hohoho a reverse stakeout! We'll probably be here all night. [suddenly serious] I don't want any cracks about my retainer.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Dial M for Laptop Andy Barker: Jenny, refridge my rice pudding. I gotta go back to the office.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Dial M for Laptop Andy Barker: Excuse my French, but I am P.O.'d! And I would like to know what's going on. Lew Staziak: I told you about Peter Jacobsmeyer, right? Andy Barker: No. Lew Staziak: [sighs] Drugs keep my ticker going but my brain's shutting down.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Dial M for Laptop Lew Staziak: What in hell is that? Simon: It's a stakeout, I got coffee. Lew Staziak: Coffee? [takes a cup] I'm growing a set of jugs just looking at this thing.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Dial M for Laptop Andy Barker: Well why do we have to lie about who we are? Simon: We need a backstory. Nobody's gonna tell an accountant and a video store manager where she is. Loretta's Roomate: [opens door] Yeah? Andy Barker: Hi, eh, we're looking for Loretta Crispin. We were hoping that - Loretta's Roomate: She went to a bar downtown, the Brunswick House. Andy Barker: Oh. Well that's all we want, thanks very much. Simon: Hi. We're movie producers. We think she would be perfect on our upcoming film. Loretta's Roomate: It's on Figaro or Western Hugh. Andy Barker: Yeah, I know that intersection, thank you. Simon: Well, it's an underwater action drama about a mutated lion that lives in the ocean and attacks shipping lanes. It's called Sea-Cat! Loretta's Roomate: She's wearing a grey silk top, grey skirt, black pearl necklace and matching earings. Andy Barker: Sounds like she'll be easy to find, thank you very much. Simon: [laughs] I'll bet General Jackson could jog your memory...
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Dial M for Laptop Wally: Finally. I get to administer frontier justice. Today, I am an Americaaaaaaaaan! [charges of brandishing a meat cleaver]

« previous12 3 next »

» Back to Andy Barker, P.I. TV Show