Hayley Smith

American Dad!

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Played by:

Rachael MacFarlane

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Hayley Smith Quotes

	Season 3 / Episode 15: - Stanny Slickers II: The Legend of Ollie's Gold Francine Smith: Stan, can you please talk to your daughter. Look at her! Stan Smith: My God! Get that slut shrapnel out of your face this instant! Hayley Smith: It's just a nose ring. Stan Smith: It's a gateway piercing. Next thing you know, you'll have a bone for your lip like one of those rain forest people that Sting is always whining about. Francine Smith: [to Hayley] Listen to your father. Sting's become a bit of a douche
	Season 3 / Episode 9: - Frannie 911 Klaus: [Hayley runs naked outside] Say it! You have to say it! Hayley Smith: Help! Raccoons took my penis!
	Season 2 / Episode 5: - Dungeons and Wagons Jeff: [in the game, they have obtained an amulet to bring Steve's character back to life] What do we do with the amulet? Hayley Smith: It's a suppository.
	Season 1 / Episode 18: - Finances With Wolves Hayley Smith: [about the mall] What kind of idiot would buy into this materialistic crap? Steve Smith: And we widen to reveal... Stan Smith: Look at all this cool stuff!
	Season 1 / Episode 14: - Stannie Get Your Gun Hayley Smith: I can't believe you're feeding those extremists from the National Gun Association. They're monsters! Francine Smith: Oh sweetheart don't be so dramatic. Besides, aren't you having fun cooking with mommy? Hayley Smith: I'm not "cooking with mommy!" Dad handcuffed me to the oven! Francine Smith: [stern] Well, if it weren't for handcuffs and your father you wouldn't even be here, young lady.
	Season 1 / Episode 14: - Stannie Get Your Gun Dr. Heisler: [pointing to x-ray] See? The second bullet passed through your neck and pushed the first bullet out. You should be completely ambulatory again. Stanley Smith: [distraught] What good is that to a man who has to spend the rest of his life in a chair? Stanley Smith: Aaaaaah! Doc, your fork has magical powers! Dr. Heisler: It's the bullet that saved you. Stanley Smith: This is great! We've gotta go back on tour and spread the word. Guns are good! Hayley Smith: What? Stanley Smith: Without guns I'd still be in a wheelchair. Guns heal the sick!
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Stan of Arabia (1) Hayley Smith: Steve, come on! I'm supposed to meet the neighbor's son in 20 minutes! Steve Smith: You know the rule. Say it, and I'll escort you to the bazaar. Hayley Smith: [sighs] You're the manliest man in the history of manly men. Steve Smith: And? Hayley Smith: And when you're in your late 30s, you may have a chance at convincing a long-time female friend to have awkward pity-sex with you, once. Steve Smith: Aww yeah!
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Stan of Arabia (1) Roger the Alien: I need a drink. Where's the booze? Hayley Smith: There is no booze. Saudi Arabia is a dry country. Roger the Alien: [pause] Seriously, where's the booze?
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Stan of Arabia (1) Hayley Smith: Bye, dad. We're going to see the new Michael Moore documentary. Stan Smith: Michael Moore... ? Oh, you mean Michael Bin Laden.
	Season 1 / Episode 12: - Stan of Arabia (1) Steve Smith: Come on, Hayley. You're going to the movies with Jeff, anyway. Just give me a ride. Hayley Smith: You know the rule. Steve Smith: [sighs] You're the most environmentally-conscious, self-actualized feminist in the world... Hayley Smith: And? Steve Smith: And I'm a douchebag.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Bullocks to Stan Hayley Smith: [Hayley is dating Bullock, Stan's boss] I came over here after the party, we started talking, and... you know. And besides, he has a huge... Stanley Smith: Penis. Haley! Damn. Hayley Smith: I was going to say "heart" but... well, you saw his shoes.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Bullocks to Stan Hayley Smith: Dad! Do something! Stanley Smith: [to waitress] So what, exactly, is a "frittata"? Hayley Smith: Dad! Stanley Smith: Hey, I'm hungry! This man rode me like an animal for three hours. Do you have ANY idea what that's like? Hayley Smith: [pause; Hayley glares at him] Stanley Smith: And now I'm not hungry.
	Season 1 / Episode 8: - Bullocks to Stan Hayley Smith: If all the CIA is at this picnic, who's out there undermining democracy? Stanley Smith: The FBI pulls a double shift.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Roger Codger Hayley Smith: Hello? Roger the Alien: Hayley? Roger. Got a sec? Hayley Smith: Roger? Whoah! Is this one of those Twilight Zone phones where I can talk to the dead, but only with horrible, ironic consequences? Roger the Alien: Oh, right, it's past noon, you're already high.
	Season 1 / Episode 5: - Roger Codger Stanley Smith: Nobody threatens my family! Now get out of the way or I'll shoot you all! Hayley Smith: Oh, God, it's my junior prom all over again.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Francine's Flashback Hayley Smith: Mom stole my boyfriend! Stanley Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at 'em by dating each other. Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Francine's Flashback Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend! Stanley Smith: Your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other. Wait a minute. Daddy didn't think that through.
	Season 1 / Episode 4: - Francine's Flashback Hayley Smith: My mother stole my boyfriend! Stanley Smith: And your boyfriend stole my wife! Let's get back at them by dating each other! Stanley Smith: Wait a minute... Daddy didn't think that one through.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Hayley Smith: [Stan shoots up the toaster the second it pops up] It's just toast, Dad. Stanley Smith: This time it was toast, Haley. THIS time.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Hayley Smith: Ya know, Dad, it's great that you and your CIA buddies can come up with a fun new system to keep the masses paralyzed in fear! Stanley Smith: Do you like shaving your armpits, Hayley? 'Cause when the terrorists take over this country, that's the first thing to go!
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Hayley Smith: What do you know about Henry Kissinger? Roger the Alien: Well, I know he was a Jew, but if you get me some Churros, I can stretch that out to 500 words easy.
	Season 1 / Episode 1: - Pilot Hayley Smith: You know, Steve's dog would still be alive if you right-wing lunactics would agree to gun control. Stanley Smith: You know what I have to say to that? Stanley Smith: Ah, I thought I was gonna fart.

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