All in the Family Quotes

All in the Family

- Episode Quotes

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All in the Family Quotes

	Season 9 / Episode 20: - Stephanie's Conversation Archie Bunker: Why are you treating me to waffles and syrup on a Monday Morning? Edith Bunker: Because Stephanie is Jewish.
	Season 9 / Episode 12: - California, Here We Are (1) Edith Bunker: Gloria, your neighbors must be very poor! They're all laying around in their back yard sharing the same cigarette!
	Season 9 / Episode 4: - What'll We Do with Stephanie? Laura Grant: My main concern is to find a proper place for the child. Archie Bunker: Oh, hey, I wanna do that too. But, I wanna be sure she goes... Um, with her own kind. Well, what I mean to say, as you know yourself, that certain mixtures, see, they don't... Uh, mix. Laura Grant: What kind of mixtures did you have in mind? Archie Bunker: Well you know, the wrong mixtures. Present company suspected.
	Season 8 / Episode 20: - Stalemates Gloria Bunker-Stivic: [Mike and Gloria are on the bathroom floor making out] What if the maid comes in? Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I don't care. I don't want her. I want you.
	Season 7 / Episode 21: - Mike, the Pacifist Archie Bunker: All you done was belt him.
	Season 7 / Episode 19: - Stretch Cunningham, Goodbye Archie Bunker: What's goin' on, Edith? Edith Bunker: I guess Stretch must have been Jewish. Archie Bunker: Stretch Jewish? With a name like Cunningham? Edith Bunker: Oh, well, Archie... what's in a name? Archie Bunker: A Jewish name ain't supposed to have no "ham" in it.
	Season 7 / Episode 15: - The Draft Dodger Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Look, Arch, what David did took a lot of guts! Archie Bunker: What do you mean, a lot of guts? David Brewster: My own father couldn't understand, why should he? Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: When the hell are you going to admit that the war was wrong? Archie Bunker: I ain't talkin' about that war! I don't want to talk about that rotten damn war no more! I'm talkin' about somethin' else! And what he done was wrong! Sayin' he won't go! Whaddya think, the old people of this country can say whether or not they wanna go to war? You couldn't get a decent war off the ground that way! All the young people would say no - sure they would! Cause they don't wanna get killed! And that's why we leave it to the Congress, cause them old quacks ain't gonna get killed! And they're gonna do the right thing, and get behind the president and vote yes! Pinky Peterson: Arch, if my opinion is of any importance... Archie Bunker: Certainly your opinion is important! Gold Star Father. Your opinion is more important than anyone else in this room. And I wanna hear that opinion - I want these young people here to hear that opinion! Now you tell 'em, Pinky, you tell 'em. Pinky Peterson: I understand how you feel, Arch. My kid hated the war, too. But he did what he thought he had to do. And David here did what he thought he had to do. But David's alive to share Christmas dinner with us. And if Steve were here he would want to sit down with him. And that's what I want to do. Pinky Peterson: Merry Christmas, David. David Brewster: Merry Christmas, sir.
	Season 6 / Episode 23: - Gloria and Mike's House Guests Archie Bunker: [after breaking a window with a broom handle] "Why me, Lord? You got an atheist next door." [Shelf in broom closet collapses]
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - Archie's Weighty Problem Edith Bunker: The first three days of a diet is always the hardest. But Mike and Gloria and are dieting too to keep you company. You know what they say, misery is the best company. Archie Bunker: I'll tell you something about misery - misery wants beer!
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - Archie's Weighty Problem Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Daddy, you need exercise. So tonight after dinner, why don't you and Michael take a nice brisk evening walk? Archie Bunker: Are you kidding, an evening walk in this town? You walk to fast, the cops pick you up. You walk too slow, the muggers knock you down. Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Well, then skip. Archie Bunker: I do that and the fags are all over me. Gloria Bunker-Stivic: That's 'cause you're so pretty.
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - Archie's Weighty Problem Archie Bunker: Why is everybody worrying about me? I'm healthy as a horse. When I die, it ain't gonna be from nothing serious.
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - Archie's Weighty Problem Archie Bunker: [Belches after Edith asks him a serious question] Edith Bunker: Was that a yes or a no?
	Season 6 / Episode 20: - Archie's Weighty Problem Archie Bunker: [after listening to Quigley list all the activities he still enjoys] Whoopee! Justin Quigley: That too. Archie Bunker: Quigley, at your age, isn't sex down to a handshake? Justin Quigley: Yep. Before and after. In between it's still whoopee.
	Season 6 / Episode 15: - The Baby (2) Archie Bunker: I just came from appearing in a Menstrual Show. [the clerk looks even more puzzled] Edith Bunker: Minstrel Show!
	Season 6 / Episode 11: - The Little Atheist Archie Bunker: [Archie and Edith are next door at Mike and Gloria's house for Thanksgiving dinner] Come on, Edith, we're going home! Edith Bunker: We ain't had dinner yet! Archie Bunker: I ain't gonna have dinner, I'm scared to eat in this house. [Points at Mike] You know what that meathead just done? He gave the Bronx cheer to the Lord, so help me! And he's gonna bring up our grandson to do the same thing! Edith Bunker: Oh, Archie... Archie Bunker: [Interrupting Edith] Come on, Edith! Come with me, and don't look back or you'll be turned into a pillow of salt!
	Season 6 / Episode 2: - Alone at Last Archie Bunker: [after nearly destroying the kitchen while trying to cook a steak] Well, there's always Froot Loops.
	Season 6 / Episode 1: - The Very Moving Day Edith Bunker: [Comes up the stairs from the basement] Mike! I found some more packing boxes for you! Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Ah, thanks Ma. Archie Bunker: Aw, look at this. Hey, now you got a matching set of Polock luggage!
	Season 6 / Episode 1: - The Very Moving Day Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: When I move outta here tomorrow I'm gonna feel like a guy who just served a 5-year sentence! Archie Bunker: Aw jeez, some tough sentence. Free room & board and sleeping with the warden's daughter!
	Season 5 / Episode 24: - No Smoking Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: [On the phone] I still can't find an apartment. Archie Bunker: That's because you're looking with a bag over your head. Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Would you leave me alone? Archie Bunker: Try Jersey. Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: I hate Jersey! Archie Bunker: Everybody hates Jersey! But somebody's gotta live there.
	Season 5 / Episode 17: - Prisoner in the House Harry Bentley: Well, jambo. George Jefferson: Did you say Sambo? Harry Bentley: Jambo. It's Swahili. Actually it means "hello".
	Season 5 / Episode 12: - George and Archie Make a Deal Archie Bunker: [after being handed George Jefferson's petition to run for office] Let me look this thing over and see what we got here. George Jefferson: It ain't an IOU; just go ahead and sign it. Archie Bunker: Hold it, hold it, Jefferson. I don't go around signing political documentaries just like that, ya know. Even Abe Lincoln, smart as he was, he read the Declaration of Independence before putting his John Hancock on it. Edith Bunker: Archie, are you sure Abraham Lincoln signed the Declaration of Independence? Archie Bunker: Yeah, fourscore and seven years ago.
	Season 5 / Episode 12: - George and Archie Make a Deal Archie Bunker: [to Michael] Wait a minute, wait a minute. What the hell are you doing? Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Oh, Michael's got a new hobby, macramé. He's making me a new belt. Edith Bunker: Ain't it pretty? Archie Bunker: Macaroni? What? Gloria Bunker-Stivic: Macramé. Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Don't say it. Archie Bunker: There's nothing to say, "Florence."
	Season 5 / Episode 12: - George and Archie Make a Deal Archie Bunker: Leave the door alone. I hate when people come into the house and the first thing they see is you.
	Season 5 / Episode 6: - Archie's Helping Hand Gloria Stivic: [Mike has taken up embroidery] Lot's of men are doing hobbies like that. Mike Stivic: Yeah, Rosey Grizz does needlepoint. Would you call him a fruitcake? Archie Bunker: There's no such thing as a colored fag. Mike Stivic: What? Archie Bunker: You don't believe me? Walk up to any colored guy and ask him, "Are you a fag?" Your tonsils will be wearing your mustache.
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - Gloria's Boyfriend Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Arch, that's a myth. Retarded people have no more of a sex drive than anybody else. Archie Bunker: Oh yeah? Then why are you on automatic all the time?
	Season 4 / Episode 19: - Gloria's Boyfriend Archie Bunker: Let me ask you something there, about George. I mean, how did that happen to him? When he was a baby, uh, did somebody throw him up in the air and forget to catch him? Mr. Bushmill: [sighs] It's a common birth defect. The doctors call it anoxia. It means he didn't get enough oxygen when he was born. Now that's what happened to George - what's your excuse?
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Taxi Caper Archie Bunker: I've just decided, uh, not to press the charges. [Hangs up the phone; Edith, Mike and Gloria instantly protest] Shush, shush, shush in front of the phone!
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Taxi Caper Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Why do you always have to talk stupid? Archie Bunker: To make you understand! Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Funny. Archie Bunker: Let me ask you this, how come you're never on my side even when a guy holds me up? Edith Bunker: Archie, if they catch that boy, will you have to take off work and go to court for his trial? Archie Bunker: Certainly I will, sure I will. I'll lose a day's pay but it's worth it to see that piece of filth thrown into the jug! Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: Hey, hey, wait a second Arch. You're talking about a human being. Archie Bunker: I'm talking about a creep! Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: All right, I agree, he should be punished for what he did. But you don't go around calling people pieces of filth. Archie Bunker: How about "piece of creep"? Michael 'Meathead' Stivic: There you go talking stupid again. Archie Bunker: There you go understanding me again!
	Season 4 / Episode 13: - The Taxi Caper Sgt. Blair: [Archie is in a police station to report that he'd been robbed while driving his taxi] I'm just taking your statement down here. Sgt. Roselli's gonna want to talk to you about it later. Archie Bunker: Aw, Roselli, huh? Jeez, whatever happened to all the Irish cops on the force? Let me tell ya, them are the guys who knew how to handle crime on the streets. They was always out there bustin' heads. Sgt. Blair: You like those old stereotypes, huh? Archie Bunker: Best types of all! They didn't waste no time bringing the "crinimals" into court to be let go. They'd grab a guy, they'd tell him, "hey, you don't do that no more!" Then they'd crack him on the skull so he wouldn't forget! Sgt. Blair: [Sarcastically] Nowadays our methods aren't quite so sophisticated. Archie Bunker: That's what I'm saying! A crack on the head is worth a thousand words!
	Season 4 / Episode 9: - Edith's Conversation Edith Bunker: [in the kitchen, after having tasted the horsemeat and being told what it was, to Gloria] I'm sorry, Gloria - I just can't stop thinking of Mr. Ed!

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