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Kenneth Parcell Quotes
 | Season 5 / Episode 18: - Plan B Liz Lemon: Kenneth! you beautiful goon! He's not in Africa; he's somewhere in the delivery zone of Federici's Pizza! We can find him and bring him back here, and no more forced hiatus! Kenneth Parcell: I did it! I saved the show! Now I won't have to go to News. Liz Lemon: And I won't have to be the world's worst hooker! Liz Lemon: [scene changes to an alley where Liz is leaning into a car wearing a sweatshirt and a blue wig:] You wanna party? It's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling. End of list. |
 | Season 5 / Episode 6: - Gentleman's Intermission Kenneth Parcell: Can I have a copy to show Mr. Jordan? It would be like watching his own funeral, just like Tom Sawyer. That's a boy from my town. We accidentally buried him alive. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 22: - I Do Do Kenneth Parcell: Hey everybody! I got fired today. You won't have Kenneth Allen Parcell to kick around anymore. So I'm going to tell you people what I really think of you. No. No. For four years I have listened to you all complain about your East Coast media elite problems, your apartment renovations, and your overpriced Star Wars memorabilia. Carol: That doorman is hammered. Kenneth Parcell: I have watched you throw away better food than my family eats at Christmas. And I have loved it. You people, you are my best friends and I hope you get everything you want in life. Jack Donaghy: Kenneth! Kenneth Parcell: So kiss my face. Carol: That was actually really sweet. Kenneth Parcell: I'll see you all in heaven. Have a wonderful summer. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 16: - TBA Kenneth Parcell: Ms. Lemon, a mister DeBarber called. Liz Lemon: Seriously? Kenneth Parcell: [serious voice] A mister DeBarber called. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 15: - TBA Jack Donaghy: Truth be told, I have not learnt a lot about Kabletown. It's a whole different business model. Kenneth Parcell: My cousin in Atlanta is a business model. She holds up staplers for catalogues. |
| Season 4 / Episode 14: - TBA Liz Lemon: Still haven't found your wallet, Kenneth? Kenneth Parcell: Yeah, and I realize I had a prescription in there that I really need. It keeps me from... [Starts convulsing and braying] Don't worry, it's just a donkey spell. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 13: - Anna Howard Shaw Day Jenna Maroney: You know what I realized? Maynard was the longest relationship of my life, after Doug. Kenneth Parcell: Please don't say who Doug... Jenna Maroney: Doug is my vibrator. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 10: - Black Light Attack! Tracy Jordan: How come your teeth don't glow in the black light, Kenneth? Kenneth Parcell: I don't know. You'll have to ask the man who whittled them for me. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 8: - Secret Santa Toofer: Kenneth is doing a Secret Santa fun swap thing! Frank Rossitano: Urgh, he takes the 2 worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules and combines them! Kenneth Parcell: [Flash back] And then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person and if they want to switch they cannot unless they do then everyone puts their head down except the murderer - oh wait that's not right. Frank Rossitano: The whole thing was so confusing I ended up getting my crappy gift back, like I need 2 copies of over 60 Vixens |
 | Season 4 / Episode 5: - The Problem Solvers Kenneth Parcell: I feel as useless as a mom's college degree. |
 | Season 4 / Episode 4: - Audition Day Jack Donaghy: I can't have bedbugs. I went to Princeton. Kenneth Parcell: Sir, everyone can get them. Back in Stone Mountain, even the mayor had them, and she was a horse. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Natural Order Kenneth Parcell: Now you're standing on the exact spot where Gracie Allen took Jack Paar's virginity. |
| Season 3 / Episode 20: - The Natural Order Kenneth Parcell: Well, as a child, I had a prize pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day I picked up one of her piglets - she went crazy! She bit off my nut sack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 19: - The Ones Kenneth Parcell: My real name is... Dick Whitman! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 18: - Jackie Jormp-Jomp Jack Donaghy: Wait, you're dating one of the dancers? Kenneth Parcell: Oh, no sir, I actually haven't spoken to her yet, but I have a long term plan to marry her and I wanted the company to be aware of my intentions. Jack Donaghy: I see. I'll be sure to mention that at the next board meeting. Kenneth Parcell: Thank you, sir. Also, I don't know if this is harassment, but someone at the Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 12: - Larry King Liz Lemon: You want the truth, Kenneth, you want the truth? Kenneth Parcell: I can't handle the truth! Liz Lemon: There is an adult picture of me on that phone. Kenneth Parcell: Adult? You mean like you're driving a car or wearing a suit? Liz Lemon: It's a boobies picture, Kenneth, and I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 9: - Retreat To Move Forward Kenneth Parcell: You can't eat candy if you have diabetes. Tracy Jordan: There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken; like Larry Bird or Colorado. |
| Season 3 / Episode 9: - Retreat To Move Forward Kenneth Parcell: What can I do for you, Miss... Jimplin? Jenna Maroney: [using the method to prepair for her Janis Joplin role] Well according to my Wikipedia page, I'm gonna need some Cherry juice, Buttermilk and Tequila to make my signature Janice Joplin cocktail: the Frank-schlong. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 5: - Reunion Kenneth Parcell: [drying his tears] I'm so sorry, Miss Maroney. Jenna Maroney: No, keep crying. I want you to feel this so you never make this mistake again. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 4: - Gavin Volure Jack Donaghy: Kenneth, just how much money do you have in your savings? Kenneth Parcell: Well, let's see! Kenneth Parcell: Eighty thousand dollars! Jack Donaghy: If you don't include Confederate money. Kenneth Parcell: Four thousand dollars! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 2: - Believe in the Stars Kenneth Parcell: Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying? Jack Donaghy: You're darn right he is. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 14: - Sandwich Day Liz Lemon: [stampedes into the writers' desk after finding out that her sandwich is missing, with a statue in her hand] Where's my sandwich? Tracy Jordan: Lutz made us do it! Lutz: No it was Frank. Frank: Lie! It was you! [the three of them begin to overlap] Kenneth Parcell: Stop it! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon, because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for a good man to do nothing. Tracy Jordan: Please aks my permission before you quote me, Kenneth. Liz Lemon: I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin! [shouting] You'll all have chins! |
 | Season 2 / Episode 12: - Subway Hero Jack Donaghy: ...let me ask you a question, Kenneth. If Mr. Bright here told you to vote Republican, would you do it? Kenneth Parcell: Oh, uh, no, sir. I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name! Jack Donaghy: That's Republican. We count those. |
| Season 2 / Episode 12: - Subway Hero Bucky Bright: Back then we didn't have pages, you know. We had what we called 'sandwich girls'. Kenneth Parcell: Oh, because they got you sandwiches? Bucky Bright: No, no, no, two guys 'd get... Hey, my old dressing room. |
| Season 2 / Episode 12: - Subway Hero Kenneth Parcell: I don't choose Democrat or Republican because choosing is a sin, so I just write in the Lord's name. Jack: That's Republican; we count those. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 11: - MILF Island Kenneth Parcell: I thought we were friends! Liz Lemon, Deborah: [in unison with MILF Island, playing in the background] I didn't come here to make friends! I came here to be number one! |
| Season 2 / Episode 11: - MILF Island Kenneth Parcell: Miss Lemon. Your eyes look like my uncle's after he would drink from the air conditioner. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 10: - Episode 210 Kenneth Parcell: I don't drink coffee, sir, I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 7: - Cougars Kenneth Parcell: [on phone] Sir, conditions have deteriorated. I made De Marquee captain like you said, but having a kid from Trinidad in charge made the Latino's real mad. And they all seemed to really hate my grandpa, 'cause they keep yelling 'kill whitey' and I'm like 'what do you think you are, alcohol? Jack Donaghy: [on cellphone] Right, Kenneth, calm down. There was bound to be some unrest once we removed Tracy. They're testing our resolve. Stay the course. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 3: - The Collection Jack: You like cookie jars, Kenneth? Kenneth Parcell: Well, I guess I never thought about it that much. We had a nice one back home in Georgia. It had a bear on it. I remember when my mom's friend Ron would come over. They'd go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork, and I'd just go ahead and stare at that cookie jar. It was almost as if I took every problem that I ever had and I put it inside that cookie jar. And I sealed it up so tight that nothin' would ever, ever, ever get out. So, I guess to answer your question, I'd give cookie jars about a B. Jack: Some people have so many problems that there aren't enough cookie jars in the world to contain them. |
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