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 | Season 3 / Episode 7: - Dances with Groceries Leslie: My Shawnee Indian roots, guess what, are at odds with my capitalist grocer roots. Do you know what the Indians do when they kill a bison? Carl? Carl: Aw wow, I didn't know there was gonna be a test. |
| Season 3 / Episode 7: - Dances with Groceries Leslie: This is the butt of the store. Richard: [sitting in trash bin] I know that, Leslie. Leslie: This is where the waste comes out. And if you're going to get zero carbon footprint, this is where the rubber meets the road. |
| Season 3 / Episode 7: - Dances with Groceries Leslie: I have a birthmark on my butt that looks just like a tomahawk that I can show you. |
| Season 3 / Episode 7: - Dances with Groceries Buck: Leslie, we're outta bags. Do you know where the other ones are? |
 | Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Milk Man The Milkman: [menacingly] You do what you gotta do. And I, I'm gonna do what I do... |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Milk Man Leslie: You stick your tongue down when you do mouth-to-mouth? Carl: I fell asleep in the training videos. |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Milk Man Richard: You're supposed to cleanse when someone passes away. Leslie: This is familiar to me. I feel comfortable. That's why I'm wearing dad's pajamas. Richard: You're wearing his pajamas? Leslie: And uh, you probably don't want me to use his toothbrush, either. |
| Season 3 / Episode 6: - The Milk Man Leslie: [testing body mic] Olive Oil this is Popeye. Olive Oil this is Popeye. I am in position, and I'm looking for the Red Hen. Looking for Bluto. Bluto is in sight. Operation spinach is under way... |
 | Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Whistler Charles Kliphouse: Actors are stupid people who need a line. I'm a host. |
| Season 3 / Episode 5: - The Whistler Yolanda: [to Leslie] I'm gonna have to drop you as my client. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 3: - Star Trok Leslie: [at computer] Alright, let's go up into quadrant B there. I'd like to put a gamma vector at 45 degrees to bring it right down behind that text box. Ingrid: You've never used Photoshop before, have you? |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Star Trok Leslie: The First Amendment says very clearly, you can rip anything off as long as you change it slightly. |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Star Trok Leslie: [upset] Those epaulets were rented! |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Star Trok Leslie: My name is Leslie Pool, and I am the manager, owner, and captain of the Starship G & G. |
| Season 3 / Episode 3: - Star Trok Leslie: Captain's log, stardate 1-5-7-2-5-4-3. We are the crew of the Greens and Grains, Barship Benterprise. Today we bleemed down to the planet. We discovered a unique alien, Jolene Blalock, who showed us something very very important. Don't - mess - with - Paramount Pictures - ever. They will crush you like a bug. You can't hide in a nebula from them. There's only three corporations that control the entire galaxy, and they're one of them. But there is a bastion of freedom. It rhymes with squawk. It is Trok. Star Trok. Live long... properly. Ingrid, go to condition red. Hot people in back, look handsome. Worg, check the weapons system. Fire torpon fopedos. Carl, all hands on deck. Space pals, push some buttons. Number Two, prepare for warp speed. Warp speed, 10 - engage! |
 | Season 3 / Episode 2: - Eye Can See Clearly Leslie: [whining and groveling] Please, don't take her. I beg you. Please Dale, don't take the hot chic from our store. Good looking guys have been taking stuff from me my whole life. Just like Brian McGuire took Susan Bolan away. I was just about to stick my hand in her training bra, and in walks Brian. All handsome and jock-like, and takes her off. Handsome guys get everything. I mean, you get the best jobs, the best cars, and the best people. You get waiting on first, you get bumped to first class. Oh you don't have enough miles? That's okay, we'll put you in "business". All you gotta do is watch E! Entertainment. There's all the good looking people frolicking around and having a great time. |
 | Season 3 / Episode 1: - Turkey Bowling Todd: [about Carl] He's a manager in training? Leslie: Yeah, after I get killed, Ingrid gets killed, and then Richard, Carl would then be in charge. This would be like - it would have to be like, ya know, a terrorist situation or something. |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - Turkey Bowling Richard: I sold the turkey. Leslie: Why? Richard: Because we're a grocery store. That's what we're supposed to do. Leslie: I'm bowling with the turkey! |
| Season 3 / Episode 1: - Turkey Bowling Richard: Real men bowl with balls. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 8: - The Ren Fair Leslie: Meade before grog, never sicker. Grog before meade, you're in the clear. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - The Ren Fair Don 'The Bag' Bagley: I am not a loser, I'm a winner. Charles Kliphouse: Don, you are a grown man sitting in a shopping cart. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - The Ren Fair Carl: I checked the wheels. Righty tighty, lefty loose... wait. |
| Season 2 / Episode 8: - The Ren Fair Leslie: Alright, the losers are back. [all cheering] |
 | Season 2 / Episode 7: - Illegal Alien Amy Anderson: What's her name Ingrid? Leslie: She knows her name. Ingrid: Yeah, Betty, Betty Ross. Leslie: It's Betsy Ross. You put an 'S' in there. Betsy. Ingrid: Isn't that what I said? Amy Anderson: You don't even know what she did. Leslie: Tell her. Ingrid: She got divorced. |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - Illegal Alien Leslie: What I'm about to tell you is going to freak you out. Leslie: Wait, did somebody call from Manny's school? Leslie: No, it's bigger. Bigger. Yolanda: Is my mom back it town? |
| Season 2 / Episode 7: - Illegal Alien Leslie: What's more American than jail, hmm? Who wants hot dogs? Look what I made for ya. It's an American meal everybody. Alright. The microwave was down so they're not cooked. But it's okay, there's nothing in here that'll harm ya. |
 | Season 2 / Episode 6: - Amy Strikes Back Leslie: We all have things that we would be embarrassed of being released on the Internet. Carl, remember the incident with the kumquats? Carl: Those weren't ripe. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - Amy Strikes Back Amy Anderson: Can I please speak with you in private? Leslie: Yeah. Okay. We'll go up to my office. Carl: Leave the door open. Leslie: Okay Carl! Amy Anderson: I'm a woman who has sexual needs, forgive me! Leslie: We're all women with sexual needs. We know what you mean. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - Amy Strikes Back Leslie: [about Amy] Look at her, she's a human being just like you. Ingrid: She's not. She's not a human being. She's nothing like me. |
| Season 2 / Episode 6: - Amy Strikes Back Leslie: [to disappointed customer] Thanks for not shopping here. Please come again. |
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