Brand Hauser: Marsha, get me Katie Couric, Al Jezeera and 100 gallons of sheep shit.
Marsha Dillon: [yelling to Hauser] What the fuck are you doing? Will you kill the motherfucker so we can get the hell out of this shithole!
Natalie Hegalhuzen: Tell me about yourself?
Brand Hauser: I'm just doing this gig, trying to make the best of a bad situation, looking for redemption in all the wrong places. Stop me now if I'm rambling.
Natalie Hegalhuzen: Okay, stop.
Brand Hauser: I feel...
GuideStar: Go on.
Brand Hauser: ...like a refugee from the Island of Dr. Moreau. Some morally inverted, twisted character from a Céline novel. The hot sauce helps.
Natalie Hegalhuzen: Don't look at me!
Brand Hauser: I like looking at you.
GuideStar: When you see something that looks like a frozen gallbladder, that's Greenland.
Walken: Every empire is summed up in Rome. The Romans, Hauser, Stewards of the human race, torchbearers of culture! You and I are centurions, honor bound to defend civilization against the barbarians!
Brand Hauser: Let's cut the shit, Walken! I like killing people as much as the next guy, but I signed up to kill the bad ones! Health clinics, trade unionists, journalists, agricultural co-ops, catholic liberation theologians, impoverished Colombian coffee farmers, these are the barbarians that are brave opponents of civilization? We turned Central America into a fuckin' graveyard! Whoever momentarily interrupts the acummulation of our wealth, we pulverize! I'm just not feeling good about that anymore, sir!
Natalie Hegalhuzen: So you want to seduce the journalist whose politics you despise?
Brand Hauser: How dare you. I have no politics.
Brand Hauser: Look, we've already kicked the shit out of this place. What are we supposed to do? Turn our backs on all the entrepreneur possibilities? Business is a uniquely human response to a moral or cosmic crisis. Whether it's a tsunami or a sustained aerial bombardment, there's the same urgent call for urban renewal.
Omar: We're in a constant state of war, Hauser. We kill our brothers, complete strangers, the guilty and the innocent. We are at war with our own hearts. Love is a cease-fire that's destined to fail. But, as I said, it does get us into tricky situations... sometimes the back of a garbage truck.
Yonica Babyyeah: Do you want massage with happy ending?
Brand Hauser: Does your father know that you talk this way?
Natalie Hegalhuzen: [upon hearing an explosion outside] When did they start attacking inside the Emerald City?
Brand Hauser: I wouldn't call that an attack.
[explosion goes off right outside office]
Brand Hauser: Technically, that was a bombing. At least it sounded like it was. Not an attack, which would imply something else.
Brand Hauser: We're excited to have you.
Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini: Don't get too excited.
Brand Hauser: I'm not that excited.
Yonica Babyyeah: This place is so sad. I love that!
Brand Hauser: There is a reason why I do this work: I don't have to feel anything.
Yonica Babyyeah: That's so fucked up.
Natalie Hegalhuzen: You know that all my writings have called this occupation a violation of international law and its practitioners are criminals?
Brand Hauser: Do you really believe all this stuff you write?
Natalie Hegalhuzen: Anyone who can causes this much mayhem when they didn't have to? The amount of suffering that I've seen?
Brand Hauser: I know. [helicoper flies overhead] [speaking on the phone] Ok. Hold on a sec. [speaking to Natalie again] But the way I look at it is this: the day we can actually feel and hear all the suffering of mankind, that's the day when "The Christ" will come back! So we got that going for us. [speaking on the phone again] I'll be out in a minute. [speaking to Natalie again] Or 'The Buddha', or Allah, whoever floats your boat.
Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini: [while in bar] Hey, who do I have to shoot to get a fucking drink around here?
Brand Hauser: [to Walken] It's going to be hard... to torture someone who's mostly dead... but I'm gonna try... to enjoy it.
Ooq-Yu-Fay Taqnufmini: [referring to son] What if we publicly remove one of his testicles?
Ooq-Mi-Fay Taqnufmini: Dad, please!
Ooq-Yu-Fay Taqnufmini: Shut up.
Brand Hauser: It's not an entirely unappealing suggestion, but I'm not sure if that really gets us where we want to go.
Brand Hauser: This little Turaqi pop star. She really disturbs me and I can't figure out why.