The Love Guru

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The Love Guru Quotes

#1
Guru Pitka: Intimacy is like putting your wiener on a table and having someone say "That looks like a penis... only smaller".
#2
Guru Pitka: Jane, the city of Toronto doesn't hate you.
Jane Bullard: Oh, yeah they do!
Guru Pitka: Uhhh, no they don't
Jane Bullard: Oh, yeah they do!
Guru Pitka: Uhhh, no they don't
Jane Bullard: Trust me, at the arena I had maintenance paint lines telling me where the crowd can't see me! You know so they don't boo me and throw stuff at my head!
#3
Guru Pitka: If your Uncle Jack helped you off an elephant, would you help your uncle jack off an elephant?
#4
Guru Pitka: [picks up Coach Cherkov] I'd like to thank the Academy. Wow, these things are heavy. Yeah.
Coach Punch Cherkov: Put me down, a-hole!
#5
Rajneesh: [answering cell phone] Dell Computers, this is Chip.
#6
Guru Pitka: Please welcome, Celine Dion!
Jacques Grande: Ah! Dis is my day of lucky!
#7
Jane Bullard: I haven't laughed like this in such a long time.
Guru Pitka: Why not?
Jane Bullard: It's hard to laugh when men just see you as some curse.
#8
Guru Pitka: Let's look at the word, guru. Ok. My goal is to get you to say "Gee You Are You", tm.
#9
Guru Pitka: I speak of Intimacy, or Into-Me-I-See
#10
Guru Pitka: Rajneesh, I'd like an alligator soup, and make it snappy. Because alligators are snappy, and at the same time, I want it prompt.
#11
Jacques Grande: Ding Dong. Did someone order the special Quebec pizza huh? You know, like in the porno.
#12
[repeated line]
Guru Pitka: Marishka Hargitay.
#13
Darren Roanoke: How can you be the Love Guru if you've never been in a relationship?
Guru Pitka: Well, there is someone I like. But until I learn to love myself, I can only go out with three girls named Ann.
Darren Roanoke: Three girls named Ann?
Guru Pitka: Yeah. Ann Visible, Ann Flatable, and Ann Job.
#14
Guru Pitka: It's a problem. Even Jay-Zed had 99 of them, and the bitch was not one of them!
#15
Jay Kell: [from trailer] That is going to knock some change out of his coin purse!
#16
Coach Punch Cherkov: If I sit like this any longer, I'm gonna pop my dink bag.
#17
Guru Pitka: Tickle, tickle... Break the pickle.
#18
Darren Roanoke: [about his suit] What's wrong with shark skin?
Guru Pitka: More like gay-skin, how about. What? Yeah.
#19
Coach Punch Cherkov: What's the capital of Thailand?
Guru Pitka: Bangkok.
Coach Punch Cherkov: Exactly.

[punches Pitka in his groin]
Guru Pitka: Omar Sharif, my balls!
#20
Prudence Roanoke: [about Darren] Do you think he's really changed? I mean, he can't even play in front of his own mother. She's like kryptonite to him.