The Lonely Guy
Larry Hubbard: You know, the guys who always keep their hair are the guys who have no use for it at all, they're not trying to impress anybody.
Warren Evans: Who's that?
Larry Hubbard: Like bums. You ever seen a bald bum? They always have a beautiful head of hair.
Warren Evans: Why is that?
Larry Hubbard: I think it's because they never wash it. It's the only time you ever see your hair fall out is after you take your shower and you wash your hair, there's a bunch of hair laying there.
Warren Evans: You mean if I'd never washed my hair, I'd have a full head of hair?
Larry Hubbard: Of course, they could lose their hair, too. Maybe it just stays in.
Warren Evans: It's just locked in there. If they ever washed it, they could be bald bums.
Larry Hubbard: [Larry is out jogging, his clothes soaked in sweat] I'm not really jogging. I only ran about fifty yards. This is not real sweat, either. I sprayed it on. They sell this at sporting goods stores. It's made from the actual sweat of professional athletes. This was taken from a Boston Celtics basketball player immediately after a double overtime game.
Subway Gang Member: Man you are one bad backwards writer.
Larry Hubbard: Thanks. [tosses can back]
Bridge Jumper #2: Excuse me, are you using this railing?
Warren Evans: No, go ahead.
Bridge Jumper #2: Thanks. [gets on railing and jumps off bridge] Ahhhhhhhhh!
Warren Evans: My girl Melanie just left me.
Larry Hubbard: What'd she leave you for?
Warren Evans: She came home last night, found some guy robbing her apartment. They just hit it off.
Larry Hubbard: Gee, that sounds tough.
Warren Evans: It *was* tough. It's probably for the best. She's really started to let herself go. Drank a lot, never bathed, fat.
Larry Hubbard: Hey, don't worry. You'll meet another girl.
Warren Evans: Not like Melanie.
Greeting Card Supervisor: [reading Larry's greeting card] Will you be my valentine? Think about it a bit. If yes then good, if not, who gives a shit?
Narrator: ...and Larry Hubbard.
Larry Hubbard: That's me, fifth one back. I can't take it over now.
Narrator: Oh, all right.
Jimmy Carter Look Alike: Could you just sign it, "To Jimmy"?
Larry Hubbard: Sure.
Iris: I'm crazy about you Larry.
Larry Hubbard: I'm crazy about you too Iris.
Larry Hubbard: How long were you and Marty married?
Iris: Oh, not long. I found out he was having an affair with a ballet dancer.
Larry Hubbard: A dancer. Now this may sound silly, but by any chance that dancer wasn't named Danielle?
Iris: No, no. *Raul*.
Lonely Cop: Listen, I really don't have to use the can I just want to ask you, where do you get these things?
[the cardboard people]
Lonely Cop: They're fantastic?
Larry Hubbard: You mean you're a...
Lonely Cop: Yeah, a lonely cop.
Larry Hubbard: A lonely cop? Aww. You get them at The Lonely Guy's store at 81st and Lex.
Lonely Cop: Do they have Gene Hackman?
Larry Hubbard: Uh,
[to Warren who's in the kitchen]
Larry Hubbard: Hey Warren! Does The Lonely Guy's store have Gene Hackman?
Warren Evans: Yeah, but you have to order him one week before shipping!
Larry Hubbard: [narrating] If you like to play fetch don't get a fast dog. All they want to do is show off and they don't care about your stick. If they don't comeback by sundown you're out three hundred dollars.
Larry Hubbard: Want to go out some time?
Rental Agent: I'm a man.
Larry Hubbard: I mean, this is really getting drastic. I don't have anything in my place, I just left with a suitcase. I lost my comb. This morning, I had to brush my hair with my toothbrush. I mean, I cleaned it out really good so I feel more comfortable, but it takes about twenty minutes. Does it look okay?
Warren Evans: No, it looks good, I was just thinking about how good it looks.
Larry Hubbard: I think it looks good... I should get a comb.
Larry Hubbard: [Larry meets a woman at a singles bar] Oh, I hate these places. Don't you? It's like, most of these guys are just here for one thing. I guess I want to meet someone I can talk to, just get to know. And go to dinners with, and museums, art galleries. I think what I'm looking for is more of a *real* relationship.
Brenda, Girl in Bar: Oh, that's great, Larry. But I just came here to get laid.
Larry Hubbard: You're making a big mistake! This man is not for you!
[bride and groom turn around and Larry realizes it's not Iris and Jack]
Allison the Bride: He's right!
[throws down flowers]
Larry Hubbard: [to man] Isn't this First Presbyterian?
Guest in Church: No, Third Methodist.
Larry Hubbard: Grrrr!
Warren Evans: I don't like to take naps. I don't like to wake up more than once a day. 'Cause when I first wake up I get that shock of who I am and everything. I... I really don't like to do that more than once a day.
Larry Hubbard: Ya.
Warren Evans: You know what gets me? I go to get a haircut, they charge me, like, four bucks, which is the same amount of money they would charge anybody to come in. But say a guy like Michael Landon goes into the shop where I go, they would charge him four bucks, yet he's got, like, a hundred times more hair than I do. By rights, they should be charging Michael Landon like four hundred dollars.
Larry Hubbard: Yeah, but they don't charge you by how much hair you've got. They're paid to make it look good with what you've got.
Warren Evans: Well, I don't even know if they've done *that*.
Jack Fenwick: Hey, say hello to my wife, Verna.
Verna Fenwick: Hello.
Larry Hubbard: Hi.
Jack Fenwick: And this is my girlfriend Frieda.
Frieda, Jack's Mistress: Hi, nice to meet you.
Larry Hubbard: Nice to meet you.
Jack Fenwick: We got a little apartment here on the West Side. One big room, and a 40-foot mattress.
Warren Evans: I remember after I saw Rocky, I ran out in the park jogging, shadow boxing. Some guy came up to me and punched me right in the face.