The 40 Year Old Virgin

Add to My Movies

The 40 Year Old Virgin Quotes

#1
Cal: Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit, okay? Here, tell me. Tell me. This is how it's gonna go. Tell me.
Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin.
Cal: Sweet! I like that because I know you don't have... chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean, that shit is everywhere.
#2
Andy Stitzer: [after having wax ripped the hair from his nipple] Oh, nipplefuck!
#3
Cal: I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.
#4
Beth: I'd like to introduce you to my friend. [Shows him a vibrating shower head]
Andy Stitzer: Your friend is so shiny.
#5
Andy Stitzer: [just had chest hair ripped off by waxing lady] Fuuuuck! I *hate* you!
Waxing Lady: Sorry.
Andy Stitzer: [calms down very quickly] Gosh, I am so sorry. I usually don't curse.
#6
Beth: We could do it in the... butt, if you want.
Andy Stitzer: But if I want what?
Beth: You know... butt!
Andy Stitzer: But... what?
#7
[while watching Jay's girlfriend's ultrasound]
Andy Stitzer: Is this the movie about babies that are geniuses?
#8
Andy Stitzer: I'm gonna tell her.
Cal: You should totally tell her.
Andy Stitzer: I'm going to.
Cal: 'Cause I watched this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, "*Don't* lie." And that was a smart movie.
#9
Andy Stitzer: [arguing with David] I have a very fulfilling life!

[cuts to Andy playing the Tuba]
Andy Stitzer: [cuts to Andy painting one of his soldier toy figures] Now, I'm going to make your silver pants, blue!
Andy Stitzer: [cuts to Andy playing a Tony Hawk Pro Skater game in his control chair] Get some roadburn! COME ON SUCKER!
Andy Stitzer: [cuts to Andy singing on a kareoke machine] "Now pretty ladies, around the word. Got a [squeaky voice] 'Weird' thing to show ya"
Andy Stitzer: [cuts to Andy reading a comic book] [laughs] Oh my god...

[cuts to Andy playing the Tuba again]
#10
Nicky: You have really kind eyes, you know that?
Andy Stitzer: Thanks. Umm... your hat has sequins.
#11
Cal: [of his first thoughts on Andy] I kinda thought you were a serial killer.
Andy Stitzer: Oh.

[chuckles]
Cal: No, I'm serious.
#12
Andy Stitzer: You guys, she's picking me up in an hour.
David: Oh, drag, dude.
Cal: She's picking you up from here?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: That's fucked up, man.
Andy Stitzer: Why?
Cal: Why? Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
Andy Stitzer: So what?
Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
Andy Stitzer: Okay.
Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
Andy Stitzer: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy Stitzer: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy Stitzer: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy Stitzer: They did not laugh at me.
David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy Stitzer: You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay?
Cal: First, you relax, okay?
Andy Stitzer: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.

[Trish shows up at Andy's door and the entire apartment looks abandoned]
#13
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.
#14
Mooj: Go fuck a goat.
#15
Cal: That's a good looking grandma! My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Andy Stitzer: Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Cal: No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.
#16
Nicky: [after being sick in Andy's face] I'm sorry. I'll still have sex with you if you want.
Andy Stitzer: That's OK.
#17
Nicky: I'm starvin... let's get some fuckin french toast!
#18
Trish: I'm throwing myself at you and all you can think about are fucking toys.
Andy Stitzer: They're not fucking toys! This is Ironman, okay?
#19
Cal: You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta fuck the plant.
#20
Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.
David: What?