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#1
Rose Schwartz: I'm looking at crawdad butts, cover 'em up!
#2
Ariel Maloney: Why, Bolt! I didn't realize you were here.
Bolt: Well... I am.
#3
Montana Moorehead: YOU - promised me you would get rid of Celeste. WE WERE BOTH NAKED AND YOU PROMISED! NAKED!
David Barnes: Hey! We were never naked.
Montana Moorehead: Well, we could have been!
#4
Celeste Talbert: David! David! David, David, David, David, David!
David Barnes: Hey, great scene with Bolt.
Celeste Talbert: I realize I'm not a young woman; however...
David Barnes: What do you mean, you're not...
Celeste Talbert: ...could you PLEASE point out to our new costume designer

[grabs her]
Celeste Talbert: whose name I don't quite have yet...
Tawny Miller: Tawny Miller, Miss Talbert.
Celeste Talbert: How do you do.

[to David]
Celeste Talbert: - that I don't feel quite right in a turban. What I feel like is GLORIA FUCKING SWANSON! What am I, 70, David? Am I 70? Why don't you just put me in a walker? Buy a goddamn walker and put me in it!
David Barnes: [to Tawny] You're fired.
Tawny Miller: Oh God.
David Barnes: I'm just kidding.

[into PA system]
David Barnes: Attention: no turbans for Miss Talbert!
#5
Celeste Talbert: Even for an actor, you're an egomaniac!
#6
[an audition]
Betsy Faye Sharon: Very, very good, Mark. And very true. I love what you're doing. I just, I think if we could try it one more time, and this time... I don't know... maybe try one without your shirt.
Mark: Sure. [Removes it and reviews the script] "Will you be having wine with dinner?"
Betsy Faye Sharon: [lustily] I think we've found our waiter!
#7
Celeste Talbert: Why are you here?
Jeffrey Anderson: This is my apartment. I live here. Why are YOU here?
#8
Jeffrey Anderson: Of course I'm an egomaniac! I have America's Sweetheart climbing up my drainpipe!
#9
Lori Craven: Celeste, I want to act!
Celeste Talbert: Don't say that, "I want to act", ever, please!
#10
Jeffrey Anderson: You have beautiful eyes.
Ariel Maloney: Ooh, they're nothing compared to my tits.
#11
David Barnes: Listen, she just won her 8th Schmenger, right? Edmund's crazy about her. She's got a lot of juice.
Montana Moorehead: Well, that's when you dump people, okay? When they're still on top, before they lose their popularity and drag the show down with them.
#12
Lori Craven: [bursting into David's office] We need to talk. Look, I don't care WHAT Tawny Miller says. This hat makes me look like the GOD damned Tweety Bird. [to Montana] Do you mind?
Montana Moorehead: You, you're asking me to leave?
Lori Craven: That's right. I'm asking you to leave.
Montana Moorehead: David...
David Barnes: Miss Moorehead, may Miss Craven and I have a moment alone, please?
Montana Moorehead: No problem. I'm a professional. I do things professionally. [storms out] [from off stage] I hate you! I hate you, you pig!
David Barnes: She's got a lot of spirit.
Lori Craven: She's a deranged bitch!
#13
Celeste Talbert: I'm not a genius. I'm just a working actress.
#14
Celeste Talbert: [accepting an award] Ohhh, there's so many people to thank. First of all, my fabulous supporting cast, who gives a new meaning to the word "support"...

[At their table]
Ariel Maloney: Bitch!
David Barnes: Hag!
Montana Moorehead: I hate her so much!
#15
Lori Craven: Hi. Uh, I'm Lori Craven and... I'm an actress.
Betsy Faye Sharon: An actress! Really! How nice for you! I'm Betsy Faye Sharon and I'm a bitch. Now get out of here.
#16
Rose Schwartz: Actors don't like to play coma. They feel it limits their range.
#17
Rose Schwartz: The guy was killed in an auto accident! I looked it up! He was driving in the Yukon, in a pink convertible, to visit his brother who's an ex-con named Frances, when a tractor trailer comes along and decapitates him. You know what that mean, it means he doesn't have a head. How am I suppose to write for a guy who doesn't have a head? He's got no lips, no vocal cords. What do you want me to do?
#18
Nurse Nan: Sudden speech, the last sign of brain fever. She could blow at any moment!
#19
David Barnes: I was under orders.
Celeste Talbert: So - was - Hitler! Oh, no, I don't mean Hitler, I mean the other guy, the other one.
David Barnes: Himmler.
Celeste Talbert: No, no, no.
David Barnes: Hess.
Rose Schwartz: Eichmann.
David Barnes: Eichmann.
#20
Celeste Talbert: I never said I was the best mother in the world. Give me a little credit, will you, credit for being someone who tried... to love you the only way she knew how?
Lori Craven: I know that speech.
Celeste Talbert: You do?
Lori Craven: Yeah, it was the, uh, the Thanksgiving show, when Maggie meets Bolt's blind nephew.