#1 Coach Brakett: [regarding Miss Honeywell] Oh boy, would I like to get next to that. Coach Warren: Ah yes, Lassie. Coach Brakett: Lassie? Coach Warren: Patience my boy, patience. Coach Brakett: Why do they call her Lassie? Coach Warren: Why do you think? Coach Brakett: I dunno. Coach Warren: Awooooooo. Coach Brakett: You callin' her a dog? That's angel food cake. Coach Warren: Well, what can I tell ya? Coach Brakett: You can tell me why they call her Lassie. Coach Warren: Just get her up in the equipment room, and you'll find out. But beware of King Kong.
#2 Brian Schwartz: When you're Jewish you either learn to fight, or you take a lotta shit. I don't like to take shit
#3 Tommy Turner: Jesus Christ! It's the mother lode. Billy: I never seen so much wool. You could knit a sweater. Tommy Turner: This has gotta be the biggest beaver shoot in the history of Florida.
#4 Mickey: Uh, barkeep, I'd like to speak with Porky. Bartender: Porky's busy. Mickey: Yeah, well he ain't too busy for what I want. I want to pay for some pussy. Bartender: Pay me. Mickey: [Firmly] I want to talk to Porky. Bartender: [Shrugs] Okay, if that's what you want. [Walks off laughing softly] Mickey: [to the gang] See? You just got to show them who's boss.
#5 [in a high-pitched falsetto voice] Tommy Turner: Hi I'm Paulie the Penis. And I just love to have fun. Ha Ha Ha.
#6 Pee Wee Morris: GOD DAMN IT! WILL YOU MOVE IT, YOU LARD ASS?
#7 Wendy: Is Mike Hunt here? Has anyone seen Mike Hunt? Meat: Everybody in town, from what I hear.
#8 [introducing Cherry to the boys one by one] Tommy Turner: And this is the *pride* of Angel Beach. Anthony Tuperello, affectionately known as *Meat*. Cherry Forever: Oh, my God. The boy's deformed!
[laughter from the guys]
#9 Coach Brakett: She's a virgin. Coach Goodenough: Yeah, and the Pope's Jewish.
#10 Balbricker: Now, Mr. Carter. I know this is completely unorthodox. But I think this is the only way to find that boy. Now that penis had a mole on it - I'd recognize that penis anywhere. In spite of the juvenile snickers of some, this is a serious matter. That seducer and despoiler must be stopped; he's extremely dangerous. And, Mr. Carter, I'm certain that everyone in this room knows who that is. He's a contemptible little pervert who... Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker! Balbricker: Well, I'm sorry, but I've got him now, and I'm not going to let him slip through my fingers again. Now, all I'm asking is that you give me five boys for a few minutes. The coaches can be present - Tommy Turner and any four boys you see fit to choose and we... and we... can put a stop to this menace. And it is a menace.
[pause] Balbricker: Well, what are you gonna do about it? Mr. Carter: Five young boys in the nude, a police line-up so that you can identify his tallywhacker. Please, please can we call it a "tallywhacker"? Penis is so ppp... penis is so personal. Balbricker: We can put hoods over their heads to avoid embarrassment. Now listen: we have got to do it, as distasteful as it is. I know it's him. That
[pause] Balbricker: tallywhacker had a mole on it. And that mole is the key to it. Mr. Carter: Miss Balbricker, do you realize the difficulty of your request? Now, I would be very happy to, uh, to apprehend the young man myself. But can you imagine what the board of education would say if you were granted a line-up in order to examine their private pa... their private parts for an incriminating mole? Balbricker: But Mr. Carter. Coach Brakett: Mr. Carter, I think I have a way out of this. We, uh, call the police, and we have 'em send over one of their sketch artists. And Miss Balbricker can give a description. We can put up "Wanted" posters all over school... "Have you seen this prick? Report immediately to Beulah Balbricker. Do not attempt to apprehend this prick, as it is armed and dangerous. It was last seen hanging out in the girls' locker room at Angel Beach High School."
#11 Pee Wee Morris: [to Tommy, about the normal-sized condom he was given] It's too big. [Everybody else laughs] Tommy Turner: Peewee, we don't have any training rubbers. Mickey: He needs the junior size. Brian Schwartz: [Seriously] Peewee, tie a knot in it. Meat: [as Peewee is given another condom and he returns to the bus] Hey Peewee, what do you think this is? The return desk at Macys?
#12 Tommy Turner: Porky is a badass redneck!
#13 Tim: [pushing Brian out of his father's site and taking his place] Get outta here. Mr. Cavanaugh: What? Tim: You heard what I said. Mr. Cavanaugh: Well, who ya talking to, boy? Tim: [relaxing] Trash. Pure trash. Mr. Cavanaugh: Now, son, that's no way to talk to your pa. Tim: [looks back at everyone else watching then back at him] You know, I really wish you hadn't said that, because you don't know how humiliating it is to have anyone even know you're my pa. [get's smacked hard across the face. Meat is now trying to get at Tim's father but is being held back by everyone. Yelling back to Meat] Stay out of this! [back to his father] You make sure you're finished, because this is going to be the last time you ever lay a hand on me again, you SON OF A BITCH! [is taken up against the wall and smacked repeatedly]
#14 Mr. Cavanaugh: Look's like I'm gonna make a man out of you yet, boy. Tim: A man? If being a man means being what you are, I'd rather be queer.
#15 Billy: Cherry, this is Pee Wee. Cherry Forever: I'll say. What do you use for a jockstrap, kid? A peanut shell and a rubber band? [laughter from the other guys] Cherry Forever: [to Billy] You know we'd better tie a board across his ass, or he's liable to fall in. [more laughter in background] Cherry Forever: [to Pee Wee] Save your energy, needle dick. You're gonna need it. Pee Wee Morris: [giggling] OK.
#16 Tommy Turner: [to the rest of the guys at Cherry Forever's house] Okay, Cherry's ready. Everyone get their clothes off. Tim: Wait. What's this bullshit? Billy: She's got to make sure everybody clean. No VD. Steve: How's she going to tell that by looking at us? Tommy Turner: She's done this so many times, she's practically a doctor. Tim: Yeah, and who's going to inspect her? [murmurs of agreement from the rest of the guys] Billy: Look, you guys want to get laid or have a debate? Pee Wee Morris: Okay, I'm ready! [they turn to see Pee-Wee wasted no time stripping down, then laughter of all kinds go through the crowd, which Pee-Wee ignores] I'm gonna get laid. Yes, Virginia. There is a Santa Claus.
#17 Billy: [trying to warn Pee Wee about Cherry Forever] She's married to some big black stud and he's gonna cut your pecker off. Tommy Turner: Yeah, I hear he's packing tweezers.
#18 Balbricker: [Balbricker has a strong grip on Tommy Turner's penis through the shower room wall] Balbricker: I've got you *NOW*, TOMMY TURNER! And I'm taking you to the principal! Somebody get me the principal! Mr. Carter! Somebody get me the principal! Balbricker: [Tommy is struggling to get free] You disgusting, little, filthy, *pervert*!
[Tommy finally gets free and gets out of there] Balbricker: [through the wall] You *freak*! You filthy little pervert. I know you're in there. You dirty little *dickhead*!
#19 Coach Brakett: That's angel food cake. You touch her and the Food and Drug Administration will get ya for fucking food.
#20 Sheriff Wallace: What's goin' on here, Pork? Porky: I was jus' givin' the place an enema and this pile uh shit floated to the surface.
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