Meet the Parents
[Greg is sitting in the dark. Pam walks in to check on him]
Pam Byrnes: What's the matter sweetie? Can't sleep?
Greg Focker: No, no. I was just going over my answers to the polygraph test your dad just gave me.
Norm: I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.
Greg Focker: I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...
Norm: You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.
Greg Focker: No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
Norm: But you said bomb.
Greg Focker: I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".
Norm: You said "Bomb" on an airplane.
Greg Focker: What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?
Norm: You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!
Greg Focker: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!
Norm: You assaulted an airline employee and I oughta put you away for years!
Flight Attendant: Sir, we have a policy on this airline that if a bag is this large we take...
Greg Focker: okay you know what, take you scrubby little paws *off* my bag, okay? It's not like I have a bomb in here. It's not like I wanna blow up the plane. I just want to store my bag according to your safety regulations.
Flight Attendant: Sir, sir!
Greg Focker: Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
Jack Byrnes: I mean, can you really trust another human being, Greg?
Greg Focker: Yeah, I think so.
Jack Byrnes: No. The answer is you can not.
Greg Focker: This handles like a dream.
Larry: Let's not make it a nightmare.
Jack Byrnes: "My Mother", by Jack Byrnes. You gave me life, / You gave me milk, / You gave me courage. / Your name was Angela, / An angel from Heaven, / But you were also an angel of God, / And he needed you, too. / I selfishly tried to hold on to you, / While the cancer ate away at your organs, / Like an unstoppable rebel force, / And now we'll meet in Heaven, / And I shall see you / Nevermore, nevermore, nevermore.
Pam Byrnes: Dad, that's beautiful.
Greg Focker: That's amazing, so much love, and also so much information.
Deborah Byrnes: No. We are not gonna postpone the rehearsal for some stupid cat.
Jack Byrnes: Stupid cat? How can you say that? That cat's been like a brother to you. And we're supposed to just let him wander the streets without food, water or toilet?
[looking around the house]
Jack Byrnes: Denny. DENNY?
Denny Byrnes: Right here, dad.
Jack Byrnes: Okay, you're subbing for the cat today.
Denny Byrnes: Oh no, I'm not wearing that stupid pillow thing on my head.
Jack Byrnes: Oh yes you damn well will!
Greg Focker: It's beautiful... what is it?
Kevin: It's an altar; or you might call it a HHH... Chupah?
Pam Byrnes: I had no idea you could milk a cat!
Greg Focker: Oh, you can milk just about anything with nipples.
Jack Byrnes: [He reacts] I have nipples, Greg, could you milk me?
Jack Byrnes: Oh, geez. I just thought of something.
Dina Byrnes: What?
Jack Byrnes: Pam's middle name.
Dina Byrnes: Martha... Oh, no.
Jack Byrnes, Dina Byrnes: Pamela Martha Focker.
Jack Byrnes: Trust me, Greg, when you start having little Fockers running around, you'll feel the need for this type of security.
Jack Byrnes: If I set you up, do you think you can spike it, Focker?
Greg Focker: Well, I would have to get pretty high.
Jack Byrnes: I bet you would, Panama Red.
Jack Byrnes: Greg's in medicine too.
Bob Banks: What field?
Greg Focker: Nursing.
Bob Banks: Ha ha ha ha. No, really, what field are you in?
Greg Focker: Nursing.
Greg Focker: Oh, oh check my pulse on this one, Jack. Do I think you're a psycho? Yes.
Jack Byrnes: I guess the only thing to do now is meet his parents. I'm sure they're decent people. I mean they gotta be if they named their son Gaylord Focker.
Jack Byrnes: Have you ever watched pornographic videos?
Greg Focker: No.
Jack Byrnes: [to Greg] Oh, come on. We'll have some fun.
Kevin: There he is. Okay, G-Man, we've got swordfish and we've got salmon, what'll it be?
Greg Focker: How 'bout a little of both, K-Dog, I'm pretty hungry.
Jack Byrnes: I think they call that the 'munchies'.
[Greg is trying to fit his large bag into the overhead bin]
Flight Attendant: I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna have to check that.
Greg Focker: I got it.
Flight Attendant: No, I'm sorry, that bag won't fit.
Greg Focker: No, no, I'm not - hey, I'm not checking my bag, okay?
Flight Attendant: There's no need to raise your voice, sir.
Greg Focker: I'm not raising my voice. THIS WOULD BE RAISING MY VOICE TO YOU, okay? I don't want to check my bag, okay? And, by the way, your airline? You SUCK at checking bags, okay, because I already did that once and you lost it, and then I had everything screwed up very badly for me, okay?
Flight Attendant: Well, I can assure you that your bag will be placed safely below deck with the other luggage...
Greg Focker: Oh, yeah? How do you know my bag will be safe below with the other luggage? Huh? Are you physically going to take my bag and put it beneath the plane? Are you going to go right now outside, with the guys with the earmuffs, and go put it in there?
Flight Attendant: No...
Greg Focker: No? Okay, then shut your piehole and listen to me when I say that I am FINISHED with the checking-of-the-bags CONVERSATION.
Jack Byrnes: Did you flush this toilet?
Greg Focker: Maybe... You know what, maybe Jinx flushed it. I saw little Jinxy in there last night and he took a squatted... relieved himself.
Jack Byrnes: Jinx knows not to use that toilet and even if he did, he'd never flush it.
Greg Focker: What does it matter?
Jack Byrnes: The matter, Greg RN, is that when this toilet is flushed, it runs, and when you have a septic tank that's nearly full and a toilet that's been running all night, then you could have a hell of a problem.