#1 Matilda: We'll wait until she's gone, then we'll go get your doll. Jenny: What? Matilda: Just kidding.
#2 Agatha Trunchbull: Useless, flamin' car! Wormwood! Sell me a lemon? You're heading for the choky, young lady! Matilda: Choky? Agatha Trunchbull: Teach you a lesson! Matilda: What lesson? Agatha Trunchbull: You and your father think you can make a fool out of me! Matilda: My father? Agatha Trunchbull: The guy with the stupid haircut! Matilda: I'm nothing like my father. Agatha Trunchbull: You're the spitting image. The apple never rots far from the tree!
#3 Million $ Sticky Host: For those idiots out there who don't know how to play, here's how it goes. For each correct answer, they'll move one step closer to our Cube of Cash. Once in our Cube of Cash, any money that sticks to your gooey body, you get to take home!
#4 Agatha Trunchbull: I need a car, inexpensive but reliable. Can you service me? Harry Wormwood: In a manner of speaking, yes. Uh, welcome to Wormwood Motors. Harry Wormwood, owner, founder, whatever. Agatha Trunchbull: Agatha Trunchbull, principal, Crunchem Hall Elementary School. Harry Wormwood: Huh. Agatha Trunchbull: I warn you, sir, I want a tight car, because I run a tight ship. Harry Wormwood: Oh yeah, huh, well, uh... Agatha Trunchbull: My school is a model of discipline! Use the rod, beat the child, that's my motto. Harry Wormwood: Terrific motto! Agatha Trunchbull: You have brats yourself? Harry Wormwood: Yeah, I got a boy, Mikey, and one mis-*take*, Matilda. Agatha Trunchbull: They're all mistakes, children! Filthy, nasty things. Glad I never was one.
#5 Agatha Trunchbull: [pointing her riding crop at Amanda] Can you spell? Amanda Thripp: Miss Honey taught us how to spell a long word yesterday. We can spell "difficulty". Agatha Trunchbull: You couldn't spell "difficulty" if your life depended on it. Amanda Thripp: She taught us with a poem. Agatha Trunchbull: [mimicking Amanda with a high-pitched tone] A poem? How sweet. What poem would that be? Amanda Thripp: Mrs. D, Mrs. I...
[everyone in the room except Miss Trunchbull and Miss Honey join in] Amanda Thripp: [chanting with the rest of the class] Mrs. F-F-I. Mrs. C, Mrs. U., Mrs. L-T-Y! Agatha Trunchbull: [strikes a desktop with her riding crop and all the children instantly face forward] WHY ARE ALL THESE WOMEN MARRIED?
[moves between the desks] Agatha Trunchbull: Mrs. D? Mrs. I? You're supposed to be teaching SPELLING! Not poetry! [whacks the desk again with her riding crop]
#6 Matilda: Daddy, you're a crook. Harry Wormwood: What? Matilda: This is illegal. Harry Wormwood: [hands the car drill to Mikey, then walks to Matilda] You make money? Do you have a job? Matilda: No, but don't people need good cars? Can't you sell good cars, Dad? Harry Wormwood: Listen, you little wiseacre: I'm smart; you're dumb; I'm big, you're little; I'm right, you're wrong, and there's nothing you can do about it.
#7 Harry Wormwood: [to Matilda, after deliberately destroying her book] I'm fed up with all this reading! You're a Wormwood; you start acting like one!
#8 Jenny: Matilda, you promised me you wouldn't go back in that house again. Matilda: I didn't, I was on the garage roof.
[whispering] Matilda: I did it with my powers.
#9 Harry Wormwood: A book? What do you want a book for? Matilda: To read. Harry Wormwood: To read? Why would you want to read when you got the television set sitting right in front of you? There's nothing you can get from a book that you can't get from a television faster.
#10 Matilda: No more Miss Nice Girl!
#11 Narrator: Dirty dealings, like buying stolen car parts, never stay secret for long, especially when the FBI gets involved. FBI Agent Bob: [into recorder] 9:17, suspect exits domicile. FBI Agent Bill: I've got 9:18. FBI Agent Bob: [into recorder] 9:17 is correct.
#12 Agatha Trunchbull: I have never been able to understand why small children are so disgusting. They're the bane of my life. They're like insects: they should be got rid of as early as possible.
[makes spraying gesture] Agatha Trunchbull: Psst! My idea of a perfect school is one in which there are no children... at all. Wouldn't you agree, Miss Honey? [Miss Honey briefly nods yes as she leaves to rescue Matilda from the Chokey]
#13 Agatha Trunchbull: Amanda Thripp! Amanda Thripp: Yes, Miss Trunchbull? Agatha Trunchbull: What are those? Amanda Thripp: What's what, Ms. Trunchbull? Agatha Trunchbull: Hanging down by your ears. Amanda Thripp: You mean my pigtails? Agatha Trunchbull: Are you a pig, Amanda? Amanda Thripp: *No*, Ms. Trunchbull. Agatha Trunchbull: Do I allow pigs in my school? Amanda Thripp: My mommy thinks they're sweet. Agatha Trunchbull: [bends down] Your mommy... is a TWIT!
#14 Matilda: This is the cottage from your story! Jenny: Yes. Matilda: The young woman is you! Jenny: Yes. Matilda: But then... No. Jenny: Yes. Aunt Trunchbull.
#15 Matilda: I love it here! I love my school... it isn't fair! Miss Honey, please don't let them... Harry Wormwood: [interrupting] Get in the car, Melinda! Matilda: Matilda! Harry Wormwood: Whatever. Matilda: I want to stay with Miss Honey. Zinnia Wormwood: Miss Honey doesn't want you. Why would she want some snotty, disobedient kid? Jenny: Because she's a spectacularly wonderful child and I love her. Matilda: Adopt me, Miss Honey! You can adopt me. Harry Wormwood: Look, I don't have time for all these legalities! Matilda: One second, Dad. I have the adoption papers. Zinnia Wormwood: What? Where did you get those? Matilda: From a book in the library. I've had them since I was big enough to Xerox.
#16 Harry Wormwood: From now on, this family does *exactly* what I say, when exactly, when I say it! [turns off his lamp] And right now, we are eating dinner and watching TV!
#17 Agatha Trunchbull: I cannot for the life of me understand why small children take so long to grow up. I think they do it deliberately, just to annoy me.
#18 [the Trunchbull's car, sold to her by Harry Wormwood, has broken down, forcing her to haul it all the way back to her house] Agatha Trunchbull: [yells] Aaaargh! Crush that little weasel!
#19 Agatha Trunchbull: You filthy ahh, crush the little weasel! Agatha Trunchbull: [On the phone] Wormwood! You useless, used-car-salesman scum! I want you around here now with another car! Yes, I know what caveat emptor means, you low life liar! I'm gonna sue you. I'm gonna burn down your showroom! I'm gonna take that no-good jalopy you sold me and shove it up your bazooga! When I'm finished with you, you're gonna look like roadkill!
#20 Narrator: Everyone is born, but not everyone is born the same. Some will grow to be butchers, or bakers, or candlestick makers. Some will only be really good at making Jell-O salad. One way or another, though, every human being is unique, for better or for worse. [Harry takes his first look at Matilda, grunts, and leaves] Most parents believe their children are the most beautiful creatures ever to grace the planet. Others take a less emotional approach. [Harry and Zinnia are leaving the hospital with the baby] Harry Wormwood: What a waste of time! Zinnia Wormwood: And painful! Harry Wormwood: And expensive, $9.25 for a bar of soap? Zinnia Wormwood: Well I had to take a shower, Harry! Harry Wormwood: $5,000? I'm not paying it. What're they going to do, repossess the kid?