Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events Quotes
Lemony Snicket: [the Littlest Elf has just come to an abrupt halt] I'm sorry to say that this is not the movie you will be watching. The movie you are about to see is extremely unpleasant. If you wish to see a film about a happy little elf, I'm sure there is still plenty of seating in theatre number two. However, if you like stories about clever and reasonably attractive orphans, suspicious fires, carnivorous leeches, Italian food and secret organizations, then stay, as I retrace each and every one of the Baudelaire children's woeful steps. My name is Lemony Snicket, and it is my sad duty to document this tale.
Mr. Poe: Count Olaf? What are you doing here?
The Detective: Please, Mr. Poe. [to Olaf] Count Olaf, what are you doing here, man?
[about Aunt Josephine's deceased husband, Ike]
Klaus Baudelaire: Did Ike die in a fire?
Aunt Josephine: No, no, silly boy... he was eaten by leeches.
Sunny: [non-subtitled] Okay
Count Olaf: I must say, you are a gloomy looking bunch. Why so glum?
Klaus Baudelaire: ...Our parents just died.
Count Olaf: Ah yes, of course. How very, very awful. Wait! Let me do that one more time. Give me the line again! Quickly, while it's fresh in my mind!
Klaus Baudelaire: [uncertainly] Our parents just died?
Count Olaf: [gasps dramatically]
Sunny: [in baby talk] What a schmuck!
Count Olaf: This... is a little piece I like to call, "The Electric Chair". [Sits in a chair. Everybody stares at him, while nothing happens]
Count Olaf: [Country/Redneck accent] I think ya' might have t' turn it up!
Count Olaf: [Regular accent] I mean that... [Pretending to be electrified] DAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Count Olaf: [speaking to Klaus] Why, you little...
Sunny: [bites him] [speaking baby talk] Back off, Parrot Face!
Count Olaf: Ohhhh! [gasping]
Sunny: [baby talk] I'll bite higher!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish]
Sunny: [baby talk] Don't mock me!
Count Olaf: [speaks gibberish again]
Sunny: [baby talk] Wow, you *are* nuts.
[Olaf is about to enter the store, leaving the kids in the car]
Count Olaf: [to Violet] Soda.
Count Olaf: [to Klaus] Soda.
Count Olaf: [to Sunny] Banana.
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Bite me.
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] I don't know if you've ever noticed this, but first impressions are often entirely wrong. For instance: Klaus, when Sunny was born, didn't like her at all; but by the time she was six weeks old, the two of them were as thick as thieves - a phrase which here means "fetching and biting for hours on end". In the case of Count Olaf, however...
Count Olaf: Orphans!
Lemony Snicket: [narrating]... they were correct.
Count Olaf: [meeting the children for the first time] Ah! My dear...
[looks at stick figures of children with names on his hands]
Count Olaf: Violet. Enchantée!
Violet Baudelaire: Uh... how do you do?
Count Olaf: And this must be Klaus! Young Klaus! Your left side is the good one. [looks with disgust at Sunny] And... what is *this*?
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] I'm Sunny!
Count Olaf: I'm sorry. I don't speak monkey.
Mr. Poe: ...So I'm taking you to live with your dear Count Olaf, who resides right here in the city just 37 blocks away.
Klaus Baudelaire: I don't think that's what "closest" is supposed to mean.
Violet Baudelaire: We don't know a Count Olaf.
Mr. Poe: Yes, yes, of course you do. He's either your third cousin four times removed or your forth cousin three times removed.
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Someone's BRAIN'S been removed!
Violet Baudelaire: Sunny!
Count Olaf: [Coaching the Person of Intermediate Gender] The answer "Liza" within you.
The Critic: So, you wanna get some Chinese after the show?
The Detective: Yeah, let's get them!
The Critic: I meant food.
Klaus Baudelaire: These things don't just happen.
Sunny: [subtitled baby talk] Someone's been to crazy town.
Klaus Baudelaire: Do you think anything will ever feel like home again? [Violet ties up her hair]
Lemony Snicket: [narrating] Sanctuary... is a word which here means a small, safe place in a troubling world. Like an oasis in a vast desert or an island in a stormy sea.
Violet Baudelaire: We are very concerned.
Violet Baudelaire: It's the letter! The letter that never came! [reading] 'Dearest children - since we've been abroad we have missed you all so much. Certain events have compelled us to extend our travels. One day, when you're older, you will learn all about the people we have befriended and the dangers we have faced. At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place, but believe us when we say that there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events may, in fact, be the first steps of a journey. We hope to have you back in our arms soon, darlings, but in case this letter arrives before our return, know that we love you. It fills us with pride to know that no matter what happens in this life, that you three will take care of each other, with kindness and bravery and selflessness, as you always have. And remember one thing, my darlings, and never forget it: that no matter where we are, know that as long as you have each other, you have your family. And you are home.'
Count Olaf: [disguised as Sailor Sham, a peg-legged sailor] Sure, I get the good parking spots, but who could love a man with one leg and a face like a hen's arse?
Count Olaf: [pretending to cry] Take them Mr. Poe, before I lose it big time.
Count Olaf: I will raise these orphans as if they were actually wanted!