Keeping the Faith
Rachel Rose: You write all your own sermons, right?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Actually I download them off the net, there's this great site www.hotgod.com.
Rachel Rose: Really?
[Anna kicks him under the table]
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ooh hoo, no.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I don't doubt myself because of you. I feel like the best version of myself when I'm with you, and that makes me doubt everything else.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: There's a reason you gotta do your haftorah at this age.
Don: [in an thick Philipino accent] How you guys doing? I'm Don. Don, rhyme with flon. You have any question?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Yes, Yes indeed Don we do. Is this a good machine?
Don: Yeah it is good if you cheap bastard. No jus... jus doing comedy with you. That one is okay. But if you are serious about Kar'-oke.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh we are!
Don: Okay then... there is only one model for you. The AUDIO 2000. This baby got the 16-bit dual D/A converter, 3 beam checking, digital key controller, so you can change the pitch if your voice sucks. But I don't need that.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: That's nice. How much?
Don: Price is not important
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: No price is very important, actually.
Don: Okay you got me; take me away. Okay it's a lil' bit expensive. But let me tell you, it's worth it. When you sing to your girlfriend.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Uh huh.
Don: And her heart thweaaaatt-boom! fall down on the floor, you say thank you Don.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: How much does it cost, exactly?
Don: [Motions them over and begins to talk quietly in an American accent] Alright, here's the real deal. Um, I don't usually do this but you guys look like cool guys, and uh, I got a little piece of ass last night, so I am feeling extra generous.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh!
Don: I'm gonna let you guys have it for $1,300.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: $1,300?
Don: Final offer.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: uh, excuse me, I just got a little warm.
[unzips jacket to reveal priest's collar]
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: My friend, he gets, he gets a little warm.
Don: [Sees priest's collar] Oh man! What is that? What is... get out of here with that. Is that real?
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Oh yeah!
Indian Bartender: Let me guess. Your old lady got fed up because you're out here chasing the skirt so she took these little ones and left you.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: It's a little more complicated than that.
Indian Bartender: Sure it is. Everyone thinks his story is the one with a twist. Well let me tell you, I've heard just about everything there is to...
[Brian unzips his jacket, revealing his priest's collar]
Indian Bartender: Holy shit.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: Exactly.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Holy majoly!
Anna Riley: People should have to qualify to go out with you. You're too precious to be on the open market.
Anna Riley: We have a chemistry together, I can't explain it.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Well, chemistry's a funny thing.
Anna Riley: Yes, it is. Are you speaking abstractly or specifically?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Abstractly.
Indian Bartender: May those who love us, love us. And those who don't love us - may God turn their hearts. And if He cannot turn their hearts, may he turn their ankles, so that we may know them by their limping.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I'm God's consiglieri.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: You know you better not lie in here man, this is the big room! God does not look favorably on you. He has a tendancy to throw... lightning bolts at things... At liars!
Father Havel: I remember I fell in love with this girl in Prague. She was beautiful. She looked like Carol Lombard. She grabbed me in the alley behind my church, she pressed me up against the wall, she kissed me. I was so happy I thought I would die, I felt like Richard Chamberlain in "The Thorn Birds", you know with Maggie in the attic.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: You never told me this. Did anything happen between you?
Father Havel: Not really. Flirtations, little moments, but soon after the Russians invaded Czechoslovakia and I moved to the United States.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: The seven deadly sins. Who can name the seven deadly sins? People! It was a very popular film with Brad Pitt, you have the ultimate cliff note.
Anna Riley: [Brian dials Anna's phone number and hears her voice on the answering machine] Hi, this is Anna. Only three people have this number. If you're not one of them, leave me alone.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: What's the story of Sodom and Gomorrah really about? Anyone? Steve Posner.
Steve Posner: Sexual perversion.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Sexual perversion. Steve Posner's watching too much Spice Channel!
Jacob: God was showing off when he made you.
Father Havel: I have been a priest over 40 years, and I fell in love at least once every decade.
Father Brian Kilkenney Finn: I'm Irish! This is milk to me baby! Milk!
Anna Riley: I work harder than God. If He had hired me, He would have made the world by Thursday.
Ruth Schram: Now you. Anyone new in your life I should know about?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Wow, 20 minutes! I can't believe we made it this far.
Ruth Schram: It's my God-given right to check. What about the Shapiro girl.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Oh, no, not the Shapiro girl.
Ruth Schram: Why not, she was a looker.
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: It's not that, the problem was here.
Ruth Schram: What? Bad skin?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: No, not bad skin.
Ruth Schram: What then?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Ok, you want an example? I take her out to dinner, I order dessert, she says she doesn't want any, I get pecan pie. She asks me for a bite, I give her a bite, her face swells up like a chipmunk, she looks at me and says, "Oh, my God, are there nuts in this?"
Ruth Schram: So what?
Rabbi Jacob "Jake" Schram: Mom! It was pecan pie.