#1 Hotel Clerk: [pointing to his name tag, as he pulls an annoyed look] Excuse me - does this say 'Moron'?
#2 [to Frank] Molly Richardson: I'm no more a nurse than you are a human being.
#3 Bartlett: I'm sure this may come as a shock. Frank: No, shitting a sailboat is a shock, this is a fucking catastrophe!
#4 Hotel Clerk: Most of these rooms have old men with young girls, this is Washington.
#5 Uncle Joe: Where are my presents? I like presents, especially from people who love me. Joe: And who would that be?
#6 [opening the door to find Danny nude] Laura: Daniel McTeague? Daniel McTeague: No shit! That's my name too. Laura: No, I'm a private investigator. Daniel McTeague: You're a detective?
#7 Glen: We were all decent people before Uncle Joe sunk his hooks into us. Except for Frank. He was always a son of a bitch.
#8 Uncle Joe: I'm richer than shit.
#9 Frank: What's the matter with you? Are you retarded? Dennis: Not according to the tests.
#10 Robin: Danny, I love you and I believe in you. But isn't everything you're telling me a big crock of bubbling shit?
#11 Frank: Oh, my God, I feel so horrible, I could cut out my tongue. Glen: Here's a knife.
#12 Daniel McTeague: You say one more word and I'll kick your ass so high that you'll have to tare up your shirt to shit!
#13 Uncle Joe: So you're interested in money, huh? Joe: Aha. Made ten bucks just coming here.
[Uncle Joe frowns] Joe: I get another twenty if I kiss ya.
[pause] Joe: I'm thinkin' about it.
#14 Molly Richardson: Monday nights I go to this newsstand to get the new TV Guide for Joe. He likes to get it as early as possible so he can circle everything he wants to watch. Frank: Does he circle your ass?
#15 Molly Richardson: You think I'm bonking the old gent, don't you? Frank: Yeah, we do. Molly Richardson: Let me tell you something, handsome. If I were having sex with your Uncle Joe, he'd be dead by now.
#16 [Daniel, angry, throws a bowling ball out a window] Robin: You hit a car! You could've killed somebody! Daniel McTeague: The way I bowl...
#17 Glen: She's going to get everything. That's the way these old guys are. Tough as nails, biggest son of a bitch in the world, she touches his shriveled-up little noodle, and his brains turn to frozen yogurt. She'll marry him, screw him six feet into the ground and then get everything!
#18 Daniel McTeague: I had no idea just how sick you guys were. Frank: Come spend a day with us. Daniel McTeague: I'd rather shove this club up my ass. Glen: I'll do it for you.
#19 Robin: He seem nervous to you? Wayne: Couldn't pull a pin out of his ass with a tractor.
#20 Daniel McTeague: You keep your breasts off his eyebrows.