Dumb & Dumber

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Dumb & Dumber Quotes

#1
Lloyd: Why you going to the airport? Flying somewhere?
Mary: How'd you guess?
Lloyd: I saw your luggage. Then when I noticed the airline ticket, I put 2 and 2 together.
#2
Lloyd: [Harry is choking him barehanded on a picnic table in Aspen] Harry-your hands are freezing!
#3
Lloyd: So where are you headin'?
Mary: Aspen.
Lloyd: Hmmm, California! Beautiful!
#4
Lloyd: We got no food, no jobs... our PETS' HEADS ARE FALLING OFF!"
#5
Lloyd: All we need to do is show a little class, a little sophistication, and we're in like a dirty shirt.
Harry: No problem, Lloyd. We can be classy and sophistic-Oh check out the funbags on that hosehound.
Lloyd: I'd like to eat her liver with some fava beans and a nice bottle of Chianti.
#6
Lloyd: I said, "Do you love me?" and she said, "No, but that's a really nice ski mask."
#7
Harry: One time, we successfully mated a bulldog with a Shih-Tzu.
Mary: Really? That's weird.
Harry: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.
#8
Harry: Where's the booze?
Lloyd: I got robbed by a sweet old lady on a motorized cart. I didn't even see it coming.
Harry: Oh, no, no.
Lloyd: Come on, Harry.
Harry: It gets worse. My parakeet, Petey.
Lloyd: Yeah?
Harry: He's dead.
Lloyd: Oh, man, I'm sorry. What happened?
Harry: His head fell off.
Lloyd: His head fell off?
Harry: Yeah. He was pretty old.
#9
[to the dogs in his van]
Harry: OK gang, you know the rules, no humping, no licking, no sniffing hineys.
#10
Harry: Where did you get those?
Lloyd: I bought them when we filled up.
Harry: We are supposed to talk about all expenditures Lloyd! We are on a very tight budget.
Lloyd: This didn't come out of our travel fund.
Harry: Oh.
Lloyd: Yeah, I was able to raise 25 extra bucks before we left.
Harry: Where did you get 25 extra becks?
Lloyd: I sold some stuff, to Billy in 4C.
Harry: The blind kid?
Lloyd: Yeah, ha ha! Yeah.
Harry: What did you sell him Lloyd?
Lloyd: Stuff.
Harry: What kinda stuff?
Lloyd: I don't know, a few baseball cards, a sack of marbles, [cough] Petey.
Harry: Petey? You sold my dead bird to a blind kid? Lloyd! Petey didn't even have a head!
Lloyd: Harry, I took care of it...

[cuts to shot of Billy's hands stroking the stiff bird with it's head wrapped in scotch tape]
Billy: Pretty bird. Yes, can you say pretty bird? Pretty bird, yeah pretty bird... Polly want a cracker?
#11
Lloyd: [a large bus full of gorgeous women in bikinis pull up beside them and three step out]
Bikini Girl: Hi guys. We're going on a national bikini tour, and we're looking for two oil boys who can grease us off before each competition.
Harry: You are in luck! There's a town about three miles that way. I'm sure you'll find a couple guys there.
Bikini Girl: [baffled] Okay, thanks.

[the doors close and the bus drives off. After a second, Lloyd turns to Harry]
Lloyd: Do you realize what you've done?

[they run after the bus]
Lloyd: HEY! HEY!
Harry: Lloyd! Lloyd!

[the bus stops and opens the doors]
Lloyd: [panting] You'll have to excuse my friend. He's a little slow. The town is back *that* way.
#12
Beth: [at the gas station] Uh sir, you're... you're spraying everywhere...
#13
Harry: According to the map we've only gone 4 inches.
#14
Lloyd: Don't you go dying on me!
#15
[while looking back at Mary]
Lloyd: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically, they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...

[Lloyd drives right through a red light, causing a fatal accident visible in the window]
Mary: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. You can't be too careful. There are a lot of bad drivers out there.
#16
Harry: So you got fired again, eh?
Lloyd: Oh yeah. They always freak out when you leave the scene of an accident, you know?
Harry: Yeah, well, I lost my job too.
Lloyd: Man, you are one pathetic loser. No offense.
Harry: No, none taken. You know what really chaps my ass though? I spent my life savings turning my van into a dog. The alarm alone cost me two hundred.
Lloyd: Hey, chicks love it. It's a shaggin' wagon.
#17
[Harry and Lloyd are spending the evening in a romantic-themed motel]
Harry: I don't know, Lloyd. These places always seem to bring back a lot of bad memories.
Lloyd: What's the matter, Har? Some little fillie break your heart?
Harry: No, it was a girl.
#18
Harry: You sold my dead bird to a blind kid?
#19
Harry: I can't believe we drove around all day, and there's not a single job in this town. There is nothing, nada, zip!
Lloyd: Yeah! Unless you wanna work forty hours a week.
#20
Mary: [after hearing on TV about the kid who bought a dead bird] Who are these sick people?