Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid Quotes
Rigby Reardon: Would you like a puppy?
Puppy Secretary: I'd love a dog!
Rigby Reardon: And here's something for you
Duty Secretary: Thank you!... EEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!
Cary Grant: You don't smoke, do you?
Rigby Reardon: No, I have tuberculosis.
Cary Grant: Oh, thank heaven for that.
[at Juliet's house after Rigby has been shot the first time]
Rigby Reardon: I'd like to see Ms. Forrest.
Butler: Who shall I say is calling?
Rigby Reardon: Rigby Reardon, tell her I've been shot.
Butler: Very good, sir. May I tell her by whom?
Rigby Reardon: No, I don't know myself.
Butler: Are you all right? You look as though you're going to faint.
Rigby Reardon: Faint? Never... Catch me.
[Rigby Reardon falls on the floor, fainting]
Butler: Sorry, I'm a Butler, not a catcher.
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] Was she real? There was only one way to find out. But I remember Marlowe's words.
Rigby Reardon: [a picture frame on the wall reads "Don't Fall in Love with a Client. Marlowe"] What the hell does Marlowe know?
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over] She was real alright.
Juliet Forrest: What are you doing?
Rigby Reardon: Adjusting your breasts. You fainted and they... shifted all outta whack. There.
Juliet Forrest: Thank you.
Rigby Reardon: You're Welcome.
Philip Marlowe: You got a map of south america?
Rigby Reardon: Yeah.
Philip Marlowe: Check out Peru.
Rigby Reardon: Got it!
Philip Marlowe: There's a little town on the coast called Paite. Tell me where it is.
Rigby Reardon: It's next to a tiny island called - son of a gun! Carlotta! It's not a woman's name, it's a place.
Rigby Reardon: All dames are alike: they reach down your throat and they can grab your heart, pull it out and they throw it on the floor, step on it with their high heels, spit on it, shove it in the oven and cook the shit out of it. Then they slice it into little pieces, slam it on a hunk of toast, and serve it to you and then expect you to say, "Thanks, honey, it was delicious."
Rigby Reardon: That's one thing I've learned about clients. Dead ones don't pay their bills.
Rigby Reardon: [voice-over while kisses Juliet] Her lips were warm, and my arm wasn't the only thing that was throbbing. Our hearts were, too. My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face... then slowly move her to the next room, maneuver her next to the bed... marry her, and start the whoopee machine. My plan was working fine until...
Rigby Reardon: Agh! You stuck your finger in my bullet hole!
Rigby Reardon: What's he paying you boys? I'll double it and we'll beat the shit out of HIM.
Rigby Reardon: [to Von Kluck] Who are you, Kraut?
Rigby Reardon: Carlotta was the kind of town where they spell trouble T-R-U-B-I-L, and if you try to correct them, they kill you.
Rigby Reardon: [picking up the phone] Juliet?
Philip Marlowe: This is Alan.
Rigby Reardon: Alan? Come on, Marlowe, no games.
Philip Marlowe: I never could fool you, could I?
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Are you wearing pajamas? Senor, I'll help you take them off.
Rigby Reardon: I don't need help with my pajamas!
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Stop! Now.
Rigby Reardon: See? Carlos!
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Don't worry about your pajamas, senor. I'll take care of them.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Out of the way! We're chasing a killer! Everybody, stand back! He's with me. Coming through!
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: [mumbling with pajamas in his mouth] Coming through. Coming through.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Senor. Cuidado, senor. Cuidado.
Rigby Reardon: Stand back! Cuidado.
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: Senor, your pajamas!
Rigby Reardon: Forget the pajamas!
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: [gun shot] [Groaning]
Rigby Reardon: Are you all right, Carlos?
Captain Carlos Rodriguez: It's all right. It's just a bullet. My wife Carmelita will suck it out. Go ahead. And don't worry about your pajamas. I'll take care of them!
Field Marshal Von Kluck: It is customary in zese situations for ze developer of ze plan to describe it.
Rigby Reardon: I beg your pardon. But it's also customary for the private eye to tell how he figured it out.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: No, it is my right! We were able to dupe Dr. Forrest by posing as a humanitary organization, who planned to wipe out hunger, by ageing cheese faster.
Rigby Reardon: But when your father finally saw what they were doing...
Field Marshal Von Kluck: - he began to assemble lists of names of our agents...
Rigby Reardon: - and seemed about to go to the FBI.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: We were zerfore obliged to kidnap him, drug him ang bring him...
Rigby Reardon: - here! First faking his death so there'd be no further investigation.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: But vile testing ze mold on a small island nearby...
Rigby Reardon: - cruise ship "Immer Essen" passed by. Some of the passengers saw the tiny island dissolve.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: Zey were zerfore labeled "enemies" because of what zey haf seen. We had Walter Neff cancel all further tours and our...
Rigby Reardon, Field Marshal Von Kluck: - friends systematically began to eliminate everyone who was on that cruise ship.
Field Marshal Von Kluck: Schweinehund!
Rigby Reardon: Jerk!
Rigby Reardon: I hadn't seen a body put together like that since I solved the case of the Murdered Girl with the Big Tits.
Rigby Reardon: [on the phone with Marlowe] You wearing a tie?
Philip Marlowe: Goodbye.
Rigby Reardon: [on the phone] Mrs Hastings? My name's Reardon. Sorry to hear your father's passed on.
Leona: No, he hasn't. He won't be back till Sunday.
Rigby Reardon: Sunday? You don't understand, Mrs Hastings. I'm investigating your father's death.
Leona: My father called me from Chicago tonight. He never mentioned a word!
Rigby Reardon: Maybe it slipped his mind. Look, uh, your father is dead, Mrs Hastings. Your sister Juliet feels his death wasn't an accident.
Leona: What are you talking about? I had a long talk with him just a little while ago. He told me terrible things about you.
Rigby Reardon: Listen, you phony fruitcake! [pause] Sorry I called you a fruitcake. I just don't have time to listen to...
Leona: [interrupting] All right, don't listen! Who cares? [hung up the phone]
Rigby Reardon: [to Juliet] Your sister has a lot to learn about phone courtesy.
Rigby Reardon: [holding a butterfly tie] And Marlowe? Put this on for me, huh? As a favor. It's a clip-on.
Field Marshall Von Kluck: It is customary in these situations for the developer of the plan to explain it.
Rigby Reardon: It is also customary for the DETECTIVE to explain how HE figured it out!
Rigby Reardon: The people who brought you The Jerk, try and make it up to you.