How about telling us a joke,
Just remember this is a family site...

my mind always goes blank when asked that. dont know why.
will ask my 11 yr old he is full of them

ok, here's an oldie..but i LOL the first time i read it:

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the "Chicken Surprise". The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.

Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.

Good grief, did you see that?" she asks her husband.

He hasn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down.

Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening,and demands an explanation.

"Please sir," says the waiter, "what you order?" The husband replies, "Chicken Surprise."

"Ah... so sorry," says the waiter, "I bring you Peeking Duck"

:@)

Heres two for Star Trek fans
When the Melkotians beamed Kirk,Spock,Chekov and McCoy down to the recreation of the OK Corral, none of the officers knew how to use the old-style six-guns.
You see, they came from a time when no man had guns before :)

Q.How many ears does Captain Kirk have?
A.Three: a left ear, a right ear, and a final front ear.LoL

@ ged @ appara brill.
my 11 yr old said ( then got a row)
why do brides marry in white?
because thats the colour of most major kitchen appliences.

mine is
waht did the scarf say to the hat?.
you go a head ill hang around.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Well,Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ******* has stolen our tent."

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"
The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"
The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
"You don't have one?"
The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."
The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"
"I'm sorry, I can't do that."
The policeman says, "Why not?"
"I stole this car."
The officer says, "Stole it?"
The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."
At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"
"She's in the boot if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"
The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"
"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
"Murdered the owner?"
The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"
The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.
The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"
The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.
The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. " my officer claims that you do not have a driving licence."
The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, my officer also told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying ******* told you I was speeding, too!"

Ged the last is brilliant!

@ged i'm going to try that lol

......-
....

@ ged i loved it.

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the minister with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you �100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the minister a �100 and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the minister looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every wish and command, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will never look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the minister and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The pastor put a �100 into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."

Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge.
One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge.
He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head.
The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing.
The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do - after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

bad gedman, that would have been funnier if it was 2 women shopping for shoes (you get the general idea)lol

A consignment of toilets heading for a police station has been stolen,When asked what leads they had to the crime, the officer in charge replied "we have nothing to go on"

why you looking around ?
the joke is in your hand .

A blond drops off her dry cleaning,the clerk says"Come again",the Blond replies;no,toothpaste.

hahaha aa good blond joke !

There once was a mendicant holy man who walked barefoot most of the time, which gave him large callouses on his feet. He also ate very sparingly, which made him frail, and his odd diet gave him bad breath. In other words, he was a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis!

Two Idiots marooned on a desert island find a bottle,the first idiot pulls out the cork and...poof, out pops a genie.
"You both get one wish only" says the genie to the two idiots.
First idiot says "I wish I could be back home"
"granted" Says the genie and the first idiot disappears!
Second idiot says " i'm lonely now,I wish my friend was back here with me"

This isn't actually a joke, as it is taken from courtroom testimony (book: Disorder in the Court)...

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere

How many Microsoft Engineers does it take to change a light bulb? None. They just change the standard to DARK.

Driving to work, a guy had to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting a box that had fallen off a truck in front of him. The box broke open, spilling its contents...a supply of carpet tacks...all over the road.

A police trooper who witnessed the event approached the driver and said, 'I'm going to have to write you a ticket.'

Amazed, the driver asked, 'What for?'

The trooper replied, 'tacks evasion.'

Two fish in a tank - one says to the other 'Do you know how to drive one of these, because I don't!'

I went to the store the other day. I was only in there for about five minutes, and when I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, ‘Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?’

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a stupid idiot. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tyres.

Then I really got angry at him. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn’t care... my car was parked around the corner.

nice one ged

’ are copy & paste leftovers I believe

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and began fondling her.

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained, 'I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her'.

'you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH' she screamed.

'Funny', he said, 'you even sound exactly like her.'

this is a family site I cant put any of the jokes I know here

what kind of buscuit can fly?

a wee plain one

sorry biscuit not buscuit

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove
a 'Curse' he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says 'maybe, but you will have to tell me the
exact words that were used to put the curse on you.'

The old man says without hesitation
'I now pronounce you man and wife'.

Police arrested two kids yesterday,
one was drinking battery acid,and the other was eating fireworks.

They charged one and let the other one off.

For the visually impaired I will BUMP this thread.LOL

NICKNAMES
If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call eachother Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20,even though it's only for $32.50.None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admitthey want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

The Naming of Canada

Three explorers were hiking through a vast forest that would eventually become Canada.

"You know," said the first explorer, "we should name this vast forest we're hiking through."

"I know," said the second explorer. "We'll each pick a letter and then make a name out of that."

"Good idea," said the third explorer. "You go first."

"Okay," said the first explorer. "C, ay."

"My turn," said the second explorer. "N, ay."

Unfortunately, before the third explorer could choose a letter, a bear jumped out of the trees and killed and ate all three explorers. Eventually, some guy came along and named the country after his aunt.

25 Ways To Tell You're Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6am is when you wake up, not when you go to sleep.

5. You hear your favorite song in a elevator.

6. You watch the weather channel.

7. Your friends 'marry' and 'divorce' rather than 'hook up' and 'break up'.

8. You go from 130 days of vacation to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as 'dressed up'.

10. You're the one calling the police because those #@$ kids next doorwon't turn down the stereo. 1

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.

12. You don't know what time taco bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of leftovers from McDonalds.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3am would severely upset, ratherthan settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drugstore for Tylenol and antacid, not condoms andpregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer 'good shit'.

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. 'I just can't drink the way I used to' replaces 'I'll never drink thatmuch again'.

23. 90f the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to the bar.

25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them insteadof asking 'oh shit what the hell happened?' BONUS:

26. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn'tapply to you and you can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

Truths about Men and Women‏

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need but it's onsale.

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste,shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.

A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty thetrash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes.

There's no use in two people remembering the same thing

Sorry this one is in CAPS it is the way I received it.
Also no reflections on any members of this site, but I just could not resist.

DRINKS WITH A TEXAS GIRL

A MEXICAN, AN IRAQI, AND A TEXAS GIRL ARE IN THE SAME BAR.

WHEN THE MEXICAN FINISHES HIS BEER, HE THROWS HIS GLASS IN THE AIR, PULLSOUT HIS PISTOL, AND SHOOTS THE GLASS TO PIECES. HE SAYS, "IN MEXICO OURGLASSES ARE SO CHEAP WE DON'T NEED TO DRINK WITH THE SAME ONE TWICE."

OMAR , THE IRAQI, OBVIOUSLY IMPRESSED BY THIS, DRINKS HIS BEER, THROWS THEGLASS INTO THE AIR, PULLS OUT HIS AK-47, AND SHOOTS THE GLASS TO PIECES. HESAYS, " IN IRAQ, WE HAVE SO MUCH SAND TO MAKE GLASSES THAT WE DON'T NEED TODRINK WITH THE SAME ONE TWICE EITHER."

THE GIRL FROM TEXAS, COOL AS A CUCUMBER, PICKS UP HER BEER, DOWNS IT IN ONEGULP, THROWS THE GLASS INTO THE AIR, WHIPS OUT HER .45 AND SHOOTS THE MEXICAN AND THE IRAQI. WHILE CATCHING HER GLASS, SETTING IT ON THE BAR, ANDCALLING FOR A REFILL, SHE SAYS, "IN TEXAS, WE HAVE SO MANY ILLEGAL ALIENSTHAT WE DON'T HAVE TO DRINK WITH THE SAME ONES TWICE." GOD BLESS TEXAS

b

HAHAthat`s funny!

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. "Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeemer!!!", he whined.

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"

"Oh my gaaad....", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex???!!!!!"

i can't believe i'm posting knock knock jokes....

Massively Kewl Knock Knock Jokes!!!

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Sorry, wrong door.
Okay.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Federal Express
Federal Express who?
I don’t know. I just deliver packages.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Tom.
Tom who?
Tom Buchanan.
Hi Tom.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Pizza delivery guy.
Pizza delivery guy who?
You ordered a pizza?
Yes.
I’m the guy delivering it.
Great.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Susan.
Susan who?
Susan Caldwell.
I’ll be right out, Susan.

Knock, knock
Who’s there.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable.
You might be a redneck if… you think tobacco is a vegetable who?
I thought this was a redneck joke.
Nope. It’s a knock, knock joke.
Oops.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who
Don’t get so upset, crybaby!
What?
Ha! Ha! I made you say “boo-hoo”
You’re a real idiot.
That wasn’t necessary.

Knock knock
Who’s there?
Creeping penis.
Creeping penis who?
I’m not crazy, I just need to get off this island. The doctors don’t believe I invented the chocolate �clair. But I did. I’m going to burn them all and drink soup from their skulls! Happy soup! Untie me and I’ll kill you last!

Knock, knock
Yo mama
Yo mama who?
Yo mama so fat, she caught a flesh-eating virus and that was three years ago.
I bet you’re fat, huh?
I’m…
You are, aren’t you? Fat!
I’m plumpish.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
FBI!
…
…
Hello? FBI! Let us in!
…
…nobody here…
Oh. Let’s go boys!
(Phew!)

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.
There’s a dead old woman in your driveway who?
No. Seriously. There’s a dead old woman in your driveway.
Actually, that’s just my piss-drunk bar slut of a grandmother. She sells toothless mouth love for “mind eraser” shooters at the Tyson’s Mall TGIFriday’s. Let the whore sleep it off.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Henry.
Henry who?
Henry Kissinger. Did you know that power is the ultimate aphrodisiac?
I’m not opening the door Henry.
Damn.

Knock, knock
Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH!
Tremble mortal and despair – it is I, THE ANGEL OF DEATH who?
Actually, I’m here for Jones in #D1 but I need to take a monster crap and I hate to kill and THEN use the bathroom, you know? Its rude and the other way around, well it ruins my dramatic entrance. So…
You want to use my toilet?
Yeah?
Go right ahead.
Got anything to read?
Just the crossword.
You finished it.
Sorry?
Hold my scythe.
Hey! Don’t forget to light a match.

People Really Said These Things In Court

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an auy.

Quick funny .


"you will learn to do as i say !"

A truck driver frequently traveled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road.There were always lawyers walking along the road.The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road.

Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger. He swerved back to the centre, but he heard a'whump'and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field.

He turned to the priest and said, 'Father,I'm sorry,but I'm sure that I missed that lawyer'

And the priest replied, 'That's OK, my son, I got the b*****d with the door.'

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, 'My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night'?

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.

The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.

The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply, 'We can't tell you. You're not a monk'.

The man says, 'All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk'?

The monks reply, 'You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk'.

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, 'I have travelled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth'.

The monks reply, 'Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk'.
'We shall now show you the way to the sound'.

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.

The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, 'May I have the key'?

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.

Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.

The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it.

Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...silver,.... topaz,.... and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, 'This is the key to the last door'.

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight!

...... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk!!!

Thx appara for that joke.

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED
Caveats: NONE

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboycoming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots,so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks 'Why in the world are you walking aroundlike this?'

The Cowboy says, 'Well, it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down theroad and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor homewith her. So I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me topull off my shirt... So I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants... So I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts...so I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind ofsexy and says, 'Now go to town cowboy.. '

'And here I am.'

Son of a Gun. Blonde Men do exist

Quack,Quack?


The blue one.

A man says to a young boy
what would you be, when you grow up,
the boys says as long as i am not
like you *****

haha funny !

Q: why did the hen ran across the busy street?
A: to commit suicide.

DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.

When they get there, St. Peter says,

'We only have one rule here in heaven:

don't step on the ducks!'

So they enter heaven, and sure enough,
there are ducks all over the place....

It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, 'Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!'

The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck
and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man.

He chains them together with the same punishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ...... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.

St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, 'I wonder what I did to deserve being
chained to you for all of eternity?'

The guy says, 'I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck.'

LOL

Subject: NEVER EVER LIE TO A WOMAN
A man called home to his wife and said, 'Darling , I have been asked to gofishing up in Canada with my boss & several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box, we're leaving from the office & I will swing by thehouse to pick my things up' 'Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas. ' The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, 'Yes! Lots of salmons, some bluegills, and a few swordfishes. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to Do?'

You'll love the answer,folks......

The wife replied, 'I did, dear. They're in your fishing box! ...'

EFFECTIVE AUGUST 1, 2008
NEW OFFICE POLICY Dress Code:
1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we willassume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better,so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need araise.
4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be andtherefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year.They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rarecases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to workthrough your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet.There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletinboard under the 'Chronic Offenders'category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break:
* Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, sothat they can look healthy.
* Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal tomaintain their average figure.
* Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide apositive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments,concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternationand input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management Pass this on to all who are employed!

LoL, I hope the fat-cat bosses don't get to see this!

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails.
Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril,and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He was gourgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle,unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers: "Iron my shirt"

Grandma's Letter
She is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car.
She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a Honk if you love Jesus bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience followed.
I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'
'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.
He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.
Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

ROFL

Dad at the Mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange,and blue. My dad kept staring at him.

The teenager would look and find him staringevery time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matterold man, never done anything wild in your life?'

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on hisresponse, knowing he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. 'Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock.

I was just wondering if you were my son.'

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet athome. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go homeand come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silverhair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the SocialSecurity office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gottendisability, too'

And then the fight started.....

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I keptstaring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearbytable.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't beensober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebratingthat long?'

And then the fight started.....

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road andslowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you justget soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?' And that's how the fight started.....

One night in the Houses of Parliament (UK) Winston Churchill was somewhat intoxicated when a rather large Female member of the opposition accosted him with the words "Sir you are Drunk",

Slowly he replied "Madam I may be drunk but I shall be sober in the morning, but you will still be fat"

And then......

(This is a true story)

A group of kindergarteners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher Insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words,' she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?
'I went to visit my Nana'.
No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!'

She then asked Mitchell what he had done
'I took a ride on a choo-choo'.
She said. 'No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must use 'Big People' words'.

She then asked little Alex what he had done? 'I read a book' he replied. That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?'

Alex thought real hard about it, Then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, 'Winnie the s...'

ROFL

A humourous brainteaser.

Called The Banana Test

There is a very, very tall coconut tree.

There are 4 animals ambling along the path underneath it.

A Lion, a Chimpanzee, a Giraffe, and a Squirrel.

They decide on a little competition to see who is the fastest
to get a banana off the tree.

Who do you guess will win?

Your answer will reflect your personality.

So think carefully . . .. Try and answer within 30 seconds

Got your answer?

The analysis if is your answer is:

Lion = you're dull.

Chimpanzee = you're not thinking straight.

Giraffe = you're confused.

Squirrel = you're just a hopeless case.

Obviously you're all stressed and overworked.
If you need the answer message me.LOL.

A minister was completing a temperance sermon on the evils of drink. With great emphasis he said, 'If I had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it all into the river.'

With even greater emphasis he said, 'And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it all into the river.'

And then raising his arms aloft and shaking his fists he said, 'and if I had all the whiskey and other spirits in the world, I'd take them and pour them all into the river.'

His Sermon complete, he sat down exhausted.

The Choirmaster trying to keep a straight face stood-up to announce the closing hymn and said

"Please rise for our the closing Hymn it is number 365 in your hymnbooks"

'Shall We Gather at the River.'


See you at the river!

LoL

Great truths that little children learn very quickly

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptise cats.
2) When your Mum is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your little sister hits you, don't hit her back.
They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10)The best place to be when you're sad is Nana's lap.

and a few for the grown ups

Some great truths that adults have learned

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.

And now some for the senior citizen

Great truths about growing old.

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes on its' own.

And now in this Festive season.

The Four Ages of a Man

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

And what is success at different ages

At age 02 success is . . . knowing your own name
At age 03 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends..
At age 17 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 35 success is . . . having money.
At age 40 success is . . . having more money
At age 50 success is . . . having even more money.
At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers licence.
At age 75 success is . . . having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 85 success is . . . knowing your own name

lol

lol, very funny

brilliant & true! LoL

the truth is hard to handle lol

... for sure ;-)

You can never tell which way the train went by looking at the track.

Logic is a systematic method of coming to the wrong conclusion with confidence.

Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it beyond recognition.

Technology is dominated by those who manage what they do not understand.

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy civilization.

The opulence of the front office decor varies inversely with the fundamental solvency of the firm.

The attention span of a computer is only as long as it electrical cord.

An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.

Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch to be sure.

All great discoveries are made by mistake.

Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.

Nothing ever gets built on schedule or within budget.

All's well that ends.

A meeting is an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

A failure will not appear till a unit has passed final inspection.

New systems generate new problems.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

We don't know one millionth of one percent about anything.

Any given program, when running, is obsolete.

Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

A computer makes as many mistakes in two seconds as 20 men working 20 years make.

The faster a computer is, the faster it will reach a crashed state.

Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work.

Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even what book.

The primary function of the design engineer is to make things difficult for the fabricator and impossible for the serviceman.

To spot the expert, pick the one who predicts the job will take the longest and cost the most.

After all is said and done, a hell of a lot more is said than done.

Any circuit design must contain at least one part which is obsolete, two parts which are unobtainable and three parts which are still under development.

A complex system that works is invariably found to have evolved from a simple system that works.

If mathematically you end up with the incorrect answer, try multiplying by the page number.

Computers are unreliable, but humans are even more unreliable. Any system which depends on human reliability is unreliable.

Give all orders verbally. Never write anything down that might go into a "Pearl Harbor File."

Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure, temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables the organism will do as it damn well pleases.

If you can't understand it, it is intuitively obvious.

The more cordial the buyer's secretary, the greater the odds that the competition already has the order.

In designing any type of construction, no overall dimen- sion can be totaled correctly after 4:30 p.m. on Friday. The correct total will become self-evident at 8:15 a.m. on Monday.

Fill what's empty. Empty what's full. And scratch where it itches.

All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door.

The only perfect science is hind-sight.

Work smarder and not harder and be careful of yor speling.

If it's not in the computer, it doesn't exist.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

When all else fails, read the instructions.

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Everything that goes up must come down.

Any instrument when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner.

Any simple theory will be worded in the most complicated way.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will want to use it.

The degree of technical competence is inversely proportional to the level of management.

Any attempt to print Murphy's laws will jam the printer.


To get jokes like this one in your email every day, sign up for our mailing list, in the top-right hand corner of this or any other page.

During a service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers, which had been answered.

A lady stood up and came forward.

She said, 'I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible road accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.

She continued, 'Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

All the men sighed with relief.

The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say

A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, 'I'm Jim and I would like to tell my beautiful wife, the word is 'sternum.'

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman was.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial.
The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility..

Q: 'Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'
Q: 'Officer -- who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'
Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'
'Yes, sir. With my life.'
Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'
Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes sir, I do.'
Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes sir.'
Q: 'Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

@quark
whats a sternum??

rofl. great joke hogan.

the lawyers joke is brilliant!

@merlin11
rofl!!thanks!but y??

The sternum is the breastplate where your ribs join...

@ged
danke

Did you hear the one about a Priest who had a Donkey?

The priest entered his donkey in a race and it won!
The priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the next race, and it won again!!

The local paper's headline read: PRIEST'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read:

BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get
rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a
near by convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:

NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper's headline read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was really too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild and not cause so much consternation.

The next day the headline was:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

Sadly the bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is . . .
being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery . and could even shorten your life!


So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and perhaps live longer!

Have a nice day!

lol

Omg lol Tose are all freakin Hillarious!!!!!!! i was dieing laughing! seriously tears!!!!!! lol

Try this

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the Races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher whilst the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinals.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said "you must be in year four".

"No, miss" he replied. "I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15".

A blonde gets a job as a teacher. She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him. 'You ok?' she says.

'Yes.' he says.

'You can go and play with the other kids you know.' she says.

'It's best I stay here.' he says.

'Why?' says the blonde.

The boy says: 'Because, I'm the goalie'

LOL!!! thats funny!

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 PM., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car... a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner... a marvelous dinner... lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'

LOL!!!

[This Post has been removed by a ShareTV Moderator]

The Theory of Intelligence as explained to Norm.

'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.'

rofl quark, I presume the theory of intelligence was explained by Cliff Clavin?

ha! very good.

When I went to lunch today I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out.
Naturally I stopped to ask her what was wrong.

She said "I have a wonderful 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning when we wake and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee for my breakfast."

Amazed I said "Well then why are you crying?"
She said "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon."

Once more I said "Well, why are you crying?"
She said "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2 O'Clock in the morning"

Again I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'


She looked up sobbing even harder "I can't remember where I live."

Two blind pilots enter the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses and one is using a guide dog while the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough in to the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says,

"Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

[This Post has been removed by a ShareTV Moderator]

A woman had just given birth to a baby in the hospital. As soon as she had recovered, the doctor came to speak to her...
"Your baby is in good health, but there's something important I need to tell you...."

The woman became worried,
"What's the matter with my baby?....tell me please! What's wrong?"

"There's nothing really wrong, but your baby is a little......different. He's a hermaphrodite."

A hermaphrodite...What is that?

"Well......it means your baby is.......that he has.......all the equipment of a man, and also that of a woman!"

The woman exclaimed...
"Oh My GOD! You mean he has a penis AND a brain?"

Q what kind of buscuit can fly??

A a wee plane one
hahahahahahaha

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the storm, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the promise that he would notify her as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old woman got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Ma'am, sorry to inform you, we found your husband dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled him up to the deck and attached to his butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise.'

The old woman faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

A Visit To The Doctor

They always ask at the Doctors Office why you are there and you say in front of all the other people in the waiting room what`s wrong and sometmes it`s embarrassing. There's nothing worse than a doctor's receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this.

So I love the way this old guy handled it.

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?" "There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that."

"Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

Nevertheless the man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?"

"There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, sir?"

"I can't pee out of it" the man replied.

ROFL...excellent

It was the day of Sally's funeral at the local crematorium.

As she was a great fan of the songs of Gracie Fields her relatives had decided to play "Sally" as the coffin went through the curtains.

Unfortunately the CD player was not working properly and so as the coffin started to move the track that was playing
was "Wish Me Luck As You Wave Me Goodbye"

Why Nurses are not supposed to laugh...

"Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then" Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers and shorts revealing the tiniest man thing the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it could not have been bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing hysterically to the floor. A little while later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

"Oh dear I am so sorry," said the nurse. "I do not know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady I promise it will not happen again. Now tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"Can't you see?" Fred replied "It's swollen,"

LMAO

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice,
Stop, Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road,Once again the voice shouted
Stop,Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die,
The man did as he was instructed just as a car came careering around the corner, barely missing him.
Where are you? the man asked. Who are you?
I am your guardian angel, the voice answered.
are you sure you are my guardian angel, the man asked...
yes the voice answered
well where the hell were you when I got married?

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.
However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.
After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boys position.
He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and,placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.
Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, And now what, my little man?
To which the boy replies, Now we run!

Young Jimmy was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.
The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!
Jimmy laughed and laughed!
he knew that the shark was never going to help that man.

i think jimmy is a relative of mine lol

LOL . @ windsor i assume you are joking.

@windsorboyd

Ay and I bet his surname is Krankie.

Clean can be funny.

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'

So he tied her up and went golfing

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'

The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"
God replied "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and straighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had over another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"


God replied "Sorry I didn't recognize you."

An Aids Warning!

Senior Citizens are the Nations leading carriers of AIDS
:-
Hearing Aids

Band Aids

Roll Aids


Walking Aids

Medical Aids

Government Aids

And most of all,

Monetary Aids to their Kids!

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, or wish you weren't married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Mary was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

Resuming the journey, Mary tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Mary.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Mary looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

Little Johnny: "Mummy, mummy, does a lemon have a beak?"

Mum: "No it doesn't my son."

Little Johnny: "Oops, so it was a canary that I squeezed ..."

A Message from Gordon Brown Prime Minister of the UK.

Dear people of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement.

This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers).

A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance).

Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons, who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out.

Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local Member of Parliament.
They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown
Palace of Westminster, London.

Three gentlemen met in Maine for a hunting trip.One was from Texas,another from Massachusetts and the third was from Maine.
Well they proceeded on their trip,over the mountains and through the thick forests looking for their prey.
The Texan wanted to stop and have a drink,so he dismounted his horse,as did the others.
The Texan reached in his coat and pulled out a bottle of whiskey and took some heavy shots and finished the bottle.He then took the empty bottle and threw it into the air and drew his sidearm and shot the bottle dead on.Well the man from Massachusetts was quite impressed and pulled out a bottle of Gin and started to swig it down,after empty he threw it into the air and shot it with his rifle.Well the man from Maine was none too impressed and pulled out from his jacket a bottle of Allens coffee brandy and take a few sips and shoots the man from Massachusetts and returns to bottle to his jacket.
The man from Texas says"Why did you do that?"The man from Maine replies."Here in Maine empty bottles are returnable and we got plenty of people from Massachusetts!"

This is a true story.

A WOMAN was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The attendant had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

It was obvious that she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?" The blind lady replied, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

When he got off the plane with Buddy all the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

So don't always believe what you see.

HOW TO PROPERLY PLACE NEW EMPLOYEES

1. Put 400 bricks in a closed room.
2. Put your new hires in the room and close the door.
3. Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours.
4. Then analyze the situation:

a. If they are counting the bricks, put them in the Accounting Department.
b. If they are recounting them, put them in Auditing.
c. If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks, put them in Engineering.
d. If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order, put them in Planning.
e. If they are throwing the bricks at each other, put them in Operations.
f. If they are sleeping, put them in Security.
g. If they have broken the bricks into pieces, put them in Information Technology.
h. If they are sitting idle, put them in Human Resources.
i. If they say they have tried different combinations and they are looking for more, yet not a brick has been moved, put them in Sales.
j. If they have already left for the day, put them in Marketing.
k. If they are staring out of the window, put them in Strategic Planning.
l. If they are talking to each other, and not a single brick has been moved, congratulate them and put them in Top Management.

Finally, if they have surrounded themselves with bricks in such a way that they can neither be seen nor heard from, put them in Government.

He asked and got his A=
then he asked again ,got his A=
So he asked again , and got his A=
punch line i should have stop at the sec A,lol

The joke about Buddy the guide dog and the pilot had me rolling!

Is this the reason?
***************************

Joe Smith started the day early having set his

Alarm clock (MADE IN JAPAN) for 6am.

While his coffeepot (MADE IN CHINA) was perking,

he shaved with his electric razor (MADE IN HONG KONG).

He put on a clean shirt (MADE IN SRI LANKA),

Then a pair of designer jeans (MADE IN SINGAPORE)

and finally some tennis shoes (MADE IN KOREA)

He cooked his breakfast in an electric skillet (MADE IN INDIA)

and then he sat down with his calculator (MADE IN MEXICO)

to see how much he could spend today.

After setting his watch (MADE IN TAIWAN)

to the time signal on the radio (MADE IN INDIA)

he got into his car (MADE IN GERMANY)

filled it with Petrol(gasoline) all the way (from SAUDI ARABIA)

He then spent the rest of the day at the job centre, wondering why he can't get a job in England!

excellent! :))

There once was a boy who lived on hill all alone ,so he try to fdind some friends down a well ,

Was sent this one by Romeo53

This is too funny!!!

We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.

The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.

My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I get into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said,
as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the backyard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.

[This Post has been removed by a ShareTV Moderator]

Got to tell you this one.
Apologies to those Countries to whom it will make no sense.
**************************************************************************
A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks.

The First task is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds. As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is boss, he beats it to death with a spade.

Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.

Moving on to the second task of clearing out the Chimp house, he is attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts. He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.

What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because lions will eat anything. So he hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.

He moves on to the last task which is to collect honey from the South American Bees. As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and smashes the bees to a pulp.

By now he knows what to do and throws them into the lions cage because lions will eat anything.


Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo. He wanders up to resident lion and says "What's the food like here?" The resident lion responds "It's absolutely brilliant for instance today we had Fish and Chimps with Mushy Bees"!

Hilarious. I can't stop laughing. Fish Chimps and Mushy Bees. Billiant.

Repost of one removed above due to character errors.

I was in the pub yesterday drinking and listening to music, when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to release wind (fart).

However the music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat and after a couple of songs, I started to feel better.

I finished my pint and then noticed that everybody was staring at me.


Then I suddenly remembered that......


I was listening to my iPod all the time.

LoL

rofl

There's a Moral to this one.

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods.Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself so he ran home to tell his mother.
'Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt.Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane...'

At this point his mother cut him off and said, 'Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time, I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight.'

At the dinner table that evening Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story Johnny started his story, 'I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs...'

Moral:
Sometimes you need to just shut up and listen to the whole story
before you interrupt!

Or perhaps you would prefer a more straighforward one.

Three mischievous old Ladies were sitting on a bench outside a nursing home when old man Andy walked by. And one of the old Ladies yelled out saying, 'bet we can tell exactly how old you are.'

Old Andy said, 'There is no way you can guess it, you old fools.'

One of the old Ladies said, 'Sure we can! Just drop your pants and under shorts and we can tell your exact age.'

Embarrassed just a little, but anxious to prove they couldn't do it, Andy dropped his drawers. The Ladies asked him to first turn around a couple of times and to jump up and down several times.

In unison they all piped up and said, 'You're 87 years old!'

Standing with his pants down around his ankles a bemused Andy asked, 'How in the world did you guess?'

Slapping their knees and grinning from ear to ear, the three old Ladies happily yelled in unison - - -

'We were at your birthday party yesterday!'

So remember, Adventure before Dementure

LoL

Two lawyers were walking through the woods, when suddenly they happened on a fearsome grizzly bear.

One of the lawers immediately dropped to his knees, opened his briefcase, pulled out a pair of trainers and started putting them on.

"Don't be a fool", said his friend, "you can't possibly outrun a grizzly".

"I don't need to outrun him", said the first, "I only need to outrun you".