TV Forum

Anyone know why my joke first appeared in full, and then with 95% missing?

If My Body Were a Car
**************************

If my body were a car, at my age I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

Why? Well,

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ....

Oh but that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed.

My fuel burns inefficiently cos the fuel lines are all clogged up.

But here's the worst of it --

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

Or perhaps this is more to your taste in humor

The three Dead Bodies
**************************

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

He exlains to the Detective Inspector

'First body: Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the enormous smile that he has.'

'Second body: Hamish Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won 50,000 on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, which accounts for his smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What about the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the mystified Inspector.

'He thought he was having his picture taken'.

Excellent Quark, keep em coming & keep em rolling in the aisles.

Well there was this Old Man taking his early evening constitutional in his local park.

Approaching his favorite bench for a rest he saw that it was already occupied by a boy of perhaps 12years.

As he got closer he realised that the boy was crying and sobbing his heart out.

"What's up lad?" the old man enquired.

"I can't do what the bigger boys do" came the reply.

"And what is that?" the old man asked

"You know go out with girls and all that" said the boy.

"Move over" said the old man.

For now, he too was crying.

LoL The circle of life...

(just a -- big sigh)

LOL sad but true

Do not know any jokes. People tell me but then I forget them.

Answering Service At The Mental Institute

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.

If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.

If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.

If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.

If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.

If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

@lithgowis

excellent! very funny. keep em' coming!

Q. Why is the sand yellow?



A. Because the sea weed.

LOL..

cute shaz692.

What time does the dentist always make sure he is back from lunch by?

Two-thirty.

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

@gedmen.

i don't get it.

Tooth hurty

N'Quark...thanks

ohhhhh! now i get it!


Lol thanks.

Who's gonna supply the tagline?
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Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

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too weak - someone else try... please!...

OK here's the tag

To get to the second hand shop of course!

ouch!

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@andyroo
@Shaz

I find your recent posts to be unsuitable for this thread and have removed them. Please remember in future this is a family site (as mentioned in the opening post) and younger children may read what you write. Jokes should be fun, family friendly, non offensive and of good taste. Please keep this in mind next time you post. Thanks.

- What's brown and sounds like a bell?
- ?
- Dung!

LOL @ lithgowis!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!1

Q: What did the Tornado say to the car?
A: Want to go for a spin?

Have you heard about the bull that swallowed a bomb?

Abominable!

lol

ha! good one, softwizz.

A few short older lawyer jokes.

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. What's the definition of a lawyer?
A. A mouth with a life support system.

Q. What's the difference between a bankrupt attorney and a pigeon?
A. The pigeon can still make a deposit on a Mercedes.

LoL, I particularly liked the first one.

Anyone, please ... I haven't heard any good jokes in a loooong time.

I got one for you but I'll wait until the personal message button is back working. I don't want everyone to know how crude I really am.

*hee hee*